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Loyalty to our parents goes without say or does it?

My mil has been living with us for 6 months. She has been miserable the entire time she has been here. She hates everything! She makes our dd cry just because she thinks she is doing something wrong to make her grandma unhappy! Needless to say me and dh have gone the rounds a time or two about his mother! The latest reason he has given me for allowing her to remain here for so long is this...she took care of me and did so much for me I just owe her to take care of her. Well, this is completely a different tune he is singing now! She only worked when she wanted something for herself. My dh went to work really young, he gave his money to pitch in for the household needs. He even worked to help pay for his younger brothers college education. He bought his mothers clothes, he even bought the diamond ring she wore as her wedding ring. Which she has since lost, I think pawned! They lived in a tiny shack in a gang infested area. They would get woke up by the police letting them know a murder had taken place in their backyard. This was still the case until he moved out at 27 yrs. old when we got married. Maybe I am just being crabby but really, a parents responsibility is to take care of the kids not put them to work as soon as they can! I think my dh is enabling her and her entitled attitude! Especially now that he wants to buy her a place to live! I do not mind helping others when they are willing to put forth the effort to help themselves.

I seriously can not wait for this chapter to be over? When the day comes that mil is on a plane back to Cali I am throwing a PARTY!


Asked by Noosa at 6:26 PM on Jan. 31, 2011 in Relationships

Level 20 (8,483 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (4)
  • I think all your husband knows is to take care of her.
    My sister and BIL are in a similar situation. When My sister and BIL moved back to Arizona (He moved up her intitially to be with her, but since work was more plentiful down there they moved) they moved in with his parents. Two obese people who have work at home jobs (Telemarketing and Medical Claims Billing (I believe) and only the husband takes care of some of the household duties. They only pay bills when it's convenient for them, leaving a majority of the responsibility of their son. They basically mooch off of them and live in filth due to being completely lazy people. My BIL works his ass off to support the family and for some reason feels obligated to support his parents. Even though they've NEVER been good parents. Nobody understands, not even his siblings, why he feels soo obligated to them.

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 8:38 PM on Jan. 31, 2011

  • Your husband IS enabling his mother and she won't change until he stops. If she is capable of working and paying for rent and such, then she needs to get a job and contribute. It is not our responsibility to support our parents if they are capable of doing for themselves. If they are sick or hurt then that is a different story. Helping to care for our parents doesn't mean putting our marriages in jeopardy or making our own children scared and emotionally harmed. It's time to talk to BOTH of them about what is expected of her if she wants to contiune to live with you, otherwise she can go to her other sons house or in an apartment of her won.

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 6:31 PM on Jan. 31, 2011

  • When he married you his allegiances should have changed. I am all for helping someone in need but he is a mama's boy and will end up ruining his marriage in order to please her.

    Answer by TaraK. at 6:51 PM on Jan. 31, 2011

  • (Continue) My BIL and sister are right now saving to buy a house in which his parents would be living in as well. After the past three (almost four) years of them neglecting to pay their share of bills, not picking up after themselves (except on rare occassion) and being completely lazy my Sister cannot fathom why he won't let them go. Nobody can.

    My suggestion is, though I know this is coming from someone outside of the situation, is to help your DH see the real parent he's supporting. To help him see that he has NO obligation to her even if she did take care of him like any parent would. That was HER choice to concieve him and raise him, not his, so he isn't under any obligation to return the favor. Especially if she is a bitter women who refuses to support herself. It's a choice to care for a parent, not an obligation.

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 8:41 PM on Jan. 31, 2011