Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

4 Bumps

How is he listening to the phone calls? Domestic abuse question. It's not my husband, but I think I'm in danger too.

I have been supporting my neighbor that is suffering domestic abuse. I had suspected that things were not right in her house, but recently she has opened up to me about the abuse. I have been listening to her, trying to "build" her up, and urging her to get help. When I realized how serious the situation was, I contacted the domestic abuse hot line and asked how I could help as a friend. They urged me to not put the husband down (she probably still loves him), but to continue with the urging to get help.

My friend called me the other morning and asked for help moving out. She and her husband have been trying separation, but he's still not leaving her alone. He still drops by and calls a lot. They are now losing their home and she is moving to her brothers house down the road. Evidently he had called her that morning and had changed his mind about how they could divide the furniture. We talked alot that morning and I pointed out the abuse (Last week he was buying roses, one day he's being sad, now he was being mean). I told her she was doing the right thing leaving and that I would help her all that I can. I also told her that if there's something that she wants in her home, to let my husband's friend buy it and then she could buy it back. That all the drama would not be worth it.


I got a phone call from the husband that afternoon (about one hour after I notice his car at their house while she was at work). He started out friendly, asking if his son got home from school- which he had never done before. Then he quickly got nasty and said "that 3rd party thing you were talking about with the furniture is not necessary". I told him I would not talk to him about their relationship, and kept repeating that when he kept talking. He did not come out and threaten me, but I definitely felt threatened. I told him he couldn't pull that crap with me and hung up the phone. I was also thinking how in the world did he know our conversation??? I kept the children at my house until my friend came home. (I couldn't reach her on her cell). When she got home she said that she had met her husband at the library after work. He had already told her about the incident, and that he had a tap on her phone. I'm sure he was trying to limit the damage. (She said she knew he did this with his first wife also). I spoke to her on her cell phone that morning, how could he have taped or listened to that?


I know that this man is not stable. He has been admitted repeatedly to mental hospitals. The police have been called to their home several times. I made a police report about the incident and the police told me that he is already on their "watch" list. They already suspect the abuse. Now he sees me as a person that is supporting her leaving.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 9:40 AM on Jan. 29, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • Oh gosh, I'm sorry you're going through this. I really commend you for helping your neighbor, but don't forget about your safety as well. Please make sure you document everything and never even give him an opening if he calls or comes by. Call the cops immediately if he tries. Best wishes for you and his wife. He needs to be behind bars if he keeps getting out of mental facilities.

    Tapping phones are too easy these days, there are lots of apps and programs that let people do it and the sad thing is, it is usually done by controlling sociopaths and these should never have been put on the market. I'm sure he's hearing the conversation AS it is happening.

    Answer by rio_burb at 9:47 AM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • Do your best to continue to try and help your friend.
    Don't answer any more phone calls from him, that might mean screening calls/unknown numbers for a while and letting them all go to the answering machine. That way he is forced to leave a message and you have hard evidence against him. Also, see about filing a restraining order against him.
    I was helping a friend in this situation and I was worried that her ex would retaliate against me so while helping her I had a restraining order against him as well, especially since she stayed with me for a while.
    You both are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Answer by Gnomeofmyheart at 9:53 AM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • I would keep helping your friend because it sounds like she needs ALL the help she can get! You're a GREAT friend for helping her! I say write down EVERYTHING that's said and done when he calls and talks to you and think about getting a tape recorder as well ( make SURE you check your state laws to make SURE that you tape them WITHOUT their knowledge) Especially if the cops and such have him on a watch list, then they'll be more than likely to believe that he's harassing you! I'm so sorry that you and your friend have to deal with a crazy jerk off like that! I wish you guys the best of luck.

    Answer by Bird16_J at 9:53 AM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • She told him. I was in an abusive relationship and lying is par for course. She probably thinks she still loves him and wants to work things out without more abuse. Maybe she told him your idea and he got pissed at you about it, not her directly and decided to confront you for giving her ideas. Even if he didnt threaten you, you know he is abusive and it scared you. I would call the police and ask them what you can do because you know he is abusive and has been calling and scaring you. Your friend might not be able to do anything, or want to do anything, but that doesnt mean you cant report the abuse and tell the police whats going on. That way if things get ugly (and they might) the police know who they are dealing with.

    Answer by gemgem at 10:01 AM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • Hi. First off I want to commend you on being such a caring friend to this gal. A lot of people dont want to get involved in dv situations and they would rather ignore whats going on then try to help out. WIth that being said, you need to remember this is an abuser. This is an abusers MO. The most dangerous time for a woman to be around an abuser is in the getting out part. He is loosing control of her and it is getting him desperate. That also explains how he is buying roses one minute and then tapping the phone line the next. Anyone and anything that gets between him and his power and control is a threat. You have become that threat to him. Look up domestic violence in your city, and look for a dv center. At the center they have trained advocates who will work with her and help her to create an exit plan. Sometimes it truly is better to walk away from a dv situation then to risk something much worse. Good luck

    Answer by beyondhopes at 10:10 AM on Jan. 29, 2011

    the most dangerous time for a woman who is in a realtioship that is abusive is when she gets strong enough to leave
    the abuser is losing his control and will try everything that comes to his mind to try to gain control again

    very dangerous time!!
    she needs to speak to a professional that works with abuse
    she MAY need to seek a shelter

    this is a dnager to you also

    good you called police, this woman living with her brother-hope brother knows everything and needs to be aware of the extreme danger of this situation
    the going from roses one minute to scary anger the next is him trying ANYTHING to gain his control back

    anything could happen with this man, most likely he will do something over the top=hopefully the police will get him when he does the over the top thing and no one gets hurt

    do not blow off ANY odd actions, take extreme caution please

    Answer by fiatpax at 10:26 AM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • Personally I would call the police and tell them and ask their never know what a weirdo like that is going to do. I agree with the ladies that said to let all your calls go to voice mail as well. You want records of this guy just in case. Be careful!

    Answer by bookmommy at 10:31 AM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • She needs a protective order and you need a peace order. These are legal papers that will protect you from him. Of course I am sure each state is different with the terminology but the difference is, she was in a relationship with him and you were not. You can still get something legal tho. This way, you can call the police if he breaks the orders. I lived in a domestic violence situation for years. Statistically speaking, women in abusive situations will leave a minimum of 5 times and as many as 9 times before they leave for good. I have some really good contacts from what I have been thru, I don't know what state you are in, but feel free to email me if you want some info. Good luck and be safe!

    Answer by parajumper3 at 10:40 AM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • I agree with parajumper! She also needs to get a different phone and number. She needs to call that domestic violence hotline to get help moving and she needs to STOP meeting him and talking to him. An attorney for her is a great idea and that way ALL communication goes through the attorney. She should file a restraining order against him and make sure the kids have a safe place to go after school. This is a mentally unstable man and who knows what he is capable of doing or will do, especially to the kids out of revenge to your friend. Protect yourself but still be there for your friend, she needs you.

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 11:23 AM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • Cell phone conversations are not confidential and/or private. There are all sorts of ways people can listen in without actually tapping them. Just don't say anything important on the phone. My friends all left me when I decided to leave my abusive x. He was nuts too. If anyone tried to be friends with me and help he'd throw bricks threw their house windows and take a bat to their car. I'm sure if the police are watching this guy will behave.

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:01 PM on Jan. 29, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.