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Help a step mother/financee

I have been with a man with a 5 year old daughter for a year. We recently became engaged and are planning on getting married but he does not want to set a date for 6 months because he says he wants to enjoy it and also because of money. However, over the weekend he told me that he wants to take his ex-wife back to court for more custody in the spring. I became very upset because he told me we could not get married this year because of finances but he is taking her back to court which will require money. He is calling me selfish because I am thinking of myself and the wedding (Ihave never been married and do not have children and he has done both) and not his child and the situation she has been through. I'm not sure how to handle this situation. Please help....

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Asked by Anonymous at 12:51 PM on Feb. 7, 2011 in General Parenting

Answers (10)
  • i think if he is trying to get more time with his child you need to respect that... and I understand that you wnat to have a wedding and you deserve to have one but in his eyes this might take priority over a wedding. Be patient and understanding and your time iwll come

    Answer by zperez0809 at 12:56 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • You're in a tough spot. I understand your position. The thing, though, is that you're going to marry a father and his child will always be a priority. As a mother, I can't imagine putting anyone ahead of my kids - if they needed time to get used to an idea or if I needed to use my financial resources to fight for them in some way, you darn well better believe *THAT* would be the priority. You're not marrying a man. You're marrying a man and his child. Frankly, if the man I married had had a child before we met and he decided he'd rather use his money to marry me than to pursue more time with his child, I'd walk away. Maybe that's not the way you see it, but as someone that always wanted children, it was important to find a mate that would be good at fatherhood. A parent sometimes puts their things on hold or makes sacrifices for their kid. Your BF is doing that. I'd be more concerned if he wasn't.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:58 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • He is also saying I may have to wait for a child of my own with him in the future if he does not get custody back. I feel like he lied to me as to why he wanted to wait to have a wedding this year.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:00 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • I understand your frustration. However, I agree with the other posters. Your marrying a father - his child is a priority and she should be. You're walking into a family - not a couple. As a parent, there are often things you want that take a backseat to what your child needs. There are concessions and accommodations. This is your first taste of it on a grand scale. It's a good test of what is to come - not that you'll always be 2nd banana, but there are going to be times when you want something and your step daughter's needs are going to trump it.

    The wedding will come. It just may take some time. If you love him, you make it work.


    Answer by ldmrmom at 1:05 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • Its good to know these things ahead of time. You have to give him credit for that. I would want to know how long you are expected to wait for your own child, & how his custody arrangments with his 1st child effects having a child w/ you? I do think it's great that he wants to be more involved in his child's life. You have to decide if you can play 2nd fiddle to his 1st child or find a way to form a new family unit that makes all 3 of you happy. GL

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 1:09 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • Seems he is more pre-occupied with his ex,give him plenty of room.ask him what is more important going to court or you?Seems he should be able to handle all of it.May be using it as an excuse.Good Luck

    Answer by grismelda at 1:29 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • Grismelda - personally I'd worry big time if a man chose me in an "it's me or the kid" ultimatum. Isn't that what you're really suggesting? What's more important "Getting more time with your daughter or marrying me?" My brother has done that with his wife - his step daughter is monster child. His wife gets few things right in parenting. I don't like her nor agree with her 99% of the time. The one time my bro told her "its me or the kid" though, he was told given that choice, he'd never win. It's the only time I've agreed with Bitch-in-law.

    Maybe he can't handle all of it. It's hard to say based on a little blurb on line. I have no idea what this couple's finances look like. Maybe if the OP will elope or go small in the wedding there's enough or both. If she wants a big wedding or a standard wedding there may not be.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:42 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • time to get out of that relations go find someone who has never had kids or grown already to not worry about it.

    Answer by brieri at 8:40 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • You need to understand that his children will always come before you. It is your decision whether or not you can live with this

    Answer by rkoloms at 5:41 AM on Feb. 8, 2011

  • Well I'm not going to leave the situation. We get along very well other than the situation with his daughter. I realize this will be with this and other situations will continue to arise. I just need to know/learn how to deal with things when they come up. I guess I didn't realize how hard things could and will be. Has anyone else been in this type of situation?

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 8:10 AM on Feb. 8, 2011

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