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How do you know if it's time for a divorce?

I'm sure many of you will say "when you ask that question!" and I guess I partially agree.

DH and I have been married for almost 5 yrs and I feel like we've been in this perpetual cycle... everything's fine, then he starts drinking and staying out, I get upset about it and give him an ultimatum (which obviously I haven't stuck to), he is fine for a while and I forgive him, but it starts all over again... and it just goes around and around.

My dillema is that I have stuck with him through drugs, rehab, cheating (he kissed someone else), leaving me 4x, losing a business, alcoholism... I have forgiven him time and time again, given him numerous chances, and I feel like I've had enough. I realize that he doesn't truly want to change b/c he's never even really tried.

Ladies... should I give it another go or just give it up?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 11:45 AM on Nov. 14, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (14)
  • I don't know. I'm one of those woman who really don't believe in divorce unless there is abuse. But only you can know how much more you can take of this relationship. I would weigh your options, see what seems best for you and your family and then perhaps talk with a counselor. If he'll go to counseling with you, that might be a good first step.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:49 AM on Nov. 14, 2008

  • I don't think anyone can tell you when to let it go, but I'll tell you how I knew it was time for divorce: when he was continuing to do the same things, and I thought to myself he's never going to stop, he's never going to change. He thinks there's nothing wrong with what he's doing, and either I need to get out or to suck it up and accept this is the way things are and always will be.

    You have to look at things, and decide if there's any chance things will improve, if he wants them to, and if you've done everything you can. Have you tried counseling? It doesn't always work, didn't for me and my ex, but I still think people should give it a shot. If you've done everything, or you just really feel that nothing will change and you can't deal with the way things are, then it's time to go. Good luck!

    Answer by tropicalmama at 11:49 AM on Nov. 14, 2008

  • You see the cycle. Show him the cycle. Tell him to prove he loves you and break the cycle or you have to leave. Set a timeframe (3 mo or 6 mo or a yr). Make it his choice to save the marriage or you are out. Men understand timelines and deadlines. Since your ultimatum has been an open threat he didn't have to show permanent signs of change. Tell him that crap is over. He can be a man and fix his family or you will go find a real man who can be a good husband to you. He'll get the message but this way gives him the chance to make things work.

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:52 AM on Nov. 14, 2008

  • I feel like this IS abuse. I am the child of an alcoholic and a drug addict. I remember being my kids' age and knowing my mom was getting high. I remember being even younger than my kids and my dad hitting my mom. He may not hit me, but the emotional turmoil of not knowing where he is, who he's with, if he's okay, etc. is destroying me slowly. He isn't dependable, he isn't considerate, he isn't who he used to be. He has become more and more self-centered and selfl-involved. His decisions no longer seem to involve what's best for the family... only what's best for him. The worst part is that he's told me before that I don't deserve him and he's not good enough for me.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:00 PM on Nov. 14, 2008

  • I think the answer lies in your last statement "I realize he doesnt truly want to change b/c he has nt even tried " I think deep down you know in your heart what you want to do but just want the reasurance you are doing the right thing ,if its possible for you to get out of the relationship then I would . good luck b/c I know it isnt easy x

    Answer by loulou332 at 12:02 PM on Nov. 14, 2008

  • i have walked in your shoes and am going through a divorce right now- best decision I've ever made. It is hard, but I feel so much better, and I do love my soon to be x- very much. Just becasue its right for me doesn't mean its right for you. You have to decide for yourself when/if its right to leave. If you ever wanna talk, send me a note.

    Answer by mykidsrock77 at 12:10 PM on Nov. 14, 2008

  • I agree with admckenzie. Give him a time line as his last chance and if he doesn't change, stick to it and get out of that crap. Sometimes I wish I had.

    Answer by KlieneMutter at 12:58 PM on Nov. 14, 2008

  • My issue with a timeline is that I've done it before and he never really seemed to care, and it's my fault for not really "enforcing" it. I guess I used it as an empty threat. I take the blame on that one. I just talked to him a minute ago and he didn't really seem to care that I was thinking about leaving.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:29 PM on Nov. 14, 2008

  • I have been where you are and my honest opinion is GIVE IT UP AND GO NOW. There is far too much I can tell you that will will fit in this little box. If you ever want to chat, feel free to contact me. I was married to an addict for 10 yrs. I've been divorced for 3. I am truly "living" now. But I think you know when you've had enough. My deciding factor was when I was just numb. I had no more to discuss, I didn't want to fight anymore or argue or worry. I was tired. I was DONE.

    Answer by hopelessnance at 1:32 PM on Nov. 14, 2008

  • He won't change because what he is doing works just fine for him. You always forgive him so there's no need to change...the next time he slips up, you will forgive him. If you've had enough,
    u need to ask yourself this question: am I better off with him or without him

    Answer by companygoddess at 2:12 PM on Nov. 14, 2008

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