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5 Bumps

why am i still here? long vent adult content

my husband begins anger management and ptsd treatment on february 24th. but in the meantime i feel like im going crazy trying to keep the peace at home! its a daily thing of walking on eggshells, keeping the kids quiet (cause his anger seems to stem most from our 3 young daughters), being submissive to him so he won't fly off the handle. seriously, it's a job in itself.

yesterday, he called our 2 year old daughter a "fucking bitch" because she fell out of a chair and walked away without picking it up (it was one of those little toddler chairs) i thought to myself "REALLY?" what kind of father does that to his own child let alone a 2 year old child! then at dinner, he antagonized her for not eating but she's terrified of him and so is our 1 year old baby. i honestly don't know when things got this bad, it started off slowly and now has seemed to spiral out of control. everytime he lashes out at one of them, i tell him he needs to go stay with his mom til he gets better, then he apologizes and swears he'll do better with the kids. and a day or two later we're back to square one. i'm just not strong enough to actually enforce it, but i know i should be because this environment is not healthy for our little ones.

i never wanted to be married and divorced after only 2 years of marriage and at 24 years old. but at this point im at my wit's end, i have nothing else to give and i can't keep living like this. i can't keep allowing my daughters to be tormented by him, even though i know deep down he can't control his feelings. i wish he would take my advice and just go into another room when he gets angry. instead he lashes out! at the same time, i'm stuck here because i've been a sahm for over 2 years and there's no way i can find a decent job to support 3 children under 5 years old. i would have to go back to my mom's house and what a disappointment that would be for my parents. they do know the situation though. they're really the only ones i can talk to about it. his mom knows too but she is on his side even though her husband (my husband's dad) was the same way and she left him.

it starts in the morning, when i have to get my 4 year old ready for school but also serve breakfast for 3 hungry children, change the little one's diapers, pack lunch for my oldest, help her get ready, and of course i'm only one person so somebody gets agitated that i haven't "gotten to them" yet and starts crying. he yells from the bedroom "shut up!" instead of actually getting off his ass to help me. i already get up an hour early and try every morning to be efficient enough so everyone's happy but like i said im only one person.

he has never hit any of them. but what he is doing is surely emotional abuse. i keep telling myself when he begins treatment things will get better. it has to.. they're professionals and they know how to dig deep. but this daily torment in the meantime.. is making me lose it. i want to take my children and leave, i just dont know how.

 
tnm786

Asked by tnm786 at 8:37 AM on Jan. 31, 2011 in Relationships

Level 43 (159,608 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (19)
  • In all honesty, don't expect a miracle out of the treatment. They may be able to give him medication and stuff, but the only person who can change him is him. So, for it to work, he has to be WILLING to let it work. And it may (more then likely will) take time. He won't go in the first day and be "cured." It will be an on-going process with probably alot of medication changes. I hate to say it, but it may end up getting worse before it gets better. And, I am not saying all this to be mean or upset you. I am just trying to be real and give you a good idea of how it works. My husband and I have been married for 8 and a half years and it has been a constant battle with his medications. And in all honesty, he hasn't been to the doctor for that in over a year. So, I am at my wits end as well, and trying to figure out my options and what my next move is/will be.
    -Ashley
    spiritguide_23

    Answer by spiritguide_23 at 8:51 AM on Jan. 31, 2011

  • Yuck. What a hard situation you are stuck in. Mental abuse can be just as bad if not worse then physical abuse. Starting TODAY you need to tell him he needs to move out temporarily. No more second, third, fourth, fifth chances. That or YOU need to leave. As the mother of those precious kids you needs to protect them. I will tell you a brief story because I think you need to hear it. I know a story of a lady who was 25, a great mom to 2 little girls, but her husband mentally abused her and her children. She tried to get him help, and lived with it for years. 5 years into the abuse this woman lost her children for failure to protect them and they were damaged children. It ruined her life. Think about your kids and what is best for them TODAY. Something needs to change before it's to late.
    sweetiepie8540

