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13 Bumps

Does Jenna know? Did she hurt? Is she okay? Do I still have the right to be a mother?

My daughter Jenna was stillborn when I was exactly 34 weeks pregnant. It was due to a lot of the fact that my boyfriend and my dad were hitting me, and I had started passing out and having seizures as a result of stress and head trauma. That isn't really part of her story that I like to dive into. I know now that I should've gone for help before I did. It just never occured to me that she'd die. I have so many regrets now. And I just miss her so much.

My question mainly is, does she know that I didn't mean to let her die? I believe in Jesus, and heaven, and the prospect of something more. But I just don't know. Am I a terrible mother and person for letting this happen to her? I was only 16. I was naive and afraid. But that's still not an excuse. I let my child die. Recently, I've also been doing a lot of research into abortion, and the baby can feel pain at 12 weeks. Did Jenna hurt? Was her last moment of life spent in pain? Is it my fault? And does she know that I didn't mean for it to turn out this way? Does she know that I love her and I still cry for her every day? Is it okay that I'm not over this.. and it'll be 2 years in April? And lastly, do I still have the right to call myself her mother?

I have so many questions that I can't answer. No one understands how badly this still hurts me. I should have a little girl here with me, and I don't. I loved her more than myself, and yet, I couldn't save her. Why am I here and she isn't?

I just need to know that she's okay now. I just need to know that maybe I can be okay. :/ That's all it is, really.

Answer Question
 
rianneelizabeth

Asked by rianneelizabeth at 12:49 AM on Feb. 4, 2011 in Babies (0-12 months)

Level 4 (41 Credits)
Answers (42)
  • Oh darlin........I wish I could give you a hug. Never fear Your baby will always love her momma and she is waiting for you when the time is right you will be together again. I hope to goodness your away from these people who hurt you. Blessing to you.........
    mistynights234

    Answer by mistynights234 at 12:54 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • You can't blame yourself for what has been done already.  DO NOT torture yourself.  Hell it was torture for me just to read this.  You were a child.  Everyone can look back and say "shit, I should have done this..... should have done that".  No, you should never be "over" it.  Who actually "gets over" the loss of a child.  You were a VICTIM!  A VICTIM!  Don't be made into a victim again by torturing yourself.

    MrsHouston47302

    Answer by MrsHouston47302 at 12:58 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • She felt your love for her. I read in a book about past lives that babies that are not able to be born as expected have an understanding with the mom's spirit that they will be born at another time. They return to the Source (God for some of us) until the time is right. Not to get off subject but I hope you had the bf and dad arrested for what they did.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:58 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • Oh honey...

    Of COURSE you have a right to be her mother. THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! You HAVE to quit blaiming yourself.

    What if you had gone for help? WHAT IF your boyfriend and dad found out? Would they have beat you to death? Would you both have died?

    PLEASE join the Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support Group. I lost a baby to miscarriage and other women have had still births. We would LOVE for you to join our group and get the support you need.

    I would also suggest a grief counsler.
    miasmommy21407

    Answer by miasmommy21407 at 12:59 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • hugsI agree that your baby was able to feel your love

    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:59 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • yes, babies feel pain, but they can also feel love. I´m sure Jenna knew and knows that you loved her, love her still and will always love her, and she knows you were, are, and will forever be her mother. ((Hugs))
    Belovedmoonpixi

    Answer by Belovedmoonpixi at 1:01 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • THe loss of a child is always hard and it sounds like your situation was harder than most. First let me say YES you ABSOLUTELY have the right to call yourself her mother. YOu are a mother. With all the love you have for her you cannot doubt that. Its a hard thing to negotiate how your faith plays into your ability to cope with the loss of a child. EHre's what I try to hold onto... Personally I miscarried and on teh way to the hospital I knew it was over but I tried to stay strong. WE passed a driveway and there was this little sign at the end no bigger than a license plate that said simply "It is good for me to go home to Him." Those words will be branded in my mind forever. It was like a message from my little angel to let me know that it was all ok now and I could move on one day. It is ok NOT to be over this. You suffered so much and your loss was profound. Time has no measurement in the healing process.
    GoldenLinds

    Answer by GoldenLinds at 1:01 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • I have a restraining order against my dad, and my EX (love saying that) was 17 at the time, and was tried as an adult. So he got 3 years in jail for domestic assault and rape and all that jazz..

    I guess i won on that front.. but it still doesn't feel like a win.
    rianneelizabeth

    Comment by rianneelizabeth (original poster) at 1:05 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • I was once told that pain in life has no memory to those in His arms. I believe this. Even if your dear Jenna felt pain, it matters nothing now because she is in GOd's love, and more than that, she is ever aware of YOUR love for her. I would greatly encourage you to talk to other mothers who have had losses in the Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support Group. The grief you are going through is a daily battle adn the women there know exactly how hard that can be. I promise you will alwyas have an open arm to hug you, a shoulder to cry on and hands to wipe your tears away or a heart to cry with you. We will encourage youe very step of the way whenever you need it.
    GoldenLinds

    Answer by GoldenLinds at 1:05 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • OMG...I don't know what to say, except your little girl DOES know it wasn't your fault. The situation u were in was not of your choice, and I do believe the Lord knew that with all my heart. U may not have been able to save Jenna, but the Lord did. As for Jenna feeling pain? No she didn't. I don't know about abortion or how its done, but your baby died cause the 2 people in this world only felt better about themselves when they were beating up on a defenseless woman, u absolutely did nothing wrong!!! All I hope is they both are sitting and rottening in prison charged with the murder of an unborn child and attempted murder, and they were made somebody's bitch! And they are now experiencing whats its like to get beat up by somebody else! You are here on earth because the Lord has other plans for u, and he feels when u r ready, he will bless u with a man who will treat u like a queen, and u will have another baby Jenna.
    Michigan-Mom74

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 1:09 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

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