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Tough love with adult child

I know I am doing the right time, however, I need reassurance. Our son is 25 1/2 and has lived with us, he is rude, disrepectful and hibernated in his room. Did not come out when we had company and hates his two sisters. He is paranoid about everyone talking about him, and knows it all. Yes, I am sure that drugs have something to do with this. I know that I have enabled him to live like this for years. I convinced my husband lets show him love and maybe that will change him. No that did not work. He is 2 classes shy of a 2 year degree. He blames everyone for everything. It has been like walking on eggshells in our house for a long time. Our 21 yr old daughter came back from college to attend a local program and he even ignored her presence in the house or was rude. Well we told him in dec that he had a choice to get therapy or move out, of course he played the game of "forgetting" appointments etc. So the week before he was to be gone, i would ask him what bed are you taking? My husband (his dad) asked him the same question... where he asked are you really kicking me out? We have never held on guns on anything when it came to him. That morning of the planned departure he left. He has been living in his car ( I only know this because he works for me in a family business). He has plenty of money but he is so cheap he doesnt want a girlfriend or get out because he hoards his money. I have tested him 2x ( he doesn't speak to any of us) and told him we love him and we will pay for therapy. How long can he live in his car? We don't want him back in our house to live, and don't plan on bending at all. It is time for him to grow up. I needed to vent. Yes, he is probably depressed, but we can't help someone that doesn't want help. I just needed to let it out and then to hear what anyone thinks. I went to a therapist and after gushing out my story I asked her what should I do, and her response was basically I am hear to listen and help you fins out what to do I don't tell you what to do. Well, I could talk to my friends or husband and pay nothing and get more answers. I told my husband that our son may never mature and learn respect, how sad wll that be?

Answer Question
 
lovelife1127

Asked by lovelife1127 at 8:33 PM on Feb. 1, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 5 (73 Credits)
Answers (17)
  • It would be really sad but i think your taking all the right steps like you said you cant help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.

    ExtremlyUnique

    Answer by ExtremlyUnique at 8:37 PM on Feb. 1, 2011

  • I have been going through the same thin escept its my brother that is 24. I had to make him leave. he is very disrespectfull and dont care about anything or anyone. he doesnt want to help himself. He wants to mouch off everyone. It is a never ending story. but I just had to make hime leave and let him make his own decisions and figure out where he is going to live on his own. He is now living with my brother and so far things are going good. but im sure it wont last long.
    extremecheer

    Answer by extremecheer at 8:41 PM on Feb. 1, 2011

  • If he overdoses or is killed, how will you feel about your actions? This is a real possibility.
    tootoobusy

    Answer by tootoobusy at 8:42 PM on Feb. 1, 2011

  • Was he always like this? I am sorry but I can't help but think what he was like growing up as a child, did you instill in him all those values you want him to have? did you instill the importance of family?
    older

    Answer by older at 8:43 PM on Feb. 1, 2011

  • Depression and drug addiction are diseases.
    tootoobusy

    Answer by tootoobusy at 8:44 PM on Feb. 1, 2011

  • I am sorry but this tough love crap I don't believe in, if you were worried about him because you thought he needed therapy and instead you kick him out and is sleeping in his car, how is this helping him?
    older

    Answer by older at 8:47 PM on Feb. 1, 2011

  • No, I get what your doing, and its one of the most difficult things a parent has to go through. How bout an intervention? Maybe he needs a detox program. Its going to take more then just your family to get him to where he needs to be, I would look into drug intervention counseling and talk to someone. You need to reach out for help here, b/c you have done all you can do and things need to change. Good luck momma
    beyondhopes

    Answer by beyondhopes at 8:52 PM on Feb. 1, 2011

  • I had to do this with my brother. He is 24 now and since he was 17, he was on heroin and overdosed a few times. When he was addicted to drugs, he learned to steal to support his habit. When he became clean, he kept the habit of stealing to get things he needed rather than working hard. He would use anyone and everyone for whatever he could get from them. When he had no where else to live because he burned all the bridges, he would sleep in a car in a bad end of town until one of the bridges was re built enough to live somewhere. This cycle went on and on and on until this past summer. He FINALLY, I THINK met a good girl who turned him around. Seems to be doing well now. I think tough love is what has to be done to make him realize that he cant be dependent forever. I think forcing him to be independent with eventually pull through.
    huntin_mama

    Answer by huntin_mama at 9:15 PM on Feb. 1, 2011

  • I think you are doing the right thing. You have to try to take the steps to make him want to change his life, and if he is living comfortably in your home then he doesn't have much incentive to do that. Yes, something bad could happen to him, but something bad could happen to him living in your home, too. The point is that you have said enough is enough. I think you keep reminding him that you love him and that your offer of therapy still stands. I also loved the idea of trying an intervention. He is old enough to be on his own and he has to understand that you can love him without being complicit in his downward spiral by letting him carry it out under your own roof. Lots of hugs to you because as a mother this must be devastating and one of the hardest things you have ever had to do.
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 9:20 PM on Feb. 1, 2011

  • I know it is difficult to turn out your child but you have to have your own home safe for yourself. You deserve to be treated with respect in your home. Stay strong.
    tortkey

    Answer by tortkey at 10:06 PM on Feb. 1, 2011

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