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Has this ever happened to anyone? How did overcome it?

I use to be the type of person that was very outgoing, honest with my oppinions, loved to make people laugh, shrugged things off when something makes me upset, enjoyed spending time with my kids (bio & step),just a very happy person. then 3 years ago that went all to hell. My step kids mother ruined my relationship with my oldest SS (20 now) to where he wrote a letter to his dad about he had thoughts of killing me. My step kids ages are 20,10, and 6 and my dd is 7. She put ideas in their heads saying that i am trying to take her place make them call me mommy and i was the reason she cheated on his dad with HIS best friend (only the oldest knows the real reason they split). I wouldve been 15 ladies. I was the scapegoat for all their issues.
I am not going to make myself look innocent. Due to my childhood i had an attitude, we all did, especially when the boys moved in. they would try to take advantage and i wouldnt go for it. Even when i didnt do anything I was blamed or at times when dh got onto the kids for something, they ran and told her it was always me. Even when i would work over-time to help get what all the kids needed.I even asked her why does she hate me so much when all i was nice to her, no answer. When she acted stupid i didnt yell, i tried and talked to her like a person. It was just plain awful.
I have never cried or was more angrier than within those 2.5 years. I have anxiety (more when she calls or i am around her), my feelings are easier to get hurt,i am very quick to get angry, i dont force my oppinions,i want to run away and cry and my confidence is gone. I lost who i was and i hate it. Now my relationship with the younger ones (especially with his 10 yr son), is stronger. With my oldest SS, its ok, when he is at my house, but when we are around his mom he pretends i am not there. And i hate to say i even have anxiety around him too. Me and bio-mom speak only when we have to, but mainly thru text.
i tried talking to a therapist but that got expensive. And i didnt want to bug anyone I knew, because they already have too much on their plate. so i just keep to myself, which is not good. I love DH to death, but he doesnt understand why its hard for me at times, and why when something is bothering me, even though its the same thing, i want to talk about it. Granted she did cheat on him, and use the kids against him at times. Did anything similar or anything bad happened to where you felt lost? Did you ever overcome it? I am trying so hard but it stays with me.

Answer Question
 
DeeDee104

Asked by DeeDee104 at 2:05 PM on Feb. 4, 2011 in Relationships

Level 3 (8 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • Try getting a medical checkup to rule out medical problems. It may be that some anxiety med would help you feel more able to cope.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 2:11 PM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • yes and you have to avoid that situation.
    GlitteribonMom

    Answer by GlitteribonMom at 2:19 PM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • I would stop talking to her alltogether. Not even texts. Change your cell phone number & don't give it to her, or block her number. have her call your DH & talk to him if it's regarding the kids. If you have to be in the same place with her (school events & such) just sit somewhere else. Don't think about her & never, ever talk to her. if she blames you for something say "that's just her opinion & not the truth" and leave it at that. disconnect from this woman completely & tell your husband your doing so. Don't ask him if it's OK, just tell him you're cutting her off because she stresses you out so much, that you want to avoid her as much as possible to keep yourself in a happy state. Tell him this means that you may not attend certain functions if she is there, that you will not answer her calls or texts. I was in your shoes, that's what i did. I made it so she didn't exist to me & made him deal with her. It worked well.
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 2:31 PM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • Easy as that may sound, I cant just not avoid her. I have to see her to drop ss(10) off and/or when we go visit my inlaws or my folks. They all live 20 to 30 mins from each other. We live 2.5 hours away, thank Goodness.
    DeeDee104

    Comment by DeeDee104 (original poster) at 2:33 PM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • I try, because of the kids, especially the little ones. I dont want them to feel like they have to walk on eggshells and my ss says to me all the time that he is glad that we all can do that.
    DeeDee104

    Comment by DeeDee104 (original poster) at 2:36 PM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • i love samurai chica's solution. tats what i would have suggested as well. after all it is HIS ex..why do you have to deal with her that much?and also, why do you have to see her when you drop off the kids?you drop thenm off and you go, no conversation needed.why your husband not dropping them off?
    Davina85

    Answer by Davina85 at 2:47 PM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • Been in similar situation. What you do is huge b/c it can make or break your marriage. Sounds like you are already close to a breaking point. Get help. Counseling for yourself is a GREAT place to start. You don't have to live like this. You just have to stop focusing on the problem, and start focusing on the solution!
    JackieGirl007

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 3:27 PM on Feb. 4, 2011

  • Since you figure you cannot avoid her then you need to start being more stronger and avoid any conflicts or words that may upset you. I understand that there are certain places that you have to be around her but you do not have to give her all your power and that's exactly what you're doing. You've allowed her to be a major person in your life that took away your joy and I'm surprised that a therapist would take your money without giving you the tools to fight back. Its time for you to fight back. Not with fist but with a mindset that you will not allow this woman to control you any longer. You will not allow her kids to to hurt you. You need to get to this point in your life...
    mom2mybabes

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 4:32 PM on Feb. 4, 2011

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