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My dad wants to make-up...but I don't think I ever want to. (Long, sorry)

In order for you to provide me with some decent advice, you will need some background on my situation, so I apologize for the length of this. Here goes: My parents divorced when I was about 6. My sister was 3 or 4. They never told us, one day daddy just didn't live at our house anymore. It wasn't unusual to us, because he was NEVER around anyways. We went to our dads house on the weekends. He was never very stable, but as young as we were, we had no idea what was really going on. He had a lot of girlfriends, really weird ones. He had one girlfriend named Lisa. We HATED her and her son. They were very mean to us. We voiced our opinions, but were ignored. She did alot of drugs, and hated me and my sister, so my dad decided that we weren't allowed to come over for awhile. He married her. When we did go over, I remember being locked in my bedroom for hours, being hit, left alone all night when I was only 12 watching her jerk kid and my baby sis. Eventually they got divorced. After that, he didnt really have any girlfriends that I remember, but when we went to his house, he didnt do anything with us. He just watched Nascar all weekend. We loved him, and sometimes he did fun things, like bring our mattress in the living room to sleep out there etc. But I think we were to young to fully understand/express our feelings. He talked bad about our mom alot. I now think that he is jealous of the life she has made for herself and for us. when we got older he met and married Tracy. She is a very different person, and we have never gotten along well, but she was good for him and was always nice to us. I think when we became young teens, he wanted to try to have relationships, but he didn't know how to treat us like we weren't 4, so he gave up quickly. He gave us money sometimes. When I was 18, he completely cut me off. Took me off his insurance without telling me, stopped child support, but never understood why I was so hurt and confused and angry with him. I gave up trying to talk, and just went about my life, seeing him on special occasions, going on family trips in the summer, just completely avoiding my feelings. When my sister graduated high school, he didnt get her a gift, I had to FORCE him to show up to the ceremony, and he left part way through it. At this point, I was SO infuriated. I called him, and let out ALL the anger that I had been building up for so many years. He responded by saying very hateful and hurtful things to me. He honestly believes that he was a wonderful father and had done nothing wrong. i said some things that were not nice, but they were true, he needed to hear them and if given the chance I wouldn't take it back. I have not spoken to him in two years. He tells family that I dont come around because I am snobby and childish. His family plays into his denial, so they don't talk to me anymore. Randomly, he will send me a text saying " hello daughter!" "I hope you have a good day!" He told my sister he wanted me to be in their holiday pic this year. He has acted like nothing happened, and it will all just blow over. I am 24 now, I still talk to my step-mom, they have a son together, and I do not want this to affect my relationship with him. Now that I am expecting my first child, he is acting like he is so excited to get to be a grandpa etc. I do not want him to be one for my child. A few hours ago he sent me this text "Have you ever thought about trying to break our wall down? even if its one brick at a time?" I have been waiting for him to do something for 2 1/2 years, but now...I honestly think that I do not want him in my life, ever. I am no longer emotionally invested in this. My life has been SO much less stressful these last couple years, I am happy, I am no longer on antidepressants or anxiety meds. I love all of the people in my life. I dont think about him, I dont care about him. does this make me a bad person? I feel like I gave him 22 years of chances, and I am just over it. He doesnt get another one. I have no feelings about about, Im not angry, or sad, or hurt. I am just done. I don't know how to respond. I dont know what to do. I am very lucky to have a stepdad who has raised me as his own, so I feel like I already have a dad, I don't need another one. I don't want to put any effort into him anymore or ever again. I don't know what to do, or how to tell him any of this. Any advice would be helpful, but if you are going to be spiteful or do any bashing, please don't even bother. Thanks for taking the time to read my lengthy story!!

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Tarrar

Asked by Tarrar at 6:02 PM on Jan. 28, 2011 in Relationships

Level 22 (13,733 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • I think you should forgive your dad and let by gones be by gones. life is too short.
    Shanaz S.

    Answer by Shanaz S. at 6:06 PM on Jan. 28, 2011

  • I'm so sorry that you missed out on a good relationship with your father, but it sounds like you had a wonderful mom.

    My dad was a great dad when I was a kid, then did much of what you've mentioned & was out of my life for 20 years, missing my boys entire childhoods. I understand the hurt the stress & not wanting to let it happen again.

