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He wants his sister to move in with us....not sure what to do

my husband was just found by his mother, brother and sister that he has seen in years..his mother and sister 20 years, his brother 10...long story...but they are all talking again. love eachother...they are very welcoming to me, calling me sis etc. they are good people. his sister is 25, just lost a lot of weight and has some major confidence issues...she never starts school when she says she is going to from what he tells me and pretty much he wants to dive head first into big brotherhood...we live in europe (military family) we are buying her a plane ticket to visit, now he is saying he wants to have her stay long enough to help her get over her confidence problems and really find a goal for her life and reconnect...and he is talking like months upon months...he wont say exact time but she said like 2 months and he said good start, but a lot longer.. ..we live in a small 2 bdrm apt, she would have our couch , pretty much due to the size of the place privacy is gone, we can't even have sex unless she is passed out cold and even then..i can hear ourneighbors having sex sometimes ...so their goes our sex life, I want to say no......i dont think i would be happy or comfortable, but if i say no he is going to be hurt and probably mad...if i say yes, im not going to feel like it is my home anymore and i wont be able to just be myself anymore. and he might give her his gi bill even though he told me absolutely not cso i'll have to get loans for graduate school in a couple years once my bachelors is done..what would you do?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:56 PM on Feb. 7, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • I think you both need to discuss this, it is not just his decision because it ultimately affects your entire household. He is trying to make up for lost time, but he cannot fix everything. Perhaps she could stay for a couple weeks, if she wants to stay longer maybe you guys could help her find something on her own, which in turn could build her confidence and make him happy. Try using that confidence building to your advantage because being self sufficient will do that for her.
    2boysnaprincess

    Answer by 2boysnaprincess at 4:01 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • Just be completely honest with him. Discuss all of your concerns openly and honestly. I understand him wanting to help her and all, he sounds like a great guy with a big heart. However maybe he doesn't realize just how much this will effect you and your life. Does she realize she will be sleeping on a couch in a very tiny apt? Explain to her how small it is and how you can hear everything, even your neighbors. In this case I'd say open honesty with everyone involved is your best bet. Good luck.
    jade_Aidan

    Answer by jade_Aidan at 4:01 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • plus he needs to be careful that she is not gonna take advantage of him and think about that GI bill thing before he signs it over to her.
    2boysnaprincess

    Answer by 2boysnaprincess at 4:02 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • Tell him what you just told us. Discuss, talk with him, not at him. Tell him you have reservations, fears, questions. Sis will not be happy on the couch for long. I always tried to "fix" everyone else's problems. Sometimes you just shouldn't or can't. If she can't solve her problems where she is, she probably won't solve them overseas either. Moving doesn't solve the problem and sometimes makes it worse. Try the visit, see how it goes, but agree beforehand to NOT invite her to stay until you both see how it's going to work out. Unless you both agree, it shouldn't happen. Could break up the marriage and ruin family ties.
    Kimimale

    Answer by Kimimale at 4:04 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • i no how u feel and ur right to feel that way so think hard i currently have my 2 sisters and neice living with me and my sister bf is over alot. im so glad they moving this week but now the hubby moms want to move in so she can locate to our state ugh so u no i have no sex life hahahaha one cum they all going find a way to come and of course her guest and company so think hard!!!
    kai302

    Answer by kai302 at 4:11 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • i told him that i felt cornered because if i say no..im the bad guy and the whole family now knows that im the hesitant one...way to make first introductions. i told him i felt like if i say yes, i wont be happy...but he is still talking to them about all of this and coming up with more ways to help her like...i told him i need time to let this settle in and i feel like if i say no...his heart is going to drop out of his chest. she knows about the situation, she doesnt care about it with it being small etc. and honestly it does kinda erk me that he refused to help me and get me his gi bill, but he is willing to give it to her and he just found her again a week ago...we don't really know how she is yet and according to the other brother she gives up super easily. she ilkes to party al il and their is nothing wrong with that, but we are homebodies, we dont party anymore, rarely drink. we like it quiet. i just dont want this
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:23 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • but i know it would mean the world to him..and i would get a huge thank you once and then i would be bending over backwards, our family would be sacrificing for her.....and i would be the role i always am...the super supportive one who gives up anything...i do not want it..i want her to visit..but not live with us, i dont want anyone living with us.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:27 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • I think you need to find some middle ground here and your husband needs to stop and consider that he may be trying to compensate for a lost past by making all of these plans for the future. He is putting a lot of expectations on his sister- not the least of which is that she wants to make changes in her life. Maybe she doesn't, she is 25 not 15 and has had time to get it together on her own. He may be able to help her some but he is setting himself up for disaster to think he can move her in with him, in a new country, and give her a life makeover. It just isn't that easy. A good compromise would be to have her come for a week or so and see how it goes, when she leaves the two of you can talk about possible arrangements in the future. I am all for family, but without having someone for the week how can you know they will make a good roommate? You are his family, too, and he has obligations to you that come first. Good luck!
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 4:35 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • I would say no. You don't know this woman. How do you know she is not a criminal or something? Why would he tell you, you can't have the GI Bill but, give to her? I realize that this is his sister but, he needs to get to know her first before letting her into your home.
    matthewscandi

    Answer by matthewscandi at 5:26 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • My mom always said that two families can't live together!!! I'd tell your husband that you are happy that he has found his family after all these years, and as much as you want to help, you cannot handle having his sister live with you.
    Bethsunshine

    Answer by Bethsunshine at 5:57 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

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