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3 Bumps

How to handle a man who is emotionally involved with a daughter-in-law

Hi, I'm not used to chatting on line so hopefully this will reach someone. I"ve been reading Fascinating Woman for a couple of years. I am dating a man who is 56, I am 46 and I have two kids 7 and 8. He has 4 kids from age 30-35 all with spouses and grandkids. We've been dating a couple of years.

When we first met, we both had opposite sex friends that we were very close to. Now, both he and I have let those friends go, particularly ex's. He has one relationship remaining that he needs to have with a daughter-in-law that is very close. She used to send him porn and joke sexually. He told her a year ago that is not appropriate for a father in law and daughter in law.
Now, when we get the families together, he seems emtionally involved with her to me. If I get up from sitting next to him, she sits down, touches his leg and talks, then doesn't let me sit back down next to him. If one of the kids does something cute, they look at each other and smile and share the moment instead of looking at her husband or myself. I feel invisible when my boyfriend is around her. She flirts and hides things behind her back and tells my boyfriend to "come and get it".

He says this is all playful. Her husband (my boyfriend's son) is pushing his wife away. He works out of town a lot and actually locked her out of the bedroom when we were there recently at night and she had to get a screwdriver to get in.

When I brought this up, that my boyfriend and his other son are really close to his daughter-in-law and giving her attention that her husband isn't giving her, he blew up and got angry.

I've been using FW with him for almost 2 years. I love him and normally he is there for me and values me. It seems like we could be close to possibly getting married. I can't see myself living with his relationship with this daughter-in-law. I don't know whether to try to accept this about him or do something else. Is there some other FW perspective or something I can try? Thank you for your thoughts.

Answer Question
 
ToriColorado

Asked by ToriColorado at 8:59 AM on Jan. 26, 2011 in Relationships

Level 2 (5 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • You have to ask yourself if you are going to be able to handle this. I honestly would not be ok with it and would have to end the relationship. Honestly it sounds like a Jerry show in the making.
    Alanaplus3

    Answer by Alanaplus3 at 9:04 AM on Jan. 26, 2011

  • Well if his relationship with her was this way before you things dont often change. Why did either of you give up friends of the opposite sex? I have alot of friends who are guys and my dh has women friends and its never been a huge problem. I am friends with both my ex's (frenemies so to speak) and again never an issue? Is there a reason you guys felt the need to do this?

    Maybe he is angry at the idea of giving up another relationship with someone he cares about. Sure it might be uhm, too close, but have you asked any other family members their thoughts about it? Why did this relationship start? How long has it been going on? You might get some answers as to why he feels the need to give her this attention. I think you need to get to the root of why before just getting upset. I think there is more to the story between her and her husband and maybe the family feels responsible for how shes being treated.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 9:05 AM on Jan. 26, 2011

  • Unless you want to live with this situation permanently, I would just walk away. The truth is that it is up to your boyfriend to put a stop to the DIL's behavior and he has not done that. She won't let you sit back down? Why does he not get up and walk away? All he would have to do would be make it plain to her that what she is doing is totally inappropriate and that either she stops, or he stops coming to any place where she's going to be. This is a terrible example for your children, and I assume they are with you at least some of the time when this is happening. I would not put up with it.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:13 AM on Jan. 26, 2011

  • def sounds like a lifetime drama story. i would ask him if he wants this to end. if he says yes then tell him you think you can help by responding to her porno emails...i wouldnt be ugly. just let her know that you are veiwing his emails too. say something like "lol, that is so funny, or gross!" xoxo toricolorodo...

    i think that would eat her up!
    shay1130

    Answer by shay1130 at 9:17 AM on Jan. 26, 2011

  • I'd have to say something when she does what she does, like "you two need to get a room". If it's that obvious to you then it's obvious to everyone but it's being ignored. It might be why her husband locks her out of the bedroom. She may just be an attention ho and as long as he gives it to her she'll keep it up. He needs to stop her. It's no different than an emotional affair. He needs to respect you and right now he's not.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:32 AM on Jan. 26, 2011

  • Ummmm.....run from this man.....do NOT marry him......See the red flags and believe them......trust your gut.....this is NOT something you should put up with....and it will not change....
    Anna92464

    Answer by Anna92464 at 9:35 AM on Jan. 26, 2011

  • She sounds very emotionally attached to your man esp. due to the fact that her husband pushes her away. She is stepping on boundaires because she can. Your man allows it and encourages this playful behavior and you do not say anything at the moment it is occurring.. She therefore is doing it also on purpose because she knows she can get a rise of out of you. She sounds very manipulative . Tell your man either she cuts it out or you will tell her yourself.If she still continues call her out to lunch and tell her to back off in a nonconfrontial way. GL.
    mamacita69930

    Answer by mamacita69930 at 9:36 AM on Jan. 26, 2011

  • oh, and next time she snags your chair i would sit in his lap, pat her on the leg....give your man a big smooch right in front of her.
    shay1130

    Answer by shay1130 at 9:38 AM on Jan. 26, 2011

  • you need to make this winch hate you...be the evil mother in law! make her get her ass up and do a chore or something. ask her if she could help you with the dishes or keep the kids busy...i would keep her ass busy
    shay1130

    Answer by shay1130 at 9:41 AM on Jan. 26, 2011

  • bumpHere is a bump for you . GL, I feel for ya. It must be difficult every time you see the bi*otch...

    mamacita69930

    Answer by mamacita69930 at 9:51 AM on Jan. 26, 2011

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