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Teenage daughter always distance herself from parents

I have a 17 Yr old daughter that is always in her bedroom, Never wants to spend anytime with her father and I, Asks that a friend stays overnight all the time even on school nights and If we tell her no she locks herself in her room with a really bad attitude and if we allow a friend over then they take the car and always look for places to go and then when she is home with a friend they lock themselves in her room.. she does work at our family business so she is with us all of the time at work but tries to distant herself and refuses to talk to us about anything.. she is very spoiled, we have bought her a car, (Most of her friends do not even have a license) we pay for her cell phone bills even though she makes about 200.00 a week. We pay all of her bills, Car insurance Ect.. She spends money on Clothes, and gas to drive her car to and from Work/ High School.. We moved during her 10th grade Year.. so she has had to leave the school and all of her friends behind that she grew up with since Kindergarten.. We love our daughter very very much and all we want is some respect but when she distance herself from us it hurts.. I had 4 daughters, My oldest was killed when she was 17 Yrs old by a drunk driver.. (she was walking) I have been a helicopter mom to the rest of my 3 daughters after that happend to my Oldest.. I am so scared to death to lose another child that I have held them so close to home so tight in fear... My 2 middle daughters remember when their older sister was killed and they said they understood why I was a helicopter mom to them after that had happened to their sister.. But my now youngest daughter (who was only 5 yrs old when her oldest sister was killed, and doesnt remember her) is now 17 Yrs old and hates that she has limits on where she can go.. although I do allow her friends to stay at our house whenever she wants them to.. I need her love, My heart is aching.. Her older sisters are telling me that the reason she miss treats her father and I (More myself than her father) is because I spoil her... Any suggestions??

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Caring_mom_45

Asked by Caring_mom_45 at 11:37 PM on Feb. 6, 2011 in Teens (13-17)

Level 3 (23 Credits)
Answers (15)
  • Listen to those closest to you, they have much more insight than any of us could have... probably is that you spoil her and she uses your other child dying and guilt to control you... ~*Hugs*~, be strong, and now eventually this will pass
    MommaClark3

    Answer by MommaClark3 at 11:46 PM on Feb. 6, 2011

  • First off Im very sorry for your loss. I definatly think you are spoiling!! You need to teacher her to be resoponsible for her self (paying her own bills) I know its hard and as a parent you want to give your child everything, but sometimes in doing so you teach them that everything will just be handed to them, that they dont need to work to get what they want. (In your case its harder because you have lost a child) Especailly if she isnt being respectful to you why reward her? She may not make much money but she should be responisble for atleast helping to pay for the her things.17 in general is a hard age ...be strong and follow your heart.
    lil_momma_vdv

    Answer by lil_momma_vdv at 11:51 PM on Feb. 6, 2011

  • I agree with PP spoiling her is probably why...ever watch my super sweet 16 on mtv...cut her off she will respect you then
    suhweetness

    Answer by suhweetness at 11:53 PM on Feb. 6, 2011

  • Tonight she asked if she could go to a Boys house (The boy is 15 Yrs old, she is 17 Yrs old) it was 10:30 P.M On a school night, Her father told her No and I explained to her that this boy is only 15 Yrs old.. and she is 17 Yrs old (she will be 18 Yrs old in 2 weeks) and that spells trouble for her.. This boy keeps texting her and she has even picked him up and drives him to school... His father allows it and even allows his son to have older teenage girls over to his house with his son.. (The boys parents are divorced and he lives with his father) We told her no and stuck to our answer..(she asked while we were locking up the family business for the night) her dad drove his truck home and I followed in my SUV.. The daughter jumped in the backseat refusing to sit up front with me on the way home and then she stormed into the house saying.. "I will be 18 in two weeks and an adult to make my own decisions"
    Caring_mom_45

    Comment by Caring_mom_45 (original poster) at 12:01 AM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • Shes a senior this year.. Very very beautiful girl... Honor/Merit student... but threatening to quit school in 2 weeks and move out when shes 18 yrs old if we dont allow her to make her own decisions.. My heart is just aching..
    Caring_mom_45

