Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

1 Bump

Is it bad if the only reason you are staying with your husband is because you are scared?

I have come to the point where I am basically only with my husband is because I am scared. Scared of being alone, scared of ripping my kids lives apart, and scared of all the responsibility. It seems like all we do anymore is fight and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep putting myself through this. Any advice?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 9:09 AM on Jan. 25, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • I think you know the answer to this. You should only stay in a relationship that works and brings something to your life not takes something from it. Yes its scaring making such a big change and the idea of being alone, but if you have done all you can to make it work and it still doesn't its better for your kids and you and your husband to throw in the towel sometimes. good luck

    Answer by rhonda111787 at 9:17 AM on Jan. 25, 2011

  • What do you fight about? Whatever it is, that's what you need to work on together. Fighting is actually a very good sign for a marriage. My husband and I will celebrate our 46th anniversary this Sunday, and we have fought about everything. If the two of you agree on everything, one of you is totally not necessary. But you have to learn to fight without calling each other names or getting all mad and ugly. Happily ever after happens only in fairy tales, but your marriage can be happy in spite of the disagreements. Keep a sense of humor. Make jokes about what you argue about. Let your children see that perfection is not reality. Life doesn't happen the way it does in the movies. Attitude is everything. Instead of thinking about how you can't take this any more, try thinking that you have a husband who doesn't agree with you on everything so there's some fun to be had seeing where we can find common ground.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:19 AM on Jan. 25, 2011

  • Sounds like a valid reason. Use the time wisely to get therapy for the both of you or to simply make a better life for yourself while you are still with him. Get a job, go to school, etc.

    Answer by Orionsgirl at 9:20 AM on Jan. 25, 2011

  • Do you have any desire to work it out, for you? If you think there's something to salvage, it might be worth giving counseling a try. I don't know what's happened in your marriage to make you feel this way, but depending on the circumstances, perhaps things can be salvaged. Sometimes not. But it might be best for your kids not to grow up in an unhealthy house, you know? Is that the example you want to set for them of what a marriage looks like? Good luck, mama.

    Answer by musicpisces at 9:21 AM on Jan. 25, 2011

  • I have advice that you may not like :). Since your "scared to leave" change the situation for the better. Life is after all what YOU make of it. Learn what makes him happy and try to get along. Your kids deserve a mother and a father but if you can walk away with no guilt and feeling as though life will be better now that you left, do it. Just be sure in your decision and think of your children before yourself.

    Answer by sweetiepie8540 at 9:22 AM on Jan. 25, 2011

  • We've had a seperation before, and when we got back together he promised we would get counseling. It never happened and that's been over 7 years ago. And we fight alot about money. I have tried compromising and everytime I do, he turns around and does what he wants anyway.
    So, I guess I know what I should do, just having the strength to do it is the issue.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:24 AM on Jan. 25, 2011

  • Yes, Yes and Yes again. I was married twice, the first was so wrong but I stayed with reasons such as I cannot afford to raise the kids alone, I must have done something wrong, it has to be my fault. As the years went I kept the beatings a secret, I was told or rather asked by in laws if I purchased and cooked the food like she told me to??????????? In 10 years of marriage we were asked to move 9 times, each apartment was available to us as we presented as the perfect couple. He had a profession, nice family and of course a lovely wife who did as she was told. I was not allowed to visit my family 10 miles away and he always found out if I did, the rest of the story is sad and ended with his death at 4 0, alone in a chair to be found dead. I miss the man that could have been, ache for my kids who only have a few memories of a man that could have been king. If I stayed I would have been dead.

    Answer by chillywilly10 at 9:28 AM on Jan. 25, 2011

  • I'm sorry you have to deal with that situation and put your kids thru that as well. I feel your pain I'm going thru a divorce (just waiting the mandatory waiting period) and I have 4 kids, 2 special needs and all are under 5. It's hard, I've had to move home with my mom but I'm doing it because it's the best thing to do for my children and I. I hope you have the strength and courage to leave him especially if he's lied about getting counseling and not gotten it and just does what he wants anyways. Good luck I wish you nothing but the best.

    Answer by Bird16_J at 9:30 AM on Jan. 25, 2011

  • probably not a good reason, but like someone else said, use this time to invest in your. School, job, your health. I wouldn't be surprised if you get yourself to a place were your are confident in yourself and no longer scared, that things start to improve in your marriage. I was in a similar situation. Once I got to the point that I would rather be alone then in a crappy marriage, and started to build self confidance, my husband began to show me respect, and started trying to fix things. Scared shows a lack of self respect. Start respecting yourself, and demand respect from him.

    Answer by daughteroftruth at 11:54 AM on Jan. 25, 2011

  • I want a divorce. I am a sahm and I don't know how to do it without his finicial support. I wouldn't get a good job now without and education. My youngest will be going to school in 2 years. I am trying to hold out til then and still stay together while I go to college a couple years. I don't know if we will make it. I feel like a single mom. He ignores me and the kids doesn't lift a finger and is smoking pot several times a day. It gets on my nerves so damn bad. All of the money he makes goes to bills and his smoking habit. He only cares about him and if he isn't happy then he tries to make everyone else miserable. I know he doesn't lov eme and I don't love him. He is addicted to porn there are just too many things to fix. When I try to talk to him he will either get angry or ignore me and act like I am a bitch and have major problems myself..which I agree I sure do being married. i didn't marry him like this he changed.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:44 PM on Jan. 25, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.