    Answer by sweetiepie8540 at 9:03 AM on Jan. 31, 2011

  • I hear ya girl. Hang in there. In the mean time, please be more firm with him. Make sure he knows his behavior is unacceptable and he needs to go to his mom's house, quick and until he gets wayy better.
    keisha613

    Answer by keisha613 at 8:43 AM on Jan. 31, 2011

  • oh my hugs to you! you need to put your children first, they can't be in that kind of environment or they are going to grow up thinking its okay for men to treat them that way..and it sounds like you don't want that for them. i know its hard to get up and leave but maybe it will be a huge reality check for him and he'll snap out of it. Plus another 24 days of this sounds like torture to me! i would get out and get out fast. but i know its easier said then done, just think about your kids you don't want them to think this kind of behavior is okay. Stay strong and hang in there, your doing whats best for your kids remember those little faces when you think you can't :) GL mama
    dmdemes

    Answer by dmdemes at 8:46 AM on Jan. 31, 2011

  • In any case it gets worse before it gets better and you need to realize they are children and living like that is hard I actually got hit and they now know the feeling of walking egg shells. Have you considered also getting therapy for them and have you considered having him move out while the therapy takes place so you and your girls can have time to heal as well you need it to? GL Momma

    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 8:48 AM on Jan. 31, 2011

  • Hon.. Wat u r going thru is emotional tourment & is very very unhealthy 4 u & ur girls.. Do u want them to get older & feel as though this type of behavoir is exceptable for a man & hav this cycle repeated?? & even though he hasnt been violent yet.. Sounds like he very well could.. & also emotional & mentally abuse r scars that r very hard to heal.. Ur girls could end up in thearpy themselves.. Honey take ur kids & get the hell up out of there.. If therapy works than mayb u can rekindle ur relationship. & talkn about ur parents being disappointed in u for a failed marriage??? Exuse my french.. But damn wat they thnk.. The health & safety of ur kids r waaaayyy more important than that. My heart goes out to u sweetie... I hope the best 4u :)
    tiamesmer

    Answer by tiamesmer at 8:56 AM on Jan. 31, 2011

  • If you are under this much pressure and the kids are terrified of him, he needs to leave. He starts treatment in less than a month, but you don't need to live in fear until then. He needs to see how bad things really are - him not being able to see you and the kids - for the treatment to really work. Have him go to his parents or a cheap apartment nearby.

    Hang in there. If you make him leave, you will be able to relax a bit. You will still be doing everything but the pressure for not being perfect, etc will be less, if not gone. Your girls are too young and impressionable to have them live this way. He seriously needs to go. Do you want them to see you staying with him and then choose partners just like dad?
    balagan_imma

    Answer by balagan_imma at 8:57 AM on Jan. 31, 2011

  • i agree with the PP! as hard as it is you need to make a change for those kids
    dmdemes

    Answer by dmdemes at 9:05 AM on Jan. 31, 2011

  • (((hugs)))
    I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm not going to try to offer any advice because I feel strange doing so with such limited information and background on the situation, but I just wanted to show some support. The one bit of 'wisdom' (or not) I will put out there is that you MUST protect your children. Yes, it is verbal and emotional abuse and it absolutely will affect who they are if it continues.
    vicesix

    Answer by vicesix at 9:15 AM on Jan. 31, 2011

  • If you truly love your daughters and are concerned with their safety and well being and not with the stigma of being married, divorced and a mom to three kids when you are only 24, then get the hell out of there. You are young enough to start over and provide a happy life for you and your girls. There are resources out there avalible to help you. Put your girls first. Don't cater to the poor excuse for a "man" that you married. Stop making excuses and bending over backwards for some man. Seriously, do you think it is normal for a 1 and a 2 year old to be terrified of their own father.... get help and get out.
    bcauseimthemom

    Answer by bcauseimthemom at 9:19 AM on Jan. 31, 2011

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