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2 Bumps

What can I tell her?

My one BFF has been having a hard time as a single parent, so she lives with me and my 2 kids. No problem, house is big enough. Her older sister has always tried to meddle in her life regarding her daughter whom is 5 and cause my friend has not worked in a while ( trying to get disability cause of back issues she found out about, not work related) her sister all on her own has bought her kid stuff since she was born. She and her hubby has asked if she needed anything or just said they would buy things for her from clothes, shoes being she was not working and cant afford to anymore.

Then her sister has her daughter at her house for the holiday last year. She comes back up with a friend of hers and her husbands, comes into my house to tell my friend we can come up here to help you clean, and get your carpets cleaned and give you something for the bathroom to organize things like a shelf then says she needed a dresser for her kids clothes. Which she could use, but does not really need cause they fit in the drawer, her daughter hates to put up clothes so they stay in the basket which she folds but her sister thinks she should have this and that. Buys her niece too much, and the kid acts ungrateful. not all the time just some. But she never met this friend of her sisters til they jut showed up.

Now my friends sister is all mad at her cause she told her to stop buying her kid so much cause she is becoming materialistic like she is, sure the daughter needed things but she went and bought too much for the holiday after saying she was only buying a few things. then she tells the sister she spent X amount and how if she gave a damn about her kid she would find a job regardless of her back pain and take care of her respsonsibility so she did not have to worry about her kid being she hasnt.

My friend has repeatedly told the sister to stop overloading the kid with stuff, cause she now expects it. She said she did not want their help and then the sister says her friend did not have to offer to clean our carpets, or offer a dresser up to them but thats what friends of friends do, so being my friend told her sister NO, she calls her a selfish ungrateful person whom needs to get her priorities straight cause friends help friends and help out when they can.

And when she calls she asks the niece 50 questions and then tells their father whom is way too old to worry about what his daughters have to say regarding the grandchild, she just wants to speak to the niece not her sister.

I don't know what to tell her. She wants to stay away from her for a while and keep the niece away from her Aunt too cause according to the sister, she needs to keep upthe healthy relationship they have together as aunt and niece and she wont buy the niece anything else other than upcoming birthday present maybe.

She has always meddled into her life and I stayed out of it but since she brought me into the mix telling me how I should keep my house with my kids and they will come help us clean it, who the heck is SHE????

And she is not a parent herself. I was mad. Kept my mouth shut and now my friend just wants to steer clear from her and not be in touch at all.

Sorry this is so long but I dont know what to say. I myself would tell her to not speak to her for a long time cause all she does is tell her how to discipline her child, what she should do and not do.....when she does not even ask the sister for advice, she just tells her off about things so they argue over it.

Any advice? Thanks very much.


Asked by Anonymous at 10:41 AM on Feb. 3, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • I would agree to let your friend handle this in her own way. When it comes to sisters there is a lifelong history there to consider and people outside of the family can't know all of the background that makes families interact the way they do. That being said, I think there are two sides to every story. Your friend may be feeling like her sister just buys all of this stuff and then tries to run the show. And your friend's sister may be feeling like the only time she is useful is when her niece needs clothes or shoes but that her concern or willingness to help is supposed to stop when she puts her wallet away. Neither one of them would be 100% right or wrong, just consider that you are looking at this from your friend's side only. Her sister may be a controlling woman who is trying to run the show, or she may be a generous sister who is really trying to help and has good intentions but sometimes gets carried away.

    Answer by MaryMW at 1:18 PM on Feb. 3, 2011

  • I would continue to stay out of it. This is her family, and anything you say or do is very likely going to be held against you at some point by somebody. Best to remain silent.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:49 AM on Feb. 3, 2011

  • Also just to say, her sister wants the shoes and a few DVD's back and the DVD player since it is not working and will get them when in town in a few weeks cause the niece said they did not fit, or work and they do.

    She had sent her an email which is where she claims she takes everything she says to her as a personal attack on her, but my friend never asks her for advice or what to do and just starts telling her. My friend was going to email her back and tell her she threw out the broken DVD player ( true ) and the DVD's play fine on mine and the computer and no need to come get them. She can't just pack them up cause her daughter might resent the Aunt for taking back things. I dont know.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:50 AM on Feb. 3, 2011

  • Thank you nannyb I have so far.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:51 AM on Feb. 3, 2011

  • they are family so i would stay out of it.

    Answer by AmaliaD at 10:52 AM on Feb. 3, 2011

  • your friend needs to make a decision of her own. if she doesnt want her sis to buy the girl stuff then she should say that and stick with that and part herself from this person she calls "sister", if you ask me...this sister has an obsession and it is not right, just because they have money, doesnt mean they should run to the niece and spend thier whole paycheck, they should be minding thier own business. If your friend doesnt want anything to do with her sis, well she cant say "dont buy her things but you could buy her one bday present." and "I dont need your advice but when all else fails i'll go running back to you." you can cut someone off and then go back on your word.

    Your friend should be trying to make a point is what i'm saying. When the sister "gets" that her niece is not her child to support, then include her in things such as buying one present in the future, but for now the obsession needs to come to an end

    Answer by americansugar80 at 11:04 AM on Feb. 3, 2011

  • Thats how I feel americansugar!
    She HAS told her to stop buying things, a shirt, jacket pair of shoes was Ok, but she spent over $200-300 at christmastime and that may be less that what she spent cause I saw the DVD's were $10 each and she bought 6 plus xbox games at $10 each? I mean come on. last she heard from her sister was she was only getting a pair of shoes, jeans, jacket and a few shirts and a board game.

    My friend never calls her sister for parenting advice cause she has no kids. The sister calls here and starts asking the kid how things are going and she tells a few stories and then she talks to the sister and tells the sister off and so she basically will believe the kid over the Mom! Mom has had a time with discipline but what parent doesnt and she never calls her to say,HELP ME. She assumes the Mom cant handle her daughter and they both need therapy! I feel bad for her and hope she makes the right choice.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:11 AM on Feb. 3, 2011

  • Tell her to be careful this could get ugly and she should watch her sister does her sister have any kids. The brazen warning comes from my friend. GL Momma

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 11:41 AM on Feb. 3, 2011

  • Very simple answer for a very complicated situation. I would suggest your friend say: "We appreciate what you have done for us, but that doesn't give you the right to force your opinion on us. You aren't the parent, I am. Unless you can be civil and respect my wishes, I am afraid that we cannot continue to have contact with you. Please do not call nor come over unless you can act the way that a responsible, caring person would."

    Answer by derosia_mama at 12:26 PM on Feb. 3, 2011

  • First, stop allowing the sister in your house. She had no right to say she'll clean your carpets at all! Anyway, as far as your friend is concerned, stay out of it. Its a sibling thing that should be handled betweent the two of them. Just keep her encouraged and offer your freindship...

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 12:35 PM on Feb. 3, 2011