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Should I Give Some Unsolicited Advice?

I very rarely tell someone my opinion unless they ask for it. I don't like to get involved in other people's relationships, but I'm seeing a situation that I think I may be able to help, and want to know what ya'll think.

I have a good female friend who is 25. (I am also a sort of mom-surrogate for her sometimes, her mom isn't involved in her life). She is living with, and engaged to, another good friend of ours who is 45.

She treats him bad. If he's not home she calls and texts over and over because he's not home with her. She nags him if he doesn't do what she wants. She's lazy; she doesn't like to do housework or cook - she expects her SO to do everything. She doesn't treat him with respect, and in turn, he treats her with disrespect as well. They are supposed to get married in September. I have watched their relationship deteriorate over the last few months, they love each other, but honestly my male friend is getting to the point of just wanting to end the relationship. He has said little things, and I can tell by his actions (he prefers to be at our home rather than his) that he is at the end of his rope. I love my GF, but the problem really is with her. I've kept quiet, but we're moving in a few days and I feel like I have to say something to her. (we will still be in contact, but obviously won't be seeing each other almost every day).

I want to tell her that she needs to treat him and their relationship with respect. I want to tell her that a good spouse thinks of their partner's needs/wants as often (or more) than their own. I want to tell her that she is going to lose what could be a good relationship if she doesn't grow up and start acting like a partner to him.

So, thoughts?

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Scuba

Asked by Scuba at 1:22 PM on Jan. 27, 2011 in Relationships

Level 34 (64,138 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • I say go for it. From what I see you have wonderful advise.
    mommy_of_two388

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 1:24 PM on Jan. 27, 2011

  • Aww, thank you mommy of two.
    Scuba

    Comment by Scuba (original poster) at 1:25 PM on Jan. 27, 2011

  • In this case, please say something. They do NOT need to be married.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 1:26 PM on Jan. 27, 2011

  • Hmmm. If it were me, I would probably encourage the guy (you said you're friends with him too, right?) to talk to her, especially if they're planning on walking down the aisle. I'd gently let him know that I see what's going on and that perhaps a heart-to-heart talk with her (and a wedding postponement?) might do some good.
    For me, I think the only way I would discuss it with her is if SHE brought it up first, like if she noticed he's avoiding her and started complaining about it to you. If she does that, then, well, maybe you should say something if you don't think she'd flip out.
    vicesix

    Answer by vicesix at 1:27 PM on Jan. 27, 2011

  • I think it would hurt more if you DON'T say anything. If she is a real friend then she will at least listen to your advice. It sounds to me like she has a lot of growing up to do!
    ejglass09

    Answer by ejglass09 at 1:27 PM on Jan. 27, 2011

  • This is a tough situation and I would tread lightly. Tell your GF what you see as a person looking in. Be careful! She may not want to see or have her faults pointed out to her. I would suggest saying things like, "this is common for us women to go through", or, "I know this because I've done it myself". This way she doesn't feel 'singled out' and may be more open to hearing what you have to say because you're doing it to see your good friend grow in life.
    Inana

    Answer by Inana at 1:34 PM on Jan. 27, 2011

  • I would send her an email or letter and spell out your concerns to her. But I hate confrontation so maybe I am just a wimp. At the end of the day, if you are willing to risk the friendship, then I say go for it. Also, while I see that you feel she is mostly at fault for this, try not to lay all of the blame at her feet. It sounds like you are closer to her fiance so you may be hearing more of his side than hers, and even if she is a bigger part of the problem, it always takes two to tango and if your friend is having problems with his wife-to-be he would be better served to be at home working them out with her than over at his friends house complaining about her. I'm not saying he's the problem here, I'm just trying to make the point that if you place all the blame on her she might not hear what else you have to say, but if you come across as objective and looking at both sides then she may be open to your help. Good luck.
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 1:35 PM on Jan. 27, 2011

  • I think you should say something. Its for her own sake. I have a sort of similar situation, but its with my SIL and her husband, she does the same thing you described, he hates it, but still puts up with it, he has told my husband though that he doesnt want to. Its sad to see. I havent said anything, and probably wont because I dont want to start family drama, and she lives right down the street, but in your case, especially since they havent gotten married yet I would do it. I think being honest and possibly being able to save the relationship is worth the risk.
    -LovingMamma-

    Answer by -LovingMamma- at 1:36 PM on Jan. 27, 2011

  • I don't know. On the one hand, it might open her (their?) eyes. But on the other hand, it could foster resentment. I think I'd prefer the idea of encourage the man to bring it up with his fiance, so there's no sense of airing their dirty laundry in public.
    DragonRiderMD

    Answer by DragonRiderMD at 1:42 PM on Jan. 27, 2011

  • If I were to tell anyone anything it would be to tell him to talk with her and let HIM tell her to straighten up or move out. She sounds like she needs to go. She's not going to change. He deserves better anyway.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:45 PM on Jan. 27, 2011

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