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Enlighten me

My 7 yr old does very well inschool,she`s generous,thoughtful,loving & very funny .There seems to be a power struggle between us.She usually wins. When I try to be the mom I become a bully & I torment my only child. She acts up & stresses me a lot so I start YELLING!.This is our routine. She'd end up crying & I'll be miserable. When she starts bawling my husband will getmad.I get more stressed & end up asking my daughter to stop if she wants her dad to shut up...or when she begins to act up I will warn her " you`ll be in big trouble if your dad hears you crying".I know one thing that I lack is consistency.I don`t follow through with my rules. They become threats .She acts up when she doesn`t get what she wants & her way. She hardly obeys me. I tried time outs & rewards ( same issue ..I`m not consistent.. so it'll work for a day).Are there moms out there who had the same issue when their kids where 7-8 ?TY

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:12 AM on Nov. 16, 2008 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Answers (9)
  • Yes, but, I was consistent with what I did. If you don't stop it now, you are going to be in big trouble with her when she is a teen.Can you imagine her a teen and doing that. Put it in your head what she will be like and maybe you will get consistent. I have seen teen girls like that and its really sad. Do it, don't get mad, just warn her, and when she throws a fit, take something away. She may not like it at first, but, she will learn.Don't worry about "being a bully,or being mean", she has to learn to live in the real world. And the husband needs to help, not like he is doing now.
    Kat122

    Answer by Kat122 at 5:59 AM on Nov. 16, 2008

  • I had a lot to say but I was way over 1000 words, so I will try to sum it up. I was the same way and it got me no where. Stop yelling, she isn't listening to a word your saying. It is wasted aggrivation. Find a method of punishment and STICK with it, right now she is getting the idea that she only gets punished when you feel like it, not when she actually does something wrong. And that is always a bad signal to give a child. You keep it up and you will have NO control over her when she is a teen, she doesn't respect you now, it will only get worse later. Pick your battles, if it isn't hurting her, anyone else, it isn't breaking house rules, then it really isn't worth yelling at her about. and finally try to do some fun things with her, try not to give her a chance to get under your skin. Good luck.
    Izzyscrazymom

    Answer by Izzyscrazymom at 9:22 AM on Nov. 16, 2008

  • Try 123 Magic.
    You can get the video at your local library.
    It teaches you how to be consistent and firm without yelling or spanking.

    Now, I do still spank mine sometimes, if they really cross the line, but 123 Magic does work.
    You have to be really consistent. I had to do it in WalMart a couple times, and I remember thinking, "Someone is going to think I'm nuts, putting my kids in timeout in WMT." However, I only got supportive comments and knowing smiles. People appreciate you disciplining your kid, but not screaming at them or hitting them.
    3gymnastsmom

    Answer by 3gymnastsmom at 9:56 AM on Nov. 16, 2008

  • I was the one who asked this question!....just additional info: I have tried timeouts everywhere we go.It doesn`t seem to affect her.I will tell her why she`s on a time out and will ask her what she learned from that timeout,she'll be good for a moment then she`ll start over.I've tried deviating her attention .But when she`s mad she`s MAD!She will be nice when she`s asking me  for something.DON'T GET ME WRONG  SHE`S A GOOD KID,the problem will start when she don`t get her way & what she wants.I`ve tried taking things from her as consequence.iT DOESN'T BOTHER HER.You moms are right.I`m already worried about her teen years. It kills me when she says I'm mean because I know I was & when she says  she can`t stop crying because she's very sad.I know she really is..

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:53 AM on Nov. 16, 2008

  • I am going to give you my honest opinion...I think you are going about it all wrong. You are blaming your daughter for her dad getting angry. Unfair. It's alot of pressure to put on a child when you start blamoing them for you n9ot be able to control the yelling and being consistent. It is not her job to make sure daddy doesn't yell. Or that mommy just doen't have control over her own anger. That is why a lot of things happen the way they happen. First when things don't go accordingly as planned take deap breath and remember to not scream, yell or hit. Start with directing your child and if it does't work then redirect your daughter to her room. Then tell her when she can either listen or calm down she can come out and enjoy the family.

    nyteowl

    Answer by nyteowl at 10:56 AM on Nov. 16, 2008

  • Kids will push buttons. I have a 3 year old that is an awesome button pusher...The main key is to keep your temper ion check and make sure your hubby's temper is in check. Don't blame her for your hubby getting mad at you...Not fair. Like I said, I think once everyone learns to get their tempers in check things will be a lot better and easier...
    nyteowl

    Answer by nyteowl at 10:56 AM on Nov. 16, 2008

  • Redirect her to her room even if it means you have to stand outside the door holding it. It will be hard the first few times. BUT if you do it in a calm less intimidating way, things will start going smoothly. Now if she acts up in public. Throws a fit say in walmart. Find a place to sit and say when you are done we will continue shopping. This will com=nfuse her and it works like a charm. when she is done, have her apologize for her behavior. The contiue on shopping.

    Also after you send her to timeout out or her room make sure when she is calm and done being punished that she apologizes for her actions.
    nyteowl

    Answer by nyteowl at 11:00 AM on Nov. 16, 2008

  • Stop feeling bad for parenting your child. If every time you discipline you call yourself a bully or a tormentor then you'll feel this way before you even begin, and this will color your actions because you are already feeling like a brute, why not act like one. Discipline is not abuse. It is absoloutely necessary and without it, your kid trains you to her preferences rather than the other way around. It sounds like in some ways this is already happening.

    You are acting like this, this is not behavior that is allowed in my home. You will be in your room till you can demonstrate to me that this behavior has stopped and will not be repeated. Which means if after five minutes in your room you come out and give me mouth, you will go right back in. I have no problem saying you may have seen this behavior modeled on TV by some teeny bopper diva, but divas don't live in my house.
    Kestrel1

    Answer by Kestrel1 at 12:44 PM on Nov. 16, 2008

  • Tears or no. Tears do not mean someone is listening to you. Tears do not mean someone is sorry for their behavior. Tears are a distraction from the issue at hand.

    Disciplining to tears is counterproductive because the child is more focused on their own emotional state than the action that went wrong. There is no point in trying to speak rationally with someone who is already in tears. You wont get anything but a person who is uncomfortable and trying to feel better - which means telling you whatever you want to hear to make the situation go away.

    An emotional response doesn't get you the long term results you want. So I wouldn't let tears be a 'way out' I might even ask, 'does crying mean you are no longer in trouble? Does crying undo what you just did?
    Kestrel1

    Answer by Kestrel1 at 12:50 PM on Nov. 16, 2008

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