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If I buy my child clothes, why does my ex think he can give them away when she is done with them? (vent)

I have a 11 year old dd who I have custody of. She lives with me and my husband most of the time and goes to her dad's house one weekend a month from Friday after school to Sunday at 6 (unless she is off school monday or friday, then he gets her for the extra time). Well this past weekend, she has friday off so he picked her up on thursday. I packed her 5 oufits plus PJs for the long weekend. Her winter clothes are getting to be a little small on her but they still fit ok (not too tight or short, it's just if she grows anymore they will be) but we live in Fl so we really only have a couple more weeks of winter left anyway and then she will be in a whole new wardrobe (even now, we are wearing short sleve shirts and jeans half the time). Well about an hour after her dad picked her up, he calls me saying "why the HELL are all her clothes too small? This is CRAP, I work too hard for my dd to wear clothes that are too small, if you are going to do this, you need to give me back every dime of child support I have paid in the last 6 months" Now again they do still fit, her jeans don't show her socks and she can button them still and the shirts all meet her wrists and the top of her pants. The funny thing is that his dd he has with his new wife wears clothes that are too small for her all the time, I am talking like 2 sizes too small! I explained to him that while yes, she is starting to outgrow them, she will only be wearing them a couple more weeks, I also reminded him that he only pays $76 a month and while he paid this last month, he missed the 2 before that and September that he has never caught up on. He got mad and hung up. Well my dd came home last night saying that her dad had taken all the clothes that she had with her (except the clothes on her back) and gave them to her half sister because he said they were too small, and she needed to give them to her. I was PISSED because I buy her NICE clothes (Justice, Children's Place you get it) and I always hand her clothes down to my cousins kids because they have 3 girls who are a couple years younger (and all three of their girls end up wearing them). I called my ex and his wife answered and said all snotty kind of ha ha kind of way, "thanks for the clothes, now I don't have to buy my dd anything next winter". I said, I didn't give them to anyone, I sent them for my dd to wear" she said "she has outgrown them so why shouldn't my dd have them?" I explained to her that 1. they still fit my dd 2. I always give them to my cousin for his kids because they don't have much money and have 3 girls that would use them, then I said 'really, your dd only gets 5 oufits"? She told me that she was keeping them and I told her then fine then she needs to tell my ex that he needs to pay those 3 months worth of child support that he missed (in our county, if I report 3 months of missing child support within 12 months, he will have 10 days to come up with all of it or go to jail, and then pay it) and they need to go out and buy my dd some new clothes to wear over there because I am not sending another thing. She said I am heartless if I do that because that would leave them without enough to pay their bills or give their ds a birthday party. I said really, $225 for back child support plus maybe $50 for new clothes is that much? Well then I guess you should learn not to take what doesn't belong to you." To be honest, we don't need the child support in the least, I stay at home and my husband makes good money ( we are not rich or anything but we have everything we need a quite a bit of what we want, and we never depend on the child support), I know they do struggle, the have 3 children together, the 10 year old girl and 2 boys. However, I can't have her thinking that she has some kind of right to anything my dd brings over that her dd wants, they have also kept some dvds before which is why now my dd is only allowed to bring clothes and school books for homework over there. This has me so angry, my ex misses his child support payments prob 3 to 4 times a year (they are monthly payments) but I usually don't say anything but I am starting to feel like their children aren't my problem. They had 2 our of their children after he was ordered child support, this may sound mean but I feel like if they couldn't afford to have more children and pay $75 a month, they prob shouldn't have had more children. Plus the only reason I got child support is because he went to court for visitation, so while we were there, I asked for child support. I am also thinking about saying if we continue to have these kinds problems, I am going to hand him half the bill for my dd's braces ($3000, total) because our court order says he is supposed to pay half of medical and dental (she is on my husband's insurance as my ex doesn't even get insurance through his work).

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:26 PM on Feb. 7, 2011 in Parenting Debate

Answers (15)
  • No, I wouldn't send her with any more clothing.  And yes, I would make him pay his unpaid child support.  That was rude and uncalled for.  Even if the clothes were 10 times too small, they didn't buy them and it's not their decision to make to give them away.

    MrsHouston47302

    Answer by MrsHouston47302 at 7:32 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • My children all wear nice clothing also and let me tell ya, his 76 bucks a month does NOT cover that period so I think you are already being more then generous.

