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How could your friends and family have helped you when going through a miscarriage?

I own a miscarriage support group and have for several years. One of the most common complaints is that friends and family have not offered enough support during a miscarriage or throughout any subsequent losses.

My question to those who have suffered from one or more miscarriages, is what would have helped you move past your grief? What could your friends and family have done for you to make life a little better during one of the most difficult times in your life? Were there things that people said that made things worse for you? Did someone do something amazing for you that helped you?

Thank you so much for your replies.

 
SnapdragonSMT

Asked by SnapdragonSMT at 12:40 PM on Feb. 7, 2011 in Trying to Conceive

Level 16 (2,976 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • I had one and even though it was early on I hated people saying.. oh there was probably something wrong with the baby, oh better now than later.. blah blah... that stuff didnt make me feel any better no matter how true it was. All I really wanted was someone to sit with me and just be with me.. watch a stupid movie, let me cry, try to make me laugh. Unless I wanted to talk about it.. dont talk about it
    zperez0809

    Answer by zperez0809 at 1:00 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • ~*Honestly*~ I prefered that they stop treating me like I were cripple?!?! I know it sounds weird, and everyone grieves in their own way... but all the "I'm sorry for your loss" and so forth seemed/felt fake. Those that have not expirienced it cn not even begin to know what was going on... and I still have moments fantasizing about what it would have been like (far and few between), but for me the best thing those I know could do is... leave me alone!!! I will snap out of it, in my own time, just stop giving the pat on the back and cliche words?
    MommaClark3

    Answer by MommaClark3 at 12:52 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • My biggest thing that bothered me was that I actually went into labor and i HAD a baby boy, I heard his heartbeat right before he was born stillborn. although he was only 2.5 oz. he was my baby baby boy and i had the contractions and pain and complications that all women do when having a baby. After I lost my baby people acted like it was an everyday occurrence that everyone goes through it and that a miscarriage is something that happens and then never talked about again. I was pissed! my baby was born into this world I went to his funeral although it was with other miscarried babies. I held my baby and to me when people ask how many kids I have have i will always include him. He is up in heaven waiting for his family. and now that have a 3 yr old little boy he knows that he has an older brother who in heaven waiting for us.

    brooklyndm

    Answer by brooklyndm at 4:01 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • I have had 6, and two of those were middle of the second trimester. There is nothing anyone can do to help with the actual grief, and I found that most "words" that people said really only made me more upset. The ones who were helpful came to my home without calling. They knocked on my door, came in with their hands full of food or things to occupy the children, and then they did some household chores without asking or saying a word. Then sometimes they sat next to me and just held my hand or embraced me.
    misses_nick

    Answer by misses_nick at 12:52 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • I wish someone had visited and was a good listener if I wanted to talk. Not be judgemental or offer solutions, just be ready to listen.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:53 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • Our friends have been so supportive by just caling us to check in every week to see how we are doing and if they can do anything to help. I have found my mother in law to be supportive also and she is praying that we can one day finally get pregnant and have this baby survive (as this is m/c #2 in 8 months) but my own mom has a different approach. I haven't taken offense to it but rather disregarded some of what she says as it just isn't always that encouraging.
    We do have 2 healthy children whom we adopted when they were infants and we love them to death! But, now that we have been surprised to finally get pregnant 9 years of TTC later, my mom has told me that maybe we aren't to 'have' a child and just to be grateful for the 2 we have. I see her point somewhat but all I have ever wanted with the loss of these 2 babies was for her to just listen and to be compassionate about these 2 children that I had also hoped for.
    miraclewaits

    Answer by miraclewaits at 3:27 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • (cont. from above)
    We love our 2 children so much but we have also been 'thinking' about a 3rd so when this happened very unexpectedly, we were thrilled as were our 2 kids! They have wanted this too as we are very open with them about their adoptions and know that they were loved enough to be given to us and that we love them so much and are so glad to be given the opportunity to parent them!
    My mom suffered one m/c at 3 1/2 months along so I really thought she would be more empathetic towards me as I have been strong throughout the process but do like to talk about it to those that want to know what I have gone through (mostly to support them in their losses as well) and it has been so good for me to do this and not keep it bottled up inside.
    miraclewaits

    Answer by miraclewaits at 3:31 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • brooklyndm - I had a good friend lose a baby last year and there was a beautiful funeral service.

    Of course everyone is different and I can't really know, but I think memorializing the life would be wonderful no matter what stage of pregnancy the child is lost. If there can't be a "real funeral" there are other things that could be done. I have a Christmas ornament.
    angelm523

    Answer by angelm523 at 4:29 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • My Mother is law said the worst thing, "It's what God wants" that made me feel horrible!
    The internet helped me the most. I found a guestbook to a baby boy that was stillborn at 6 mo. I cried uncontrolably. It made me look at my situation differently.
    I misscarried at 6wks, and again at 12wks. I cannot imagine going 6mo then losing the baby!
    I guess what my friends and family could have done to make it easier is just talk to me about it. Instead, everyone is afraid to mention it for feare that you will start to cry.
    I stayed in the house for 2wks, on the couch with my cat, he helped more than anyone!
    Linda1012

    Answer by Linda1012 at 6:47 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

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