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2 Bumps

Am I Overreacting Or Is There A Serious Problem?

I'll try to keep this short. My husband and I have only been married 3 and a half months. We are both young, 22/24 and both lived sheltered lives. Both of us never had a real relationship before each other except online flings in a game.. The thing is, we met online as well, in a game. I was 16 going on 17 at the time and he just turned 19. We've been friends for almost 6 years now, and seeing each other for 4 of those years. We had several rough patches during our online dating in a game. He lied to me about an ex gf (online as well) and it took a while to recover. Then he lied to me about keeping a girls phone # on his phone and this was when we were seeing each other irl. He also lied about keeping other girls names and crushes as his passwords instead of changing them to something else after he knew it kind of bugged me, instead he just lied and said he'd changed them. I never asked him to, I was just a little hurt over it for a while. Shit like this went on intermittenly, not back to back or enough to get me fed up all at once...we'd fight, make up, be happy for awhile and then it'd happen again. He's a bad liar and I am usually always able to see right through him, or so I thought.....

Anyway, fast forward to present. I am 18 weeks pregnant with our first child and while it was unplanned and a horrible shock, he was all for a baby...he talked about trying on our honeymoon. He's under some stress with work stuff and I'm trying to back off but he's lying again! He lied to me about a coworker contacting him...I don't like her, and it's his fault really, he caused there to be issues and conflict and now he doesn't like her either cause she really is a trouble maker...so why lie about her contacting him when he didn't even respond to her? Then he told me he was sorry and begged me to try to make it work after he's lied countless times and learned that it's a form of betrayal I don't like and don't forgive easily. I finally decided to work it out, we're young and new to marriage and there is a baby coming (which he isn't interested in most of the times it seems...) so anyway, he's been working hard to pass this exam for work and I've kind of been staying out of the way. I'm miserable on some levels, I left my family and moved far away and he doesn't help me with this huge expensive house that HE wanted and I work my ass off to take care of things and he doesn't care. He won't even shovel the snow on my side of the driveway so I have no way of getting out in an emergency...
Anyway he has taken to playing the card game bridge with a couple coworkers, which is fine. But now he's either playing bridge online with random people/his dad/or a coworker, or he's playing PS3 COD Modern Warfare with my sister or my dad. I go to bed alone etc but I haven't said a word about it. Tonight, 1am rolls around and I wake from a bad dream about my great aunt (she died of cancer on Christmas and it was hard cause we were very close) and he wasn't in bed. I got up to see if something with his exam studying was taking a turn for the worst cause he has to turn it in Monday night...and he quickly clicked out of "something" on the computer. Told me he was "finishing up and be in soon" I was like ok...but he wears glasses, I saw it in the reflection of what looked to be bridge. I didn't get too upset, I thought maybe he was clicking out anyway. I was about to go back to bed when I heard him grumbling about one of our cats who must have slipped in there when I opened the door so I went back to ask him if he wanted me to get the cat and he secretly and quickly exited the bridge page again!! I told him he was a liar and went to sleep in the guest room, he came and told me he wasn't lying, that he had just finished up...but he had already portrayed it out as he was still working, not playing bridge therefore I call it a lie. I am now angry but staying calm for the baby...but I don't know what to do. I can't trust him because if he can lie and hide and sneak around about this, what else is he lying about? In fact, I don't even know why he hid this from me, I haven't even given him shit for always playing! He's not even "protecting my feelings" in this case, he's just saving his own ass...from what? Guilt that he's playing bridge rather than studying? That becase of this he could lose his job if he fails the exam? I mean I don't get it. What the heck is he hiding for?

Anyway basically that whole entire story that is longer than I had hoped leads to my question. Is this sort of lying something more serious than just the little white lies people tell to get out of a sticky situation? Do I need to be worried? I feel like I can't talk to him and I feel like he's making this pregnancy difficult. I don't think he's cheating, he always comes home to me, etc but I just don't trust him. I have anxiety so of course when he lied my heart races, I shake and have shortness of breath etc and I feel like something needs to be fixed for both our sakes... But then sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm hormonal, holding onto the past and overreacting. Can someone please share some advice? Thanks!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:54 AM on Feb. 7, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (5)
  • WOW that's allot seems like there is no trust in the relationship if he feel the need to lie about the small things he will definitely lie about the bigger things your not over reacting follow your gut if somethings tell you something is wrong then it is! In a relationship it is all about give and take and it kind of seems like he is just take take take don't stay in an unhappy situation do whats best for you and your child

    ExtremlyUnique

    Answer by ExtremlyUnique at 2:59 AM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • He's definitely the type of guy who tells white lies. That doesn't mean it's ok but that also doesn't mean he can't change it. The million dollar question is, will he change it. The key to a successful relationship is communication. You have to seriously sit down and calmly tell him how you feel in a loving concerned way. If he doesn't care or acknowledge his faults then you have a problem. There's nothing worse then trying to change something about someone when they see nothing wrong with it. Let him know he can be honest with you though, if he feels he can't come to you with things that won't help you with what you want in return. I say talk to him and see the reaction. If it's a negative reaction ask yourself, what do you deserve and what's your worth? If a man can't respect your emotional feelings what can he do? You are pregnant and these emotions will only get worse so you need to be with someone who will help you out.!
    ohprettymommy

    Answer by ohprettymommy at 3:01 AM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • Wow, sounds like a rough time. I'm sorry you're dealing with this while pregnant! It's hard to answer since I don't know you at all but based on what you shared, imo little lies can be just as damaging as big ones. It's hard to be constantly lied to and feel like you have trust, and trust is SO important in a relationship, especially in a new marriage with a baby on the way.

    There are lots of guys out there who say they want kids and probably truly do, but when it actually happens to them it can take a little while for reality to sink it. I'm sure you're both under tons of stress from life in general but now that you're pregnant, he's probably worrying even more about how to take care of you, how things will change between you, what being a Dad is going to be like...etc. Try to have a heart to heart about the lying, take some deeps breaths for yourself + baby and don't hesitate to contact me if you'd like to talk more
    ShainaMay

    Answer by ShainaMay at 3:02 AM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • it doesnt seem like there is trust between you and him. it'll most likely end badly but you guys can work on it. try counsling. once the baby is born it will be so much harder to work on your relationship.
    Brooke505

    Answer by Brooke505 at 3:08 AM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • sorry, i couldn't get past you met in a game. whatever these ladies say......
    mama2bof2

    Answer by mama2bof2 at 5:42 AM on Feb. 7, 2011

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