Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

2 Bumps

Working/Student Moms: Does your husband get jealous??

I am the mother of a 2 1/2 year-old girl, a full-time college student, and a full-time office manager. My husband (IS the father of my daughter) is unemployed and has no interest in going to school. He is epileptic, so I am trying to get him on Disability Insurance to at least get him some income.

Every time a new semester starts at school or I get good news (like yesterday I found out I will graduate an Honors student) my husband gets defensive or angry or moody. he throws words around, turns everything around to look bad on me, tells me I'm a bad mother for being gone all the time, or just makes short, general diss-like remarks against me.

I honestly think he is doing this out of jealousy and anger. He doesn't work (but doesn't look for work) and wont go to school. He says he's "so bored" at home all the time and wants to get the baby watched so he has "Daddy time" but does nothing but stay home on the days she is watched and then complains to me that he's "so bored" and that I've got it "so good" because I don't do anything all day except go to work and school.

Am I in the wrong here or is he? I get the "bad mom" line from most of my family too, but I think there is a serious jealousy factor here. I just don't know what to do.

Answer Question
 
MommyHess

Asked by MommyHess at 7:28 PM on Feb. 3, 2011 in Relationships

Level 7 (175 Credits)
Answers (18)
  • keep doing what u are doing. i applaud you for trying to make a better life for your daughter. your man is very jealous and he seems to have low self esteem. the fact that you are working your butt off is really breaking his balls. you are a good mom, he is a bad father with no drive and ambition, who is verbally abusive too. he sounds like a loser imo. keep reaching for higher heights !
    gwen20

    Answer by gwen20 at 7:34 PM on Feb. 3, 2011

  • He's in the wrong.
    CraftingMama

    Answer by CraftingMama at 7:40 PM on Feb. 3, 2011

  • Well, he's actually a GREAT father, but he certainly has his verbal abuse moments. I'm just not really sure what I can do to shut him up. And frankly, the part he doesn't realize is the more someone tells me I "can't" the more I will. So he's never going to win. :/
    MommyHess

    Comment by MommyHess (original poster) at 7:41 PM on Feb. 3, 2011

  • I feel terrible for you-- I'm also a full time college student, have a 2 1/2 yr old daughter, and have a job...except my SO (her dad) is VERY supportive...he got his Master's years ago so understands how long it can take to obtain your degrees. I've always said I could never be with someone who didn't support my plans of law school and beyond.

    What your husband is doing is definitely projection-- he's unhappy/insecure with himself, so he makes you feel bad for it. It's also a form of verbal/emotional abuse for him to turn things on you. You are not in the wrong, and screw the "bad mom" situation- you getting your education is what will benefit your children the most later. My Mom was always at work and in school and guess what?- we're still best friends now that I'm in adulthood and realize why she was so busy. Don't feel bad, do you!! I would bring it up to him though, becuse it's unfair for him to do those things to you.
    lexi8622

    Answer by lexi8622 at 7:42 PM on Feb. 3, 2011

  • We argue about it every morning. And if I make plans to do ANYTHING that isn't work or school, I get the, "You're always gone." Or the, "You don't contribute to raising your daughter." Regardless of whether I taker her with me when I go places or not.

    He used to be extremely supportive and still claims that he is, but now that I'm about to graduate with my AA and transfer to a University, he seems so much more irritated by everything that I am doing. I can talk to him about it, but even if we "fix" it, it doesn't last long.

    Don't get me wrong though, ladies, he is a GREAT father and a WODNERFUL husband in every other way. I just don't know how to get over this jealousy hump.
    MommyHess

    Comment by MommyHess (original poster) at 7:49 PM on Feb. 3, 2011

  • Your situation is complicated on many levels. You two have problems to fix in your relationship, problems to address about your husband's health, problems to address about your husband's psychological/emotional needs, problems meeting your husband's work potential, and possibly problems with how to best care for your daughter. I'd have to know a lot more information to give you any sort of truly helpful answer.
    How did you meet your husband, and what did you like about him when you met him?
    Why do you want stay together with him, and why do you want to help him?
    How epileptic is your husband (meaning what type of seizures, what frequency, ETC)?
    How well does he function as a house husband? If he's good, do you let him know you appreciate what he does?
    How long has he had no motivation?
    What sort of activities that don't have to do with his job (SAHD) or yours (Working/student mommy) do you enjoy doing together?
    ladymomtraveler

    Answer by ladymomtraveler at 7:57 PM on Feb. 3, 2011

  • How did you meet your husband, and what did you like about him when you met him?: We met through mutual friends almost five years ago. He was very fun to be around, easy to talk to, and gave me the strength to leave my ex (who I was with when we met) and I ended up with him afterwards. We have been married since October. I was already a student when we met.........cont....
    MommyHess

    Comment by MommyHess (original poster) at 8:21 PM on Feb. 3, 2011

  • Why do you want stay together with him, and why do you want to help him?: I stay with him because he is good company, he supports me when my stress levels get too high, and he does everything I don't have tiime to do myself.

    How epileptic is your husband (meaning what type of seizures, what frequency, ETC)?: He has what used to be called "Grand Mal" seizures. They are now called something else, but the same idea. When I met him, his seizures were 4-6 weeks apart. I was able to get him to see a neuorlogist for the first time in several years and got his meds stablized. His parents had been paying for them prior and when they "didn't have the money" they would just leave him to fend. I pay for them (when medi-cal doesn't) and he hasn't missed a dose in three years. He has now been seizure-free for almost a full year.

    ...cont....

    MommyHess

    Comment by MommyHess (original poster) at 8:25 PM on Feb. 3, 2011

  • How well does he function as a house husband? If he's good, do you let him know you appreciate what he does?: He vacuums because I bought him a dog and I hate animal fur and the smell of animals, so he is very conscious of cleaning up after her. The backyard is his duty. When he knows I don't have time to do dishes or clean my side of the bedroom, he does it for me. He doesn't cook, but I have rules about my kitchen. Lol.. Generally speaking, he does the minimum, but does it well.

    How long has he had no motivation?: He has never been on for school. He has a GED.. But so do I and I'm an honor student, so I can't generalize on that. School is just not for him. As far as a job, he has GREAT work ethic when he has a job, but he just wont put in the foot work to get hired anywhere. His last three jobs were offered to him through friends or I applied for him online. (Enabling, I know.) ...cont...
    MommyHess

    Comment by MommyHess (original poster) at 8:31 PM on Feb. 3, 2011

  • What sort of activities that don't have to do with his job (SAHD) or yours (Working/student mommy) do you enjoy doing together?: We LOVE, LOVE, LOVE live music! He introduced me to reggae and ska and took me to a whole bunch of shows early in our relationship and throughout my pregnancy. We enjoy the drive-in (we actually still have on in San Diego) and anything to do with food. He hates shopping, but bares the loathe to appease me and he usually gets something out of it. :) And when I have time, we like to shoot zombies together on the Xbox. Football and UFC fights are weekend enjoyments as well. I always used football as an excuse to drink beer before I met him, but now I understand the game and I get into it. He thinks it's hot. :P
    MommyHess

    Comment by MommyHess (original poster) at 8:33 PM on Feb. 3, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.
close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN