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9 Bumps

Have you ever had to give up a baby?

I'm sixteen years old. I'm about to have a baby with my boyfriend of six months now. I know alot of you will probably think I'm a ho-bag for getting myself knocked up, but believe it or not it was our first time having sex and he didn't exactly know how to put the condom on.

Anyway, obviously it wasn't on correctly or else I wouldn't be sitting here discussing it. I just told my mom last night and she was pissed! She demands that I either have an abortion or give it up for adoption. Either way she will not help me take care of this baby and if I decide to keep it I might as well find another place to live.

So I'm thinking about adoption. Any advice?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:25 AM on Feb. 4, 2011 in Adoption

Answers (27)
  • I'm really sorry you're going through this, unfortunately I did give up my first born son. I was in the same position as you are currently. My parents told me to get out, I couldn't work (closest area with jobs was 30 miles away and they refused to let me use the car to get a job), I was offered to move in with my now husbands parents; my parents wouldn't allow it because I was minor, social services wouldn't offer me any assistance because I lived at home, can't get a place to live without a job, not to mention you can't sign a lease. I really feel for you..giving away my child that I wanted more than anything has been a lifetime of emptiness and saddness. I have a good life now, but I still have the emptiness in my heart from loosing my first child. I will never understand how a mother that claims to love and support her daughter, who knows what love for a child means, would force their daughter to get rid of a baby
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 11:42 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • I've been where you are and I'm so sorry that your mom is not being understanding about this. I did not have to give my daughter up, thankfully, so I can't offer you advice for that, but I can say that since you are not getting the support you will need from your family you need to take a long, hard look at the your ability (and that of the father if he is involved) to raise the baby. I can not support abortion, but I can support adoption, if you are not able to provide for your child. In any case, there are a lot of hard choices ahead of you. Good luck. If you need someone to talk to, we're here for you.

    scout_mom

    Answer by scout_mom at 11:42 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • As for advice, I'd suggest learning as much as you can about adoption (unfortunately for me I didn't know things that might have helped me). There is group called BirthMothers here that can offer advice, they have been wonderful for me while dealing with the grief. I'd suggest reading some posts to prepare yourself, if you want to keep your child it may benefit your mother to understand as well what some of the risks are, versus continuing to look at the supposed good reason for placing a child for adoption. It is not all rainbows and ponies, if you know those things up front and still must move forward you can prepare yourself better. The more information you have the better you're equiped to ask the tough questions of potential adoptive parents, lawyers, agencies etc. There are places that can help you, the Birthmothers group may be able to help you find resources to allow you to keep baby as well. Again I'm sorry.
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 11:47 AM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • I would never consider abortion even if my mom strapped me to the operating table. I'd spit in her face first. So that is definitely out of the cards. I DO want to keep this baby, but what do I know about parenting? I can't even make sure my boyfriend puts his condom on right, how am I going ot be a good parent? So I just feel the best thing for this baby and for myself, is to give it up for adoption. I hear it's the hardest thing in the world to do, but with the way my mom is and her boyfriend is, I just don't see how this will be a healthy place for this baby and I certainly would rather see her go to people who aren't crazy than stay here with my mom.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:06 PM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • Thanks for the advice. *huggles*
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:06 PM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • First OF ALL YOU ARE NOT A HOBAG !!!!!!!!!! We all make choices that are not the best that does not make us horrible people. Many of us will not judge you on here because we have been in your situation. Please do not beat yourself up. I was 16 when I got pregnant with my daughter. I told my parents and told me the same thing. They made go live in New Hampshire with brother until my baby was born and said to me if you keep this baby you can not come and I could not live with my brother either. Her birthfather was not involved either. They only choice I felt I had was to place for her adoption. it is such a hard process and will effect you forever. If you have support at all please consider keeping your baby.Have you told your boyfriends family yet? Maybe they will be more supportive. If you consider adoption please research your options. Giving up my child for adoption was the hrdest thing I have ever done.

    ramajil

    Answer by ramajil at 12:19 PM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • I think adoption is a courageous and self-less choice. I am an adult adoptee and had a wonderful life because my birth mom did the right thing and gave me up. She may not have known if it were right at the time, but I would not have had all of the advantages I did had I not beed given up at birth. Now a days they have more open adoption options, so youmight still be able to see your baby grow up! Good luck to you, and, you know, give your mom a minute, she might have different feelings once the shock wears off.
    Bwebb

    Answer by Bwebb at 12:23 PM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • Also I think it would a good idea to talk with a counselor to help with your decsion. I did have alot of counseling while I was pregnant and afterwards. I went through Catholic Charties in New Hampshire. They were very good to me and my daughter. We have been reunited for a year and half and they were still looking out for me during my reunion. Not all adoption agencies are like that. BUT PLEASE CONSIDER PARENTING IF YOU ARE ABLE TO !!!!!!!!
    ramajil

    Answer by ramajil at 12:27 PM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • I understand what you're going through. My biggest suggestion is to soak up everything you can about adoption to be prepared. It is very complex. Know that you have all the power right now; research. Sometimes adoption seems like the only answer; sometimes it is the only option. If I knew then what I know now, even if I was in the same exact situation I would've used that knowledge in ways to make sure I got what I wanted, not what everyone else did. Remember there is a possibility for adoptive parents to make promises they won't keep, open adoptions are not enforcable by law, they can be closed without warning. They are not immune to every day issues (divorce, financial hardships, etc), no one can ensure a person's morals or character, people lie. Prepare yourself for grief, get counseling. There ARE great parents out there but you need to know the possibilities, that's what I didn't know. If you need to talk I'm here
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 12:29 PM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • I don't think your mom realizes the impact that this child will have on her life, no matter if it were aborted (which you aren't doing) or adopted and especially kept. This is a grandchild, a reason to celebrate! She's acting on hurt, fear and anger right now and I'd give her a chance to calm down. I echo talking to your BF's parents. You aren't the first 16 y/o to get pregnant, nor will you be the last. Many 16 y/o's or even younger have coped well with parenthood. Starting young isn't the end of the world. If you want to talk to other moms who have placed children for adoption, as blessed said above, this group www.cafemom.com/group/4974  is a great resource. There are pros and cons to adoption. Many things to think about before you can make an informed decision. BTW, have you gotten pre-natal care? Take care of you and that baby. :)

    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 12:49 PM on Feb. 4, 2011

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