    You have every right to feel the way you do & until he takes responsibility for the things he's done, you'll never be able to trust him, even if he does it will be difficult, but at least it would be a start. He needs to let you know that he knows he screwed up & to acknowledge your right to have the feelings that you have & maybe even to let his family know what kind of childhood you really had, so that you aren't taking responsibility for the relationship he has with you, with extended family. Until he does those things it will be difficult to have a relationship of any kind with him.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 6:13 PM on Jan. 28, 2011

  • Anyway, you might write him a letter telling him that.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 6:14 PM on Jan. 28, 2011

  • If he dropped from the face of the earth one day would rather regret telling him you'd give him another try and to be a better grandparent towards your child than he was to you or rather have no regrets at all towards him? I've had a couple friends who have had grudges towards a family member of theres and when they died the person felt so horrible because they couldn't say sorry or what they really wanted to say. I say try to give him a chance for his grand baby if anything else.
    sweetpea1217

    Answer by sweetpea1217 at 6:22 PM on Jan. 28, 2011

  • Oh, and Shanaz, it's not always a matter of forgiving. Even when you forgive someone you may not want to let them be part of your life if you can't trust them. When people don't acknowledge what they've done, they put the responsibility on you, and they usually don't change their behavior.

    Although I think it's important to try to save a relationship, it sounds like she's given him many chances, and that she doesn't have to choose to continue being hurt. Only Tarrar knows how much she can take. And if she really has enough of a relationship with him to make it worth it.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 6:26 PM on Jan. 28, 2011

  • If you are happy with the people in your life and you feel like you've given your father enough tries than it's your right to cut him out of your life; you could try explaining to him that you aren't willing to give him another chance simply because it wouldn't be fair to your child to have a grandfather that will be in and out of of his/her life like he was with you. It's possible that he may be making a genuine attempt to change his ways and be a good grandfather but in order to do that he'd have to admit to all his wrongdoings as a father. I honestly don't know what I'd do if I were in your place; sometimes being a grandparent is enough to knock sense into someone. I think you should have one last conversation with your dad, give him a chance to explain himself - if he isn't willing to admit to his mistakes than it proves he hasn't really changed and you can walk away without a doubt that you've made the right choice.
    momof2inCT2007

    Answer by momof2inCT2007 at 6:41 PM on Jan. 28, 2011

  • My mom passed away 3 years ago. Give your dad another try. You are only 24. What if this time you both can move forward and have a good relationship? There are many people involved here, your new sibling, your stepmom, extended family. He's trying, he doesn't know what to do either. You say you are no longer angry, so that is great, you can move beyond it and try again with a clean slate this time, not with an agenda to rip him a new one for the past. I'm not saying he didn't deserve a ripping, I'm just saying you did that, he took it, and still came back for more. Maybe he has changed. Maybe he will be an awesome Grandpa. Maybe your child having a fabulous relationship with him is now more important than you having it, kwim?
    gramsmom

    Answer by gramsmom at 6:49 PM on Jan. 28, 2011

  • Tell him what you have said here............that you are "no longer emotionally invested in this. My life has been SO much less stressful these last couple years, I am happy, I am no longer on antidepressants or anxiety meds. I love all of the people in my life. I dont think about him, I dont care about him. does this make me a bad person? I feel like I gave him 22 years of chances, and I am just over it. He doesnt get another one. I have no feelings about about, Im not angry, or sad, or hurt. I am just done. "  " I am very lucky to have a stepdad who has raised me as his own, so I feel like I already have a dad".  Be up front and honest.  You might let him visit once in awhile, maybe, but do what is in your heart.  You deserve the best.  hug

    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 7:14 PM on Jan. 28, 2011

  • sweety as parents we all make mistakes, your dad s was that he focused on himself and maybe was not ready to be a father,,,please accept my apologies if i offend you not trying too, your mother did a wonderful job with you and your sister,,,,go give her a big hug!! my dad was an alcoholic,,,,,i dispised him at times, especially when he was drunk,,,,,when he was sober he was the greatest dad ever,,we always had the bills paid, food on the table, he take us out, etc,,,, yet when he got sick, and one day was stabbed in bosston by 5 guys,,,,,,, i was the one who took him to the hospital and took care of him until the day of his death,,,,,,,,, i don't regret it cause before he passed , i told him what he did and how he hurt us,,, and he cried ,got help ,stopped drinking, andour family had a wonderful relationship....i thank the lord thathe gave us another chance,,,i wish you the best ,..god bless!!

    seexxymama4u2me

    Answer by seexxymama4u2me at 7:24 PM on Jan. 28, 2011

  • It is rather unfortunate (to say the least) that you had to grow up in the situation that you described. The first couple of sentences to your story could have been written by me, but then it stopped there.

    While I can certainly empathize w/the pain that you felt over not having a close relationship w/your father, you need to reach inside of yourself and find that forgiveness for the person who has wronged you so much. Your father can't go back & undo the past or even make up for what you didn't receive from him growing up. When you hold resentment or unforgiveness in your heart, you are not hurting him, only yourself. It will rear it's ugly head in other areas of your life, too. Forgiving him is not saying what he did was okay with you. It is merely holding no animosity towards them. It is moving on. You can then make the decision to allow him back into your life, as an adult or not. (next)
    etexmom

    Answer by etexmom at 10:30 PM on Jan. 28, 2011

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