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I need advice on whether I should get a divorce

I separated from my hubby 6 mths ago. We have been married for 22 yrs, have 2 boys, 8 and 11 yrs old. I work full time and go to law school at night. He works full time as well. Financially we are both fine so $$ is not an issue.

I left for many reasons: his indifference to me, particularly after the children were born; he was depressed because we moved from AL to TX four yrs ago and he left his family, his job, his friends, his life and really didn't want to move - it was my idea (I was slowly dying there!); we weren't intimate for almost 18 months; he hardly spoke to me at all.

When I moved out, I expected the kids to have a hard time dealing with it and hubby to basically say ok, its over. The exact opposite has happened - the kids are almost oblivious because their life hasn't changed much but hubby has now become a "new man". He is trying to court me now - dates, phone calls, sex, talking, counseling, etc. We have been to counseling now for 6 mths and it has helped tremendously because we know now that our issues have been and said things we should have said all along. Communication has improved a lot.

However, I just don't think I love him anymore. He is a good man, a good provider, loves his kids, apparently loves me but I feel nothing for him. I read somewhere that you know its over when you can envision him 5 yrs from now remarried with a new family and not only have no bad feelings but wish him well. I feel that way about him. I kinda wish he would get a girlfriend to take the pressure off of me. I know this is weird and many other women probably think I'm nuts and should take him back but I feel like if I do, our old patterns will return and that "slow death" feeling will take hold again and never leave.

I don't have a boyfriend, I'm not looking for another man, I'm financially secure as is he, our kids are well-adjusted (according to us and the counselor). I do have some nagging religious beliefs going round in my head but I truly don't know what to do. I just feel like most of the time I need to be free of this because it has consumed so much of my mental energy for the past 8 yrs.

Any advice would be appreciated!

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RJPLAW42

Asked by RJPLAW42 at 7:16 PM on Jan. 29, 2011 in Relationships

Level 4 (46 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • if you don't love him, then I thnk that's your answer..in my opinion, children are not a reason to stay with someone...you need to be happy and that doesn't necessarily mean having another man in your life...you don't NEED a man in your life...it sounds like you sure have your head on straight and your act together...

    you happiness is what;s truly important. and if you don't have that anymore, then time to move on....

    as far as the religious beliefs...say a prayer, you'll see what to do :)
    calliesmommie

    Answer by calliesmommie at 7:19 PM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • I think that at this point, you have to make the best decision for you. It sounds like your kids will be fine either way, and you've made the effort to try to work it out. I always hate to see a marriage end, and I don't think anyone should walk away without trying if they have children, but it sounds like you've made an honest effort. You're not leaving for another man, your leaving because you're simply don't love him anymore.

    No one can make this decision for your, but I think you've done the responsible things, and can make a fair decision. Good Luck.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 7:21 PM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • Well I hope no one on here would tell you to get a divorce, because that isnt anyones place. Not even your family. However, I can say that if your not in love...its time for you to really think about what you want. If your not in love anymore it can take a toll hard on your life as the months go by. You cant stay in a relationship for your kids, it doenst work that way. I have a friend going through the same thing. All I can do is give her advice, and tell her over and over again that her happiness has to come first for her to love anyone else. If you have tried to get marriage counseling and it still hasnt worked, then maybe it is over. Over with you anyways. After you think long and hard about what you want...you need to have a serious talk with him. Moving on will not be easy, but you have to be happy to make a happy marriage. You only live one life, and even if being happy is being alone...then so be it.

    bellamommyof4

    Answer by bellamommyof4 at 7:22 PM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • I think its time for you to be happy. if you get back with him it will only be to please him but what about you? if you are no longer in love with him then there is your answer. i know how it is to be with someone that you no longer have that thing for. its really hard to k.eep faking it and if he notices it will just make things worse. maybe you are better off as friends? try telling him how you really feel. maybe he will understand and if he really loves you then he should let you go. whatever you decide i wish you the best of luck. you seem like a strong women and no matter what I'm sure you will be fine.

    Christieluv0614

    Answer by Christieluv0614 at 7:24 PM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • If you are no longer in love with him and you odnt want to be with him to see if sparks come back. Then I think you owe it to both of you to get a divorce.
    LizzieAnnesMom

    Answer by LizzieAnnesMom at 7:26 PM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • If you are are happy away from him. Do not go back to him.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 7:33 PM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • My hubby knows how I feel as I have been completely honest with him - during couseling and outside of counseling. He asked me not to file for divorce until Jan of this year (I left last July). Now January is here and I still feel the same. I just wanted to get opinions from others that it is ok to leave if you just don't love someone anymore. Is that such a selfish thing to want - to be in love with someone?

    I know he will be upset if/when I go through with this but I know he'll be ok. He said initially the separation was very hard for him but I noticed after about 2-3 months he started adjusting and getting "his own life" as I was doing. We have been totally honest with the kids too so they know us divorcing is a possibility.

    Thanks for all your advice. In my heart, I feel divorce is the right thing. Ultimately, we both deserve to be with someone who loves us and whom we love as well.
    RJPLAW42

    Comment by RJPLAW42 (original poster) at 7:33 PM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • In my opinion, if you are asking should you get a divorce, then really you already know the answer. If you don't love him, why stay? You are only hurting yourself, him and the kids int he process. But that's just my opinion.
    simplyme01

    Answer by simplyme01 at 8:24 PM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • Love could always return. Maybe resentment or pain you have felt has result in you not loving him. IF your pushing yourself or made up your mind that your done of course you wont hav those feelings towards your husband.

    Just decided and don't drag it on your playing with his heart cuase he still loves you
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:57 PM on Jan. 29, 2011

  • I am a firm believe in marriages staying together. Love is a choice! I would pray that God would return that special love that you once had for your husband when you first started dating. He is your children's father. He will be the grandfather to your grandchildren someday. Don't have any regrets by not recapturing what you once had. Have you sought counseling together, or even yourself, alone? It is not God's will for any family to be broken up. I would not offer this advice if I didn't believe it from the bottom of my heart!

    Only you can make this decision. Best wishes.
    etexmom

    Answer by etexmom at 10:08 PM on Jan. 29, 2011

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