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He keeps undermining me!

Okay. So my fiance` works night shift and has for the last two years. Because of that, he used to block off rooms with breakables and let his son do anything he wanted while he slept. (Ollie was with his grandparents at night and picked up by daddy on his way home) He's so used to doing whatever that when I moved in I get up with him and actually pay attention and he flips when he gets told no. I've been working with him on this stuff and when daddy isn't here he listens just fine. But when daddy is here I'll tell him no and his dad says sarcastically "I would." Or I'll tell him to give me something he isn't supposed to be playing with and he'll go "run buddy run!" or "You gotta be sneakier next time." He'll even take him out of time out!

It's infuriating! I know it's his son but if we're getting married and I'm watching him nights and mornings four days a week he has to let me do some parenting. Ollie's 18 months and doesn't talk well so he uses the excuse that "He doesn't know what I'm saying." He doesn't know the words but he can read your tone!

If he keeps contradicting me and undermining everything I tell him Oliver will think he doesn't have to listen to me. I tell him this but he says I worry too much. How do I make him understand? Even his mother has told him it's wrong and he still does it.

Any advice? Because I've gotten this kid behaving and completely weened off the bottle and everything and I don't wanna see him back tracking.

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Asked by MamaStuart at 2:24 AM on Feb. 4, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 19 (8,209 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • You have a fiance problem not a child problem. If you (you fiance and you) were on the same schedule you wouldn't be having these problems.

    You fiance sounds immature and ignorant. He doesn't seem to understand how children learn or how important boundaries are. You need to have a serious sit down. Also, on a side note, if he's doing this with his child he'll do the same thing when the two of you have children. It's not merely a blended family issue.

    Answer by Sparklecoon at 2:31 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • We can't change his schedule. Believe me, we've been looking for other jobs and there's no day shift openings at his work. And he honestly didn't know what he was doing before I got there because he's never been around little kids. His youngest relative it two years behind him and the one above him is twelve years older than him. That and Oliver's mom just walked out on them. (Not that she was doing any parenting anyway). But now that someone who knows what they're doing has come along it's like he doesn't wanna learn or he's scared that Oliver won't like him if he puts down rules. It's like he's afraid to change things. :\

    Comment by MamaStuart (original poster) at 2:39 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • I'm sorry I didn't mean schedule... it's 0230 and my mind isn't quite following on all cylinders... I meant the same page as far as parenting.

    Answer by Sparklecoon at 2:42 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • You can't be "best friends" with a child. You'll never hear a kid yell "Discipline me!" but at the same time they both want and need those boundaries and expectations. It only gets harder the older they get.

    Answer by Sparklecoon at 2:44 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • I have kinda the same situation with my husband. We disagree on so many things when it comes to raising our son. He'll say "run buddy run" too, which is sometimes funny i have to admit, but it teaches him the opposite of what Im trying to teach him. And my son will be a perfect angel, until the second my husband walks in the door, and he turns into a little tazmanian devil & will do stuff just to be doing it. But how your SO sleeps & lets him do what he wants while he sleeps, probably upsets the baby. My husband is a computer nerd, lol, and when he's working on a computer, or playing around on one, he's completely zoomed out, and a lot of times my son will try to get his attention, but gets ignored. So I think that's why he acts up when he's around his dad because he thinks daddy's attention will be on him. Try talking to your SO, and tell him how you feel. Tell him to observe how you handle certain situations and (cont'd)...

    Answer by Jessica1991 at 3:10 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • Tell him that he should try the same. If he has a problem then tell him to find a sitter while he's at work because you refuse to watch him until he's on track fully. Thats what I would do. But GL! :)

    Answer by Jessica1991 at 3:13 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • You and your fiance really need to work on this. If he refuses to set boundaries and discipline his child I would seriously rethink getting married to him.You really have to agree about this and many other things to have a workable marriage. What would he tell his son if he had something that was harmful to him?

    Answer by treynlisa at 7:21 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • If it's something he can get hurt with he takes it off of him but if it's something that can't hurt him but he could still break (cell phones, plastic spoons, tooth brushes) he let's him go because it's "easier" than taking it away and having him cry.

    Comment by MamaStuart (original poster) at 3:06 PM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • If you think it is bad at 18 months wait until this child is 4 or 5 or God forbid a teenager. If he is not willing to set boundaries for this child run.

    Answer by treynlisa at 3:10 PM on Feb. 4, 2011

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