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3 Bumps

What else can I do to foster a healthy relationship between my ex and my 4 year old dd?

My dd is 4 and her father is in the military. He was out of her life until she was 2, saw her 2 times a week (just a couple hours each time) for about 9 months. Now he is in the military and out of the country. I have noticed in my posts a few of you ladies saying I need to be sure to foster a healthy relationship between my dd and her dad. Can anyone give me any sugestions apart from what I am already doing? I allow him to talk to her antime he wants between 8am and 7 pm (her waking hours), even though he only calls like once a month and I have only missed one call. I don't allow skype on my laptop because he intentionally sent me a virus through skype when he said he was sending a pic for my d. The tech who fixed it said there was no way he didn't know since the virus was the attachment. BTW it cost about $150 to have it removed. Anytime he asks for pictures of her, I send them though they are always returned "return to sender" because the address he gives me is not right. I am trying to get her excited about him coming back, he will be living only one state away, but she is pretty much indifferent, even on the phone with him, she doesn't get excited or even happy to talk to him. His mother lives around the corner and anytime she sees use, she ignores us or goes the other way, but I ALWAYS give her the option of comming over to see my dd (I don't like walk away or anything). I even told her dad if he wanted to send money, I would buy Christmas and birthday presents from him since he is in Sourth Korea and it would be very hard for him to ship stuff, plus, even he admits, he would have no idea what to buy her. On Christmas morning I made a big deal about the fact that they were from him and showed her a pic of him from his profile on facebook. I don't want a judge to think I am trying to ruin their relationship (or lack there of) and I don't want my dd to one day think that either. Is there anything else I can do? My fiance' is great with her, he has been around since she was one and she calls him "daddy" (we didn't force or even encourage it) so she has a father figure in her life. I tell her she is lucky to have 2 daddy's who love her and she says "no, Hector (my ex) is not my daddy". Oh, he won't give me his cell phone # IDK why but he only calls me from his work line that if you call it back, it goes straight to the main office, and they can't (or won't) connect me. Just in case anyone would suggest letting her call him. I would really apriciate any and all advise. I am at my wits end because it almost seems that he is only interested in her when he wants to be.

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JLS2388

Asked by JLS2388 at 9:43 PM on Jan. 28, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 25 (25,280 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • Unless you intend to play "daddy" forever I would stop that. Let him take on the role in her life that he intends to take on. If he calls let her get on the phone and if he comes to see her let him. Just be the mom and be there for her no matter what he does.
    treynlisa

    Answer by treynlisa at 9:54 PM on Jan. 28, 2011

  • Isn't he coming home soon? It will be easier for her to relate to him when he comes home. Sometimes Dads have no idea what to do with their daughters. Is he receptive to you making plans for them to do? Like maybe give him a list of think that she likes to do? As far as her saying that her father is not her Daddy, you need to explain to her whether she likes it or not he is her Dad and nothing can change that. My son's father took off with a whole new family and my husband LEGALLY adopted my son but, he knows he is to show his BF respect and not be rude to him when he comes around. He hasn't seen or heard from him in almost a year. At her age, you have to make her dad someone she wants to be around, in a few years she can make that choice for herself. It is hard with a father being in the military, this past 8 months is the most time my children have spent with their dad and they are 8, 6, 5, 4, 23 months.
    matthewscandi

    Answer by matthewscandi at 10:06 PM on Jan. 28, 2011

  • And as far as you buying the the gifts from "daddy." I have always done that, even if you were together he probably wouldn't buy the gifts because he doesn't know what to get. At least if this all comes crashing down and she grows up the dislike her father, no one can blame it on you.
    matthewscandi

    Answer by matthewscandi at 10:11 PM on Jan. 28, 2011

  • Dad or daddy is a title that is earned. Not all fathers are dads.
    treynlisa

    Answer by treynlisa at 10:12 PM on Jan. 28, 2011

  • seems like youve done all you can do. onr of my grandsons dad is an hour away and doesnt call or check on him his mom does
    stressedoutgran

    Answer by stressedoutgran at 1:18 AM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • I honestly do feel that I have done everything I can think of but everytime I talk about any problems that there are bewteen my dd and her father, everyone just posts that I need to do more to foster a healthy relationship. I can't make her like him and I can't tell her what a good time she will have over there because she never does and then she'll won't trust me anymore. I was just wondering if anyone has every gone through this
    JLS2388

    Comment by JLS2388 (original poster) at 10:23 AM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • I have been there done that and still going through it. Don't talk bad about him and don't lie for him. The old saying, "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all", totally applies here. Just be the best mom you can be you can't control what anyone else does.
    treynlisa

    Answer by treynlisa at 11:07 AM on Jan. 29, 2011

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