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2 Bumps

i am a mother in tears i just need some kind words

My childrens father and I have been together for almost 4 years. Last year he was barely in their life at all due to his alcohol and substance abuse and he was abusive.
Recently in the past 6 months we've made some headway, however our oldest daughter whom is 2 started out with a croupy cough yesterday and by nightfall, she was conested and had fever. I have always been the one who has taken care of our daughter. I have been to the er on several occasions for colds and know how to take care of a fever. I also did some nose drops last night and vicks rub. He wanted me to take her to the hospital, but her fever was at 100.7 it has not reached 102 or above. Our son is also slightly ill and he's 10 months. I was up with her in the night last night and she would wake up cause she couldn't breath out of her nose, which he sais she was weezing..and she was not.
so today, she was resiliant most of the day. I monitored her and our son both. I gave them tylenol and switched off with motrin and so on.

Tonight, he was ordering me around telling me what to do, telling me to do what i was already doing. He is 12 years older than I and thinks that he knows so much more than I do and he was treating me that way.
I told him that he was treating me like shit and he had the audacity to tell me that I'm not doing my motherly duties and should have taken our daughter to the hospital last night.
He didn't get up with her last night. He hasn't been much of a dad to any of his kids. He has a 16 year old that he hasn't taken care of in his own custody since she was 6.
We were at my parents house and he decided to take her to the hospital. I was trying not to cause a scene. He was making me feel horrible. That's the old him..controlling and verbally abusive. He was treating me like I was stupid and ordering me around and it's so humiliating and it made me feel soo horrible. I'm in tears because I'm so angry, how dare he say that I'm not doing my motherly duties

 and furthermore, when he was leaving he was telling me "YOu take care of MY son" I was like I am. He was like you better check his temperture every hour. My son has not had a temp that's even reached 101. He doesn't seem to be nearly as sick as his sister, I just feel trapped with their dad. I thought maybe we could all be a family again, but he hasn't changed. He might not be doing drugs, but he still drinks here and there and he's still controlling at times. I feel trapped though because he's not the type to just go away. He is the type that would probably stalk us.

 I wish he would just disapear out of our lives for good, but how? I dont want him to raise our kids, I dont want to do joint custody. I just feel so trapped. I dont know what to do. A part of me loves him, but when I kiss him..I dont feel passion. I feel resentment towards him for all the hurt he's caused in the past and I just want as far away from him as me and the kids can get. I know he'd fight for custody as well. I have no criminal record, but I dont make a lot of money. He has a laundry list of convictions and is an ex felon. Do you think the courts would even consider doing joint custody with him? Then i feel like he'd stalk us, like if i dropped the kids off at their grandparents. Restraining orders do no good...I'm so upset right now.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:05 PM on Jan. 30, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (15)
  • Can you stay with your family? If so do that. If not, go to a shelter. They will help. Please don't show your children this is normal by staying. If he was changing I'd say it's up to you to stick it out. But this guy is a huge loser and believe it or not, eventually these guys do go away. Being an addict, an abusive one at that, won't go over well in court. Get out while you still can.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:17 PM on Jan. 30, 2011

  • Oh boy. I'm sorry you're in this situation and with sick kids, it makes it so much worse. Sounds to me like you've done everything RIGHT. I'm not sure why he's bitching at you so much. He should get up tonight and monitor the kids and then take some verbal abuse to see how it sits with him. You know you have a problem so the question is, what do you plan to do about it? I can't believe he has custody of his other kid with a drug/alcoholic record. You would certainly get the kids in any divorce. Anyway, just cause he's older doesn't mean your not a great parent. Just get through the next couple of days and address this with him, it can't happen again. Also, demand to know exactly what the doctors said about your kid and what you "missed" in taking care of her. My guess, is you didn't miss much. Anyway, I'm very sorry and hang in there for now. If you can lean on your parents, might be a good idea.
    jeanclaudia

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 11:19 PM on Jan. 30, 2011

  • I am staying with my family already. I have been for a year now, but he came back into our lives. He started out homeless and going to church and was doing really well with his drinking. He got a job and a place to stay and we've slowly been putting the peices together...but here and there he's having these slip ups and tonight was just a reminder. We were at my parents house when he was telling me what to do. Noone heard the other stuff.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:20 PM on Jan. 30, 2011

  • YOu did everything a great mother would do when their little one is sick. My little one has the exact same symptoms right now. His 103 fever broke earlier today so we didnt go to ER. He's going to his Dr in the morning. Just know you man is probably scared because he DOESN'T know how to help a normal sick young kid. The ER Doc will put him at ease. Hopefully he will be home in a calmer mood. GL. my thoughts are with you.
    babyboyzz

    Answer by babyboyzz at 11:20 PM on Jan. 30, 2011

  • He pushes you around because it gives him an ego boost is my best guess. Is someone pushing him around? What did your parents think of his behavior?

    It sounds like you are not in a very safe or stable environment. If he will stalk you, he might hurt you so play your cards smart. Can you contact a woman's shelter who might help you separate yourself from him, and meanwhile be able to offer some protection? It does sound like you might be a little trapped and I don't think you can just walk away from this person on your own.

    Don't let his foolish talk get to you. You know you are doing the right thing and taking care of the babies, he is trying to brainwash you by telling you it is all him. He wants to do little work and take all the credit. Be strong inside and ignore his nasty words. Take care of your children and plan a way out.

    Is there anyway that you can gather a small savings and keep it safe in a secret account?
    spottedpony

    Answer by spottedpony at 11:21 PM on Jan. 30, 2011

  • I've talked to him so many times about things like this. The past days before this I was bitchy to him and resentful because we cant find a house that we can afford and i through it up that we could have had a decent house but he was busy blowing his money on dope and booze and living the good life while I was miserable, in hell breaking my back to take care of our children, which is the truth and there's a lot of resentment i'm not yet past...and tonight doesn't help. I think I've realized that he never going to completly change and be right for the kids and he's right for me
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:25 PM on Jan. 30, 2011

  • Well good, you are in a relatively safe place then. I would still contact the shelter and see what you can do to safely get him removed from your lives, since he is clearly a threat.

    And in the meantime, document everything...and I mean EVERYTHING. Write down every name he calls you, and everything he says to you that is harsh with a date and a time. Document that he wouldn't let you take her to the hospital last night, etc. And write down whenever there was a witness, and who that person was.

    It doesn't sound like you are safe so be careful.
    spottedpony

    Answer by spottedpony at 11:26 PM on Jan. 30, 2011

  • another reason this hurts is because he was abusive to me for so long. He would always mistreat me and tell me things like I was a horrible mother when he drunk. I'd be in the middle of a feeding or diaper changing and he'd do this just to hurt me. When i was pregnant with our first child he'd always tell me you're too weak to be a mother. i'm going to take the baby from you after she's born.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:29 PM on Jan. 30, 2011

  • ok and the er told him her temp is only 99, so obviously the tylenols working, but he's home now so i have to go
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:30 PM on Jan. 30, 2011

  • hugsThere are some awesome domestic violence groups here in cm, I really think you should consider joining one. There are ladies in these groups that have gone through what you are going through and got out or others who are still in and finding the support and encouragment to leave. Hugs to you hon

    beyondhopes

    Answer by beyondhopes at 11:32 PM on Jan. 30, 2011

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