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4 Bumps

Stuck in Paradise

Well I hate even putting this in writting but I want to leave my awesome husband whom I still love and find very sexually attractive. Does that even make any sense? Dont answer that:) I've had this nagging feeling for about a year or so and I can't seem to make it go away. I've been with my husband for for 11 years,since high school. We have a 10 year old daughter together. My husband is a great husband, great father, great son, great grandson pretty much all around great. I have no ther complaints other than I'm not happy and I dont understand why. Things I know about myself are.. I'm co-dependant, very selfless, will always sacrafice for someone else but I can't seem to take care of my self at all. I will go above and beyond for someone else but never me. I feel I have no identity and that freaks me out. When I picture my future, it is never with other men so I know im not seeking other relationships other than with me.help!

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csi0517

Asked by csi0517 at 7:01 AM on Jan. 29, 2011 in Relationships

Level 3 (22 Credits)
Answers (17)
  • Sweetie, you dont need to leave your marriage- you need to visit w/ a counselor to work thru your issues. I think you'd REALLY regret breaking up your marriage & your family b/c of YOUR personal issues. The man has done nothing wrong. These are strictly things YOU are feeling about yourself, & therefore, things YOU need to work out. GL :)
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 7:08 AM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • It's hard to know your situation, but based on that you said you are unhappy, and codependent, I would imagine that you may also be passive aggressive, and that there may be several issues that you haven't mentioned to your husband that have bugged you for 11 years, and that you don't want to mention because you DO like so many qualities about him. I would think though if that were the case that you might have a lot of pent up feelings, and that those may be what is driving you to want to get out of this relationship. I am not going to say the man has done nothing wrong, cuz we can't tell by your post. But I will say that if you haven't spoken up about things that bother you to your husband you have done both of you a disservice. Just let him know. If he's as great as you say, it will make your life together better.
    ladymomtraveler

    Answer by ladymomtraveler at 7:15 AM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • I agree only that I have already seen several couselors and they do help with tips on how to "become my own person", see my self worth, Do things for me but this I feel this goes beyond me not doing anything for myself because I DONT KNOW MYSELF, I dont know who I am or what I believe in. For the longest time I just went along with my husband because he is very inteligent but I want to be true to myself and feel that I cant be happy if I dont explore myself. Also, what I mean about leaving my husband is more like living apart for a while, i dont want to be single. I feel that I'm starting to resent him and in order to save our long term relationship I have to seperate from him for a while.
    csi0517

    Comment by csi0517 (original poster) at 7:16 AM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • Thanks ladymomtraveler, you're right! he isnt perfect no one can be but I've been married for a while and have seen friends and family have relationships that are extrememly immature. THis has helped me to realize that while he isnt perfect he is damn good. I am the envi of my friends, which is difficult because while friends are comlaining about cheating husbands or dead beat fathers, I cant really complain about "not knowing me or feeling unhappy. So I feel more alone then ever. We have gone to marriange counseling and he has complied with all the things that were suggested. So at this point, i have realized that the issue is mine. Is it fair to continue to be unhappy eventhough he has tried to hard to do things out of his comfort zone just to make me feel "better". What I do know is that this is not me or the me that I want to be, the me that I want my daughter to see!
    csi0517

    Comment by csi0517 (original poster) at 7:27 AM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • I think you really need to look at yourself and find things that make you happy. Know that it is okay to disagree wtih you DH. I would also talk with him because maybe he doesn't understand how you feel. In the end you really have to do what is best for you although I would be very careful about just seperating from him. I understand because after being a SAHM for 5 years I felt like I was last priority on my DH's list. I finally got to the point where I was like, either something has to change or I can't do this any more. After not talking for a couple days we sat down and had a long conversation and now 4 years later things are much better.

    Good Luck!
    cornflakegirl3

    Answer by cornflakegirl3 at 7:30 AM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • I started my working career when I was still in high school. I was always working. It wasn't until I was laid off from a very good job that I seemed to lose myself. When I was working people saw me as super mom, working and taking care of my kids and husband. Now that I'm a SAHM I felt that I lost some of my identity. It's only recently that I've been getting it back and I enjoy meeting my friends for lunch during the week.
    robinkane

    Answer by robinkane at 7:45 AM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • Thanks Ladies, I guess I need to think more about this before I do it.
    csi0517

    Comment by csi0517 (original poster) at 8:01 AM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • Browse through some books about self actualization in a good book store or the library. I think you need to work on yourself more and not think about leaving just yet. After you do the "self work" see where you are. It is tough to find a good counselor. Maybe try that again?
    I changed a lot when I got to be 50 or so. I spoke up for myself more, stopped doing things that I really was not interested in, realized the world did not come to an end if I said no to someone, etc. My husband commented that I was a different person and I was waiting for him to say he didn't like the changes. But instead he said "I like her". Be good to yourself! GL hug
    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 8:18 AM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • Thanks! Any suggestions on good books?
    csi0517

    Comment by csi0517 (original poster) at 8:43 AM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • Go back to school, take classes that sound interesting. I do know how you feel needing time alone. But I suggest you find a way to do it with him still your husband. Maybe take a vacation alone without him?
    bjane01

    Answer by bjane01 at 8:54 AM on Jan. 29, 2011

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