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I need some good insight here please?

This will be a little long but please bear with me: I've been married for close to 2 years now, with a baby boy. We had a lot of problems: Emotional cheating on his part years ago, which I forgave, fighting constantly, we came *this* close to divorce. The thing is, we sort of drifted apart. We didn't work on our issues, we sort of swept them under the carpet. I have tried talking continuesly but to no avail. We are at a really awkward place now, we don't talk about anything else other than general things, nothing personal. My husband as never the kind of person to talk anyway and I knew that. But now, it's like we are rommates who share a bed. We've not been intimate in 4, maybe 5 months. (No sex, no touching, no kissing, nothing) I don't know if he's cheating and I am really the kind to check or snoop around. I hope he's not. We don't fight often, we just spend our days casually, like nothing is going on when all the issues are still there, just not spoken of. I have tried talking to him over the years and recently but it's not working and I am tired of always making the first move. He seems to have accepted this is how it is and willing to live like this or he just doesn't care anymore I guess, I don't know which of the two. I don't think this is a marriage anymore but he doesn't want to admit it. It stopped being a marriage a long time ago. The thing is, I do love my husband but I really don't think we can work on our differences and I can't live a loveless life, without intimacy anymore. What should I do?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:44 AM on Feb. 4, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (6)
  • Well it definitely takes two to have a partnership & if he doesnt want to save his marriage then there is nothing u can but move on.. (I know.. Easily said than done). But who wants to stay in a loveless relationship?? Thats depressing & its not healthy.
    tiamesmer

    Answer by tiamesmer at 3:54 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • Tell him how you feel. Get to the bottom of why he feels the way he does. Let him speak without interrupting him and without yelling. Ask him where he sees your future going.
    SweetLoveofMine

    Answer by SweetLoveofMine at 4:10 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • Oh and also you haven't even been married 2 years, you are still newly weds and ALL couples go through hard times, especially in the first years. I've made many mistakes with my husband in our marriage and he has too but if you really love each other then you find a way to get over things and move forward.
    SweetLoveofMine

    Answer by SweetLoveofMine at 4:12 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • My hubby and I had a rocky first few years. But, we never went without being intimate. I guess our marriage was pretty explosive at times, but clingy at the same time. We never let go.
    It kinda sounds like you have a good grasp on what's going on. It sounds like he just isn't *there*. And IDK why. Maybe he feels that you aren't *there* and he doesn't know how to handle that. Maybe it's just in his nature to be this way. My aunts hubby is not at all the huggy, affectionate type. She is. They just are not compatible at all. Maybe that's how it is with you guys. If you can't live without the love and affection that you feel you are not getting, then you should talk with him about that, see if he can change. See if he is willing to change. If not, then you need to decide if you are willing to give that up to be with him, or you are going to have to give him up. Loving someone is not enough. You need to have love in return.
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 7:03 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • I definitely think counseling is in order. If it were me, I would tell him it's time to poop or get off the pot. He either goes to counseling with you or you will have to take steps to end this unhappy marriage. Tell him you are not willing to live the rest of your life with no love and no intimacy, emotional or physical. Life is just too precious to spend your days that way. If he does agree to go, be prepared for it to get hard. Did you pull away after the emotional cheating incident in an attempt to protect yourself? You will have to be really honest about your own faults, which isn't always comfortable. At the same time, this doens't have to be a bad thing, it could be a positive in that it turns your marriage around and brings you closer than ever. At least if you try this and it doens't work, you'll have the comfort of knowing that you did everything you could possibly do.
    JawgaMom1

    Answer by JawgaMom1 at 9:19 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • Sounds like it is time for an "intervention" of sorts, a crossroad, however you would like to see it. You have finally decided that you don't want to live like this any longer. Now, if you have tried talking to him, and he doesn't listen, i would write him a very long letter saying whist you have told us, and more about how you are starting to feel. Don't attack him. Make it about how you feel. Reassure him you love him, you want to be with him and make it work, and that you have faith in him. Also, make out a list of what You need to be happy in the relationship.
    Then give him the letter when you two are alone, have him go read it, and when he is done, tell him that you really need to discuss it. You don't want to live a life of misery, who does? And I bet he is feeling it too.
    I also suggest counseling as well, it helps having a third non biased person there to see things from an outside perspective.
    Good luck, all the best
    Mme.Langley

    Answer by Mme.Langley at 2:11 PM on Feb. 4, 2011

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