    MrsHouston47302

    Answer by MrsHouston47302 at 7:33 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • wow, 76 bucks! he's getting off easy and he can buy clothes for his house. i don't pack clothing for my son to wear at his dad's and i NEVER will. it's his job to provide for the kid while he's there, and he knows that. i HATE when his "step" daughter gets the other girls' clothes (apparently so do the other moms, he's got three mother's to deal with 4 kids, i know). i hear you here! my ex's gf gives her daughter the nice clothes that are supposed to be for the other girls so the moms stopped providing clothes. SERIOUSLY MEN!
    angevil53

    Answer by angevil53 at 7:38 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • I guess I can see both sides. You paid for them and he shouldn't just take them. But at the same time it sounds like they don't have much money and their daughter really needs clothes, and those were his daughter's clothes so he's just passing them down from one of his daughters to his other daughter. I wouldn't send you daughter without clothes next time because that is punishing her, not them. What does your daughter think about it? They're her clothes and it's her sister, does she want to pass her clothes on to her younger sister? I've never had to deal with divorce and all of issues as an adult, but I did come from a situation like this, and even though I only saw her twice a year I loved my step mom and my step sister and these kinds of issues (thankfully there weren't many) where very difficult and painful to me. I would say for the sake of your daughter just let it go as long as it doesn't continue happening.
    mybella81

    Answer by mybella81 at 7:42 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • Their daughter needing clothes is not your concern in my opinion.

    MrsHouston47302

    Answer by MrsHouston47302 at 8:16 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • mybella81, I don't just throw away her old clothes or anything, I give them to my cousin for his girls, he has three that are within a couple of years of my dd (10 , 9, and 7) so they get more use out of the clothes because they are used by 3 girls instead of one, financially, they are about the same as my ex. I feel that I buy the clothes for my dd, they are her's to use until she outgrows them but after that it's my choice where they go, not him. The fact of the matter is though, she has not outgrown them yet, that was almost half her clothes and she would have been fine in that size for a couple more weeks but now I am gonna have to go buy her some more things. I don't want to punish my dd but I also don't want to end up supplying my ex's dd's clothes for the next year. I feel bad that my dd can't bring any games or toys or anything there, but when she does the other girl takes them and my ex won't make her give them back
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:35 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • I dont blame you on any of that. $76 dollars doesnt not go far at all. And he has skipped many months so your the main supplier of the clothes. and not to mention just about everything else too. And you had a good point the clothes would have been fine for a few more weeks. I would hate to have to go buy more winter clothes just for a few weeks when you'll be buying even more soon enough. and his check isnt going to help much. And it doesnt matter what his family situation is. You arent meant to support his family. I have a friend in almost the same situation. But its kinda backwards. The son comes to them twice a month and they pay like 500 a month to his mom and never comes with clothes. And the clothes he goes home in of course never get returned. they live off of his child support check no joke. its horrible. but anywayz i wish you the best and hope you get everything resolved!!!
    jbond83

    Answer by jbond83 at 9:56 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • I wasn't trying to offend you, I was just trying to give a different perspective and think about it from his point of view. I definately think it's wrong of them to just take them and I'm sure I would be angry if it were me. I didn't realize they were half your daughter's clothes though, that also makes a difference. I love kids clothes and I always overbuy, to me 5 outfits is nothing and if I was going to give them away anyway then I would just let it go as long as it didn't happen again. But 5 outfits is a much bigger deal in your situation. I don't how how you feel about thrift stores but if it were me I would probably buy her some cheap clothes from a thrift store to be her dad's house clothes and if they stole those then I wouldn't send her with anything the next time. I just hate to have it affect her though because she's just the innocent child. But it sounds like it already is if she doesn't have enough clothes now.
    mybella81

    Answer by mybella81 at 11:14 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • mybella81, not offended at all, just want to make sure you know the whole situation. My dd goes to private school and wears a uniform except on fridays so that is why she usully only has about 10 to 12 outfits during the winter months, she only wears them 3 days a week lol. I also LOVE her clothes, during the summer she has TONS. The biggest probelm I have is my cousin counts on those clothes, his wife made about half the income and she was laid off about a year and a half ago and hasn't been able to find a job that pays even a decent amount. I just don't want to give in on this one because if I do, there will be no stopping it, they will feel like anything my dd brings over is there's. I took my dd shopping after school for new clothes, at least we got some fun out of this :), it's not her fault that they were stolen from her though she felt bad when she found out and was afraid I would think it was her fault or something :
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:50 PM on Feb. 7, 2011

  • as a parent, isn't he allowed to? When my DS outgrows clothes, we donate them. He doesn't ask my permission, he's his father. He can make a judgement call about his kid like that without my intervention :) Thats us, tho.
    Zoeyis

    Answer by Zoeyis at 6:27 AM on Feb. 8, 2011

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