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Has anyone had issues with alot of the responsibility of stepchild more on you than on the mother?

Im having some problems with my 9 yr old step daughter and the responsiblity that Im undertaking that her own mother isnt dealing with. Sometimes im angry about it, and want to make sure I handle it the right way. My own daughter is 22, and Ive been in this relationship for 6 years, and at times Im feeling upset that Im undertaking more of the mom role that her own mom has.

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Asked by Anonymous at 10:21 AM on Feb. 7, 2011 in General Parenting

Answers (9)
  • Does she live with her mom or her dad?

    I would say, if at all possible, just step up & be a mom to her. It's sad that her own mom doesn't want to handle the responsibility, Why isn't her dad handling it? Without knowing what the problems are it's hard to answer but:

    Instead of resenting the responsibility, I think I would embrace this as an opportunity to take a more important role in her life & be closer. At some point this girl will be aware of who did what & will love & appreciate you for it & so will her father.

    My oldest is 28 & mine from a previous marriage. I met my husband when he was 4, married when he was 5. My ex showed up sporadically, but really didn't do any of the "father" things. My husband just picked up those responsibilities & at this point, if you ask him about his dad, he assumes you mean my husband. My husband coached his little league. Went to school conferences with me, discipline & loved him.

    Answer by ohwrite at 10:41 AM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • Does she live with mom or dad? The step parent that the child lives with often does take more of a "parent" role then the bio parent. For example, my fiance' is more of a dad to my dd then her BF is because he is ther for her so much more. If this is a case of dad took mom to court and got custody then is it really fair for dad to have custody and mom is expected to do have the raising? I guess we need more info to answer this.

    Answer by JLS2388 at 10:55 AM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • I couldn't have put it better than ohwrite.

    Answer by SheIsMySunrise at 10:58 AM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • Remind yourself that you are doing this for the benefit of the child, not for the benefit of the lazy mom.

    Answer by LoveMyDog at 10:59 AM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • IF her real mother isn't going to be there for her as a mother should... I think it would be very noble of you to pick up the slack so she doesn't feel abandoned or unwanted.

    Look... My daughter is from my first marriage.... MIND you there was a protection order against him for him to stay away from my daughter...for 5 years.

    He still pays child support (a whopping 16 dollars a week).

    MY current husband knew that by being with me and by marrying me he was also moving into that empty spot in our lives. He decided (and it is a personal decision)... to be a daddy to my daughter.

    He didn't have to love my daughter then or now the way he cares for her, the way he sees her (as HIS). But he made that choice to fill that spot as Daddy.

    It's a shame, a very terrible shame..that there are so many deadbeat parents out there that care nothing for their biological children and basically abandon their needs emotionally or physically

    Answer by Randomosity2 at 11:15 AM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • continuing:

    It is ultimately your choice. And I can totally understand why you would be upset... it upsets me (even though.. I don't really want him near my daughter) that my ex husband wants nothing to do with a daughter we made.

    And it wasn't me... nor was it the protection order... which allowed him to still send gifts and cards to our daughter...because he begged the judge for it.

    Do you know how many cards or gifts she's gotten from him since our divorce was final in 2001, 10 years....

    NONE. Not one single one.

    I don't understand the reasons for parents disregarding their children like that... but it happens.

    And no it isn't right and it isn't fair to the child.

    Answer by Randomosity2 at 11:20 AM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • thank you all for your comments. My SD lives with both parents. shes as much at our home as at her moms, although the past couple of months she has been with us more than her mom. Ive been running into alot of issues with clothes, i know it sounds funny, but we buy her clothes all the time and they all end up at her moms. When SD is back with us she is sent in rags, and im constantly told that her mom hasnt washed her clothes. Shes always promising to do things with her daughter, but never comes through on it, and we are then left to pick up the pieces cause SD is disappointed and upset. Ive talked to her dad, and he basically says that hes tried talking to mom, but doesnt get anywhere with it. That i will have to learn to deal with it. I just feel that I dont have much control with the situation, and it bothers me.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:41 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • We also had problems with my ex. He would say he was coming to pick up our son, then not show up, or call after he should have been there. He did those things to hurt me, unfortunately he hurt his son as well.

    Like your husband I also tried talking to my ex, but it didn't help. We did adjust. 1 year it was his year to have my son for his birthday, so we had planned our celebration before he left with his dad, then his dad never showed up & we unexpectedly had him for his birthday. I was excited to have him for his birthday, but of course had to plan something special at the last minute, something good enough to distract him from the fact that his dad didn't show up.

    As a teenager, his dad tried to tell him that I had turned our son against him & my son told him. "No she didn't, she couldn't have turned me against you, you did that on your own. I've lived with her my whole life, I know what she did & I know you did...."

    Answer by ohwrite at 2:48 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • Anyway, it was rough those years that we had to deal with the ex, but my son did know who had done what. I imagine it's really hard for the "step" parent. I know that I appreciate everything my husband did for my son & I. That he he always did what he would have done for his own child, put my son's needs 1st before his own. It has paid off in so many ways. My son respects him, considers him his father of course loves him. I appreciate & love my husband for just being a father to my son.

    I know you still have a lot of years to deal w/ this & I know how frustrating & upsetting it is to deal with. Since your own child is an adult, I don't have to tell you that these years will go by faster than you realize & all of a sudden the weight you are carrying on your shoulders now will be lifted, this will be over, but the relationship you build with your husband & 9 yr old daughter, will be stronger based on what you do now.


    Answer by ohwrite at 2:57 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

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