Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

4 Bumps

Behavior PROBLEMS!!!

I have a 6 and 7 year old stepkids, who are having behavior issues. Right when they get home from school it seems like they are always grounded and im pregnant with my first and im scared now and when the baby comes im too frustrated with them. We take their toys away, spank them, and talk to them. We even have a sticker chart if they behave right. So far they havent acted right and It seems like im always yelling at them how can I form that bond when they cant follow rules. They ruin the house, kick me, argue, steal, break toys they just get, its been terrible!!! And my fiancee dont know how to help me out with them while he's gone at work...Im just at a dead end and we just moved outta state and dont know many people that will watch them for me at this time, my dr's worried also cause my blood pressure is up the roof!!! I have not a clue what I can do??....

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 6:37 PM on Jan. 27, 2011 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Answers (12)
  • I would try family therapy
    rkoloms

    Answer by rkoloms at 6:47 PM on Jan. 27, 2011

  • Have a Family Meeting every week at the same time. For 15 minutes.
    Write out the Agenda ahead of time.
    Anyone can add to the agenda prior to the meeting.
    When you get there compliment them on how hard they have been working, how much you appreciate it.
    It's been going pretty well, but a couple of things needs some help.
    Ask them for suggestions on solutions-- get their input. Having contributed to this will be encouraging to want to do it and will give them pride.
    Without scolding ask for suggestions IF these things don't work out."YOU get to veto anything UNreasonable~ but with their input they're more likely to be inspired to have better behavior and to work at it more.

    Be sure to have a consistent routine and rhythm, slow down the extra activities, less/no media IF it's a part of their world.
    Many things you might try, but this is a little start.

    Good luck!!


    doulala

    Answer by doulala at 6:59 PM on Jan. 27, 2011

  • I would divide and conquer. First and foremost though, I would take a deep breath, and let the stress go, it isn't good for you or the baby. Relax Mama! When the kids come in the door, find something nice to say about each one of them. Use positive re-inforcement whenever they do something right. If they feel your fear they will feed off of it! If kids feel that no matter what they do, it will be wrong, they will quit trying to do the right thing. So make up your mind to try not to bitch about anything for a week, just to find good in all that they do. Ask them about their day at school, be interested in what is happening in their lives, and did I mention relax? You have to be able to laugh Mom, laugh at little thngs, at big things. Don't ever laugh at your children-but try to find the humor in any situation. God Bless you, you'll make it!
    MamaAlice54

    Answer by MamaAlice54 at 7:16 PM on Jan. 27, 2011

  • And sweetie, quit yelling. If you want to get their attention. whisper or say it in a low voice. Save the yelling for life or death situations! Really, it works!
    MamaAlice54

    Answer by MamaAlice54 at 7:20 PM on Jan. 27, 2011

  • Try guidance and re direction. Instead of telling them what they cannot do, when you say they cant do something a kid wants to do it even more. If they are throwing things in the house, give them a ball and say they can throw it outside. Be honest with them. " I see you are (whatever the behavior is) and I am very frustrated that you are not listening to my words." Just talking...not yelling can do wonders. Children need to feel like they are an important part of your family and that you love them. I don't believe in time-outs, or spanking. If they are misbehaving, tell them that since they cannot behave safely, that need to calm down in their room with the door shut. If they choose to scream or throw things while in there, its not hurting you, so I would just let them get out whatever it is. Often times kids mis behave because they want attention. Just let them talk to you about why they are acting this way. follow Through!!
    Tarrar

    Answer by Tarrar at 7:21 PM on Jan. 27, 2011

  • We got family counseling for our two girls. Ages 6 and 7. It has worked wonders as far as teaching us all how to behav and not yell. You should check it out. My girls insurance pays for the whole family to go, well actually the therapists come here....its like my own super nanny.
    ashisamom

    Answer by ashisamom at 7:27 PM on Jan. 27, 2011

  • First off, you need a break. Have bio mom take kids when your dh is working! You are not free daycare esp when you're preggers and stressed. ALso, sounds like your discipline isn't working either. You cannot let the kids see you mad, ever!!! (learned this in counseling) You need to talk very quietly instead of yelling. They need to be assured that you're not going to lose control on them b/c that actually gives them your power and scares them, therefore they act out more. Also you need to really put your relationship with your spouse number 1, it's so easy to let it slip away when you're dealing with problem step children, then when the baby comes it's even harder and harder. You can do this mama, don't fret, but alot of things need to change for the better. Change whatever you can that doesn't work. Effective discipline stops bad behavior. I feel really bad for you. I dealt with one problem step child for years. She (cont)
    JackieGirl007

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 7:30 PM on Jan. 27, 2011

  • (cont) kicked me in the stomach when I was pregnant. I can't imagine having two!!!!! God help you and bless you, congrats on the baby. It's ok to say you need help. Just let your dh know how desperate you are for change. Communicate and all it's the KEY! HUGS!
    JackieGirl007

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 7:31 PM on Jan. 27, 2011

  • I have no advice just wanted to say I've had the same issues with my kids and they are biologically mine. Mostly my oldest (10yo girl). She drives me nuts and knows exactly how to push my buttons. She just spent the entire month of December grounded (my husband's punishment, not mine) including her entire Christmas break and she still doesn't care. She won't follow rules, steals from us, steals food, sneaks her DS into her room (I have to hide it and she goes through my room looking for it) to play until all hours, mouths off, refuses to do homework, won't clean, won't take baths, is physically violent with her siblings when she doesn't get her way. It just goes on and on. It's exhausting. I was sure I was going to go into labor early last year because of the stress she caused me. I was spending 90% of my time just dealing with her and basically ignoring the other 3 kids. Now I have a 6mo also. It's crazy.
    justanotherjen

    Answer by justanotherjen at 12:40 AM on Jan. 28, 2011

  • Was their behavior always like this? If you just moved, they may be having a hard time adjusting. You didn't say where their mother is - is she in their lives at all? I agree w/ getting family counseling. Sometimes you need an outside person to look at the situation and see things you don't.

    I'm sorry that all of you are having such a hard time. My best advice is to try to step back and not take this personally. Really hard to do, I know, but if you aren't yelling & angry, they'll respond better and you won't be so stressed.

    I assume they're at school. How is their behavior there? You may be able to get some help from your school psychologist or at least a referral.
    sweetpotato418

    Answer by sweetpotato418 at 7:45 AM on Jan. 28, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.
close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN