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I've noticed a cycle...

It seems like my DH goes through this cycle. I just realized it. He will start to get aggitated with me and then turn on me. Like literally one day he will be caring (he does everything for me and is attentive and thoughtful) and the next minute he turns into a man who hates me and wants nothing to do with me. He says the meanest things and we fight every night. He can be very cruel to me. Then when I am about to lose it and pack up to leave (and I feel like I want to die), he switches gears and returns to his thoughtfful caring self. Right now he's being thoughtful/caring. Usually I am so happy to have him "back" that I forget about the bad times. This time I feel haunted by our recent week long fighting. I can't get his nasty words out of my head. He apologized but I guess I just don't trust him at all. I don't feel hopeful like I have in the past. I just am more quiet and he keeps asking me if I am okay and the very LAST thing I want to do is tell him. He has a way of ripping me apart and making me feel worthless when I share my feelings with him at times. I have nightmares every night of him hurting me. Like nightmares of him stabbing me and degrading me. I honestly don't trust him, that he will be there for me. So is this normal? Is it a normal cycle and I am being too sensitive or are other relationships more consistant? What is the deal with my nightmares?


Asked by Anonymous at 8:05 AM on Feb. 1, 2011 in Relationships

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Answers (10)
  • I would say this is definitely not very normal, it seems like he has two personalities, this kind of relationship usually escalates into something more than spurs of meanness, suggest counseling.


    Answer by older at 8:15 AM on Feb. 1, 2011

  • This is not normal. He is controlling you by being nice to get you to stay. If you have friends or family that you can depend on I would urge you to get out of this manipulating, controlling, relationship. Be good to yourself and think of your safety. You, and any children, deserve better than this. hug

    Answer by elizabr at 8:11 AM on Feb. 1, 2011

  • Not normal at all. Like the PP said, he is nice to you because he doesn't want you to leave. He is manipulating you into staying. Sounds like abuse and your nightmares are telling you that deep down, you feel that he could become physically abusive at any moment. You need to leave, this could get really bad if you don't.

    Answer by shanlaree at 8:13 AM on Feb. 1, 2011

  • Your relationship sounds toxic.

    Answer by MKSers at 8:13 AM on Feb. 1, 2011

  • Sounds like an abusive relationship, get help for both of you or leave because it won't get any better.


    Answer by how_reb at 8:13 AM on Feb. 1, 2011

  • Men do have cycles, but this is not normal, this is abuse

    Answer by JLS2388 at 8:14 AM on Feb. 1, 2011

  • Not normal, It is toxic. He has some major problems going on. And worse yet, if this is daily or almost every other day, that is no way to live. I lived like this for 3 years with my first husband and it was also physical. And it did get worse. Our last fight involved shoving one another down 2 flights of stairs. He later told me after our divorce was in progress, he probably would have broken my arm or put me in the hospital the next time we fought. You need to get out. Research co-dependency. I was a huge factor in this relationships problems due to my co-dependant behavior. There are lots of great books out there for co-dependency. I believe the one I recognized most with was Co-Denpendant No More. Yes, you need to leave. The first few months will be hard, but after a year it will be wonderful. You will be happy again. And may i add, find out who YOU are without a man before you allow anyone else in your heart. Good luck.

    Answer by 2BlondeBabies at 8:20 AM on Feb. 1, 2011

  • It's not normal at all for your spouse to tear you down. Have you talked to him about it? It's emotional abuse, plain and simple.

    Answer by Scuba at 8:50 AM on Feb. 1, 2011

  • Arguments are normal, this though?? Goes way beyond and is not normal. Your post seriously makes me want to cry- I feel terrible for you, and I've been there. This is flat out Psychological and Emotional abuse and it IS very much a cycle. Sorry to say, but it will probably only get worse unless you take precaution now- by exposing the problem and him getting help. People think physical abuse is the worst kind- and speaking as someone who has experienced every type of abuse, I'd take physical over psychological any day. Cycles only continue until they are broken- and they generally get worse. I've done a plethora of research on this, but you can google it too if you don't believe me. I wish you luck and if you have any ques or need to vent, you can msg me. He should not have that much control over your emotions, its unhealthy in every aspect.

    Answer by lexi8622 at 11:47 AM on Feb. 1, 2011

  • Could he possibly be cheating? I have known ppl who have cheated, felt guilty, treated their spouse very poorly due to their own guilt, then felt horrible about their treatment to their spouse and started being overly sweet to overcome their own guilty feelings. It would be a cyclical thing. It may not be, but the symptoms are similar.

    Whatever the cause, I do hope you two receive help soon. There's a world of happiness out there for you both if you can learn to communicate effectively and he gets his behavior on a more even keel.

    Answer by etexmom at 12:29 AM on Feb. 2, 2011

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