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2 Bumps

How do you cope with toxic family?

My therapist and my own sister have told me repeatedly to stay away from my mother as much as possible and to see her as an acquaintance. But I still cling to her. We go through this cycle of being best friends to her telling me off and fighting me. The last time she hit me was when I was 17 but instead she attacks verbally and mentally. She even says horrible things when she's mad. For example, she starts yelling like and it reminds me of a mad gorilla- it's so volatile! I can't even disagree to talk because she throws out things that don't make sense or I can't defend- things I did as a kid and teen. And then she goes even further and will start accusing me of lying about her brother raping me and how I tried to make her and her sisters turn against her poor brother who was only a pre teen when he "supposedly molested me". There was a reason I didn't want to tell them because I knew they were very narrow minded and wouldn't want to believe it. The drs used to tell my mother there were signs I was sexually abused by my behavior but instead of finding out the truth, I would get beat for "acting like a kid who had been raped when I had no right." She denies ever hitting. I have this fear that one day people are going to come forward to tell me I've been beating my kids and I won't even know it. For a long time I thought I was crazy and made the whole thing up but my sister reminds me it did and she has the exact same fears.

I'm so sad I feel suicidal. All it takes is one attack from my mom and I go back to that dark place. I don't want to keep doing this with her but I want a mom.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 1:19 PM on Jan. 28, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (6)
  • You'll have to find a mom figure elsewhere,,,, this is merely a person who provided genetic material but she IS NOT a mom to you.

    Until/unless she gets help, you need to get her out of your life. Sorry... I know that's not the answer you want. But you may need to just stand up on your own without her.

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:24 PM on Jan. 28, 2011

  • I know you want her as a mom, but right now, it doesn't sound like she is willing to do that. You know she isn't going to change, because she doesn't see the problem with herself. You are just that little kid who keeps putting your hand out, hoping this time will be different, and she just keeps smacking it away. I know how you feel, my mom and i had MAJOR problems, not exactly like yours, but i know the feeling. And from my experience, all i can say is, put distance between you and her, physically, mentally and emotionally. She is not helping you in any way, and right now, you need to hell yourself. It's going to be hard, but you need to get healthy from the inside out, and she will only hinder this. I agree with your therapist and don't need anyone in your life, that can't bring happiness and positivity.
    Good luck.
    After I took a break from my mom, and helped me, we are now closer than ever.

    Answer by Mme.Langley at 1:28 PM on Jan. 28, 2011

  • Yes, find a mom figure. MIL, Aunt, older cousin, nice older neighbor lady.

    Answer by LoveMyDog at 1:30 PM on Jan. 28, 2011

  • I have to agree with the pp'r you have to let your mother go... she needs help and until she gets it
    you are going to be her target ...
    You should also consider seeking out counseling to help you with these issues... it won't hurt, infact
    it may just the be want you need to help you stay away from her..
    It will be hard for you first, bc you want this relationship with your mother as any child would, but you have
    to think of yourself and self esteem, your feelings, your life and what her attacks are doing to you...

    (((HUGS))) to you and I hope you find peace with this so that you can go on and have a
    happy life, something that YOU deserve to have...

    Answer by gmasboy at 1:35 PM on Jan. 28, 2011

  • Sweetheart, this broke my heart when I read it. Any woman can be a mother, it takes a real woman to be a mom. Go find a best friend, or an older woman to have companionship with. This woman doesn't deserve your love or your loyalty. God Bless you hun, I hope peace finds you.

    Answer by kitchenwitch78 at 3:07 PM on Jan. 28, 2011

  • i keep it simple i stay away

    Answer by gwen20 at 5:16 PM on Jan. 28, 2011

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