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What are some realistic expectations for my 19 yr old dd?

My oldest daughter is 19 and is going to college while living at home. I have three other children (13,11,3) one of which has Aspergers Syndrome. My question is what should I realistically expect from her as far as helping out around the house? She doesn't have a job and also has severe ADHD(yes, she's medicated). She does help a little, especially in keeping the 3 yr old out of things, but it seems like most of what she does is either half-assed or a really easy job that one of the other kids could do. She's a pretty good girl for the most part. She made the Deans list at school and she isn't really into partying. It's just that I'm feeling slightly taken advantage of. Her dad and I pay for everything and that's ok for now. I just want her to help around the house more. All the kids have chores they're supposed to do but her's never seem to get done(and she has plenty of time) I want to write out a list of things I expect from her so that when we have a discussion about it I can show it to her. Any suggestions would be helpful. Thanks in advance!

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Asked by Trinkett1010 at 7:25 PM on Jan. 25, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 3 (18 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • Seeing she has severe ADHD, she needs constant reminders. Talking to her isn't going to help. But, writing out her chores is a start. I would say, light cleaning, picking up after herself and her sibs when she watches them, cooking so many meals a week, dishes and laundry. She also has to keep up on her schoolwork.

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 7:27 PM on Jan. 25, 2011

  • Truthfully I think making her get a job will help her more. She need to start acting like an adult. With adult responsibilities


    Answer by louise2 at 7:30 PM on Jan. 25, 2011

  • My younger 2 boys are at home while going to college. They both go to school full time and work part time.

    One of them cleans 2 of the bathrooms every week, and bathes the dog, the other vacuums. They both do their own laundry, and clean their own rooms.

    I have to admit at this point I don't have them do too much because they have very little time between school, homework and their jobs, and they both get good grades, so I try to let them have some free time.

    Answer by ohwrite at 7:53 PM on Jan. 25, 2011

  • If she isn't working, I would make a list of your house work that you do, divide it in half and give on of the lists to her to do.

    Answer by JLS2388 at 12:36 AM on Jan. 26, 2011

  • If all the kids have chores  make a check off chart so she can check her stuff off too. then have a talk with her about responsibility, and what her part in helping teach the younger ones about it. Remind her that since she doesn't have to work helping around the house is her "job". But, BE GENTLE about it... her reaction may be "OK, then I'll get a job" which may interfere with school work.


    Answer by Crafty26 at 8:29 AM on Jan. 26, 2011

  • Sometime too much pressure can cause total shut honest but gentle and stay on task yourself when it comes to what you clearly expect from her...when you slack off then she will too...good luck!

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:42 PM on Feb. 2, 2011

  • The list is a good idea, but why not invite her to help create the list of what "needs" to be done around the house to keep it going and have her give input? Let her come up with ideas and brainstorm with you, then ask her which ones she would like.

    I've also made a "cash" board, listing out all the things that need to be done with a dollar value assigned to them (that the kids set with our discretion and input). This helps when they are asking for money, i just say - what needs to be done still this week that you can earn the money?

    Answer by jlvalentine at 11:43 PM on Feb. 5, 2011

  • If it makes you feel any better you just described my 19 year old son. He's going to the local college, lives at home, and is not working. (He's looked, but couldn't find anything.) He does some of his chores half assed too. He's getting free room and board, but he helps out with driving his brothers from school and to Boy Scouts. He helps with the dishes. He does extra chores if he wants to earn a little pocket money. I definitely understand about wanting him to help out a little more around the house. He's in his 4th semester at the college so I've slowly backed off in making lunches for him. He will actually make himself a pbj sandwich some days. Sometimes if he has no plans for the day, I will ask him to do a couple chores around the house (without pay). He cooks a family meal for us once a month and he does his own laundry.

    Answer by zboys at 9:47 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

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