    Comment by Caring_mom_45 (original poster) at 12:03 AM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • Then allow her to grow up. Give her responsibilities. Give her space. Having rules isn't bad but it sounds like you are smothering the poor girl. All these years you should have been teaching her bit by bit on how to act like a responsible adult. If you think you have done that then trust her. She's right. In two weeks she can do what she wants but you can keep her at home if you lighten up and let her have some freedom from the family. I'd stick with no on the school nights but allow her to do more on weekends. You can't take your grief out on her. I'm not being mean. I'm just saying it sounds like you are almost punishing her from your fear of her getting hurt like her sister. Odds are it won't happen twice in one family.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:09 AM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • You sound like a very loving mother, who has been through more heartache than anyone ever should. Have you tried getting your daughter to listen while you explain very openly and honestly exactly how you feel? It might not help, but it's worth a try. Teenagers do move away from their parents, emotionally, and that is natural. She needs independance at that age. But here you are terrified that something might happen to her, so you don't want to let go. You need to be honest with yourself about her needs too. But I feel that open communication is key. As you say, she locks herself away and avoids you, but maybe you can find a time, casually, to try opening up to her. It's going to be hard for you to give her more space and independance, so tell her that and why. But also agree to try to compromise and try to give her the freedom she yearns. And stop paying her bills . At her age, she should be wanting to pay her way.
    judimary

    Answer by judimary at 12:11 AM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • This is in reply to Anonymous 7 minutes ago that said " Having rules isn't bad but it sounds like you are smothering the poor girl." If you had read my 1st posting it does say " they take the car and always look for places to go" so shes "NOT" Smothered.. shes always picking up her friends going tanning, getting their nails done.. Running to Coffee shops.. out to eat... so Smothered Not... BUT.. sometimes we dont feel she is making the right decisions Like for instance.. Wanting to go to a 15 Yr old boys house to hang out when shes 17 yrs old... The boy likes her.. and One thing could lead to another.. where SHE would be the one getting into trouble.... I describe myself as a helicopter mom because while her friends are at Drunken parties... I say "NO" (I know the pain of losing a child to a drunk driver) Sometimes I believe as a parent you need to intervene even when they are 17 Yrs old.. at some level.
    Caring_mom_45

    Comment by Caring_mom_45 (original poster) at 12:27 AM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • My 17 Yr old daughter who was killed by a drunk driver, Was spending the night at a friends house.. when she got a call from a guy friend that she knew.. who said he was going to commit suicide that night.. My daughter woke her friends mom up and told her, which that mom knew the guy so she drove my daughter to a party that was in full swing to talk him out of it... It lead into a fight which had her walking into town to get a ride back to her friends house when she was struck and killed... Wrong place at the wrong time... She shouldve been at her friends house in bed where she was safe... (and thats right where she was when she got the call) But that other mother was irresponsible to drive her to another town and drop her off to talk to the guy... (That mother did that because she knew the guy) and was hoping my daughter would talk him out of suicide.. well needless to say.. BOTH were killed as they fought beside the road.
    Caring_mom_45

    Comment by Caring_mom_45 (original poster) at 12:33 AM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • I do understand why you feel this way. Have you ever told her what happened with your oldest daughter? She does need some responsibilities like paying her cellphone bill, and at least part of her car insurance, and car payment. Reality is going to hit her hard when it happens. Wanting to go to a 15 yr old boys house at 10:30 at night would definitely be a no in my book. I don't care what night of the week it is.

    Even though she may be turning 18 in a couple of weeks, doesn't give her the right to do what she wants to do. If it was me, as long as she lives in my house, she would live according to the rules and if she doesn't like it, she can move out. I know it's hard but life doesn't always give you what you want. She needs to realize that.
    amessageofhope

    Answer by amessageofhope at 12:37 AM on Feb. 7, 2011

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