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enabling/overparenting/ ?? where do you draw the line?

I just realized I am enabling my son..kinda?

I mean he is 14 and has always had straight A's. Now he has F's and doesnt care. So I am running around setting up study hall meeting with teachers, driving all over hell and back to "help" him and he isnt doing anything. Even when he gets his work done he "forgets" to hand it in. So am I enabling? or am I being a regular mom? (LOL)
last night he did 10 pages of back homework, today he is in bed with a sore throat ( for real) and I am thinking I will drive in to town and hand it all in for him pick up whats being missed. normal enough but its every week something! not missing school every week just I find out from teachers that he isnt doing his class work during class time...normal enough I hear but do I let him fail? learn his lesson or kick his butt until he catches on and moves on to a new chapter of his life??
I feel like I am over parenting but if I stop he will fail.

OK before I get jumped on LOL I am strict, yes I take things away and yes I praise the good.
No he isnt on drugs and nothing major has happened.

Answer Question

Asked by mazzoncini-mom at 11:56 AM on Jan. 24, 2011 in Teens (13-17)

Level 4 (37 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • If he's always made A's and now he's making F's and doesn't care, something has happened. I don't know what has happened, but something has made things different. That's the part I would want to know. It may take some doing to find out, but that would be of the utmost importance to me. A child who is capable of making A's and suddenly isn't at all motivated has something going on somewhere.

    Answer by NannyB. at 12:01 PM on Jan. 24, 2011

  • what I was thinking is that you would be enabling if you just stood by. My dd's friend is failing Government and if she doesnt pass the final exam she wont graduate. The kids where doing a study session yesterday with my dd being the one to help these friends. We stopped to get lunch before going to the study house and I had dd call this friend, she said she was busy, too busy to study? I drove over there and we picked her butt up and drove to the study house. Enabling? No, it was her choice to study or not. but I feel I did the right thing by doing the proper footwork to get her to where she needed to be. I also told her she is not sitting next to me at graduation, she is going to be out there graduating with her class!! :)


    Answer by beyondhopes at 12:01 PM on Jan. 24, 2011

  • no I really dont think anything major has happened I think he has found out how "cool" he is LOL he is trying on his bad boy "hat" so to speak.
    Just the junior high is a bigger school and more options so this is an adjustment year. Thanks for the replies. Ya I will stick with kicking his BUTT all the way to graduation!

    Comment by mazzoncini-mom (original poster) at 12:08 PM on Jan. 24, 2011

  • Youre not enabling you are trying to help him. You realize there is a problem and are trying to get him back on track. I think if you sat and did nothing but made excuses then thats enabling. I would talk to his teachers, any friends or parents and see if something happened he doesnt want you to know about. That age is really important and little things can throw them off.
    I tell my kids principles in HS I need their help, my child IS graduating even if it means I have to come sit in his or her classroom and make them listen and no one better stand in my way. I tell my kids the same thing.

    Answer by gemgem at 12:25 PM on Jan. 24, 2011

  • That's hard, fine line I guess huh! I think, you sound like a great mom. Since he's only in Junior High, let him get an f or two on his report card, take away his life. No tv, games, phone, friends, nothing, untill he gets his REPORT card grades up. Not progress reports cuz those all start out good. We did this and it took a while but it worked. My sd went from straight f's, to a's, b's and c's. Good luck!

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 12:47 PM on Jan. 24, 2011

  • I email with the teahers and principal every day.....I think they want him to pass just so I will go away :) They say he is a wondeful kid and everyone likes him he is not disruptive and always very polite and thoughtful. He is just trying to figure out who he is, thats the schools thinking, I kinda agree. Just feels like I do more pushing, gathering and caring about home work than him by a million!

    Comment by mazzoncini-mom (original poster) at 12:48 PM on Jan. 24, 2011

  • STOP helping him so much, part of middle school is to learn how to do things for himself. Part of middle school is learning to be responsible for themselves, their choices and the consequences. Let him get a couple F's and have to go to summer school. I did the same thing as you with my son and I had to stop because he wasn't learning any lessons from his choices. It is frustrating and disappointing to watch an intelligent child mess up, but we cannot hold their hands all the time. It has taken 2 years but my son has finally come around and has been getting his work done, handed in on time and is getting good grades again.

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 8:04 PM on Jan. 24, 2011

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