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How to deal with disrespectful step kids?

I swear my step kids hate me. Bio mom and my mother in law frequently bad mouth to the kids about me. my husband sides with his mother and more or less tells me i'm on my own. kids yell at me, ignore me lie to me steal from me. treat me like house servant. i've tried talking to them. but if dad isn't around i dont exsist. if dad is around everything is sunshine and smiles very 2 faced.

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Micky423

Asked by Micky423 at 5:34 AM on Feb. 8, 2011 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 3 (23 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • Having been the step kid, can I speak up for yours? Now the situation may be different for you, but in my situation our mom and dad both told us the other one was "brain washing" us to think one way or the other. Mom got jealous and pointed out that we 'weren't invited to dad's new wedding'. We were, but it happened to be on the same day as a tour we were on for an instrumental group. We couldn't go, but we were trying to persuade either or both parents to compromise. Of course they didn't. Later mom said that Step mom was the one who didn't want us to go. Dad said for years that he didn't give it another thought after we couldn't go because of our group. Step mom claimed innocence and said SHE was the one who wanted to invite us. Needless to say we were stuck in the middle, and given a bad impression of Step mom from day 1. Later we got to meet step mom. She was okay. Started trying to call her mom. REAL mom got jealous...
    ladymomtraveler

    Answer by ladymomtraveler at 5:54 AM on Feb. 8, 2011

  • i too had a bad stepkid,,but after 4 yrs of trying to chase me off he is finaly nice to me,,lol..also my mother in law was with him trying to get rid of me,,i know becouse they both told me..it finaly got to a point to where it was up to hubby to stick up for me or i was gone..so sorry u have to live in stress..i know how u feel....if they dont live with u guys then tell hubby u dont want them there unless he is there..if they live with u..dont ask them to do anything,dont talk to them..if they make a mess leave it and tell hubby to make them mind and pick up when he gets home..its not our place for disapline.
    angelairelan

    Answer by angelairelan at 5:59 AM on Feb. 8, 2011

  • started pointing out differences in how we were treated by step mom and how she treated her own kids. IDK if my mom knew this was going on, or assumed it, but Step mom was buying her kids better stuff than us. Dad didn't speak up for us kids. (We later found out that step mom made more money than dad, and dad would make up the difference when buying us presents, if he could). So, step mom, didn't mean to not care for us as much as her own kids at first, but she inadvertently showed more care to her own, of course. And mom and dad fighting about our affections didn't make it easier, it made it harder. we just thought Step mom must actually be a bad person. We were angry with her and tried to get our dad to see how "evil" she was, and never obeyed her like we obeyed our dad or our mom. Poor lady, we put her through hell...all because of the hell our parents were putting us through.
    Your Step kids are going through a lot...
    ladymomtraveler

    Answer by ladymomtraveler at 5:59 AM on Feb. 8, 2011

  • Hopefully they will understand your point of view eventually. If not, the best you can do is try to be supportive when you have the opportunity, and try not to take it personal when they get mad. They have a choice to get mad or not, but you have to realize they're being influenced by a fight that is much bigger than them, and really isn't theirs (exept for that they lost their mommy/daddy household).
    Anyway, good luck to you. I wish I had realized all of what I just wrote to you when I was a teenager, it would have helped me understand my stepmom a lot better, and maybe not hate her so much...the good news is that I don't hate my step mom anymore (she's not actually my stepmom any more, dad and her have been divorced a few years now, but last year I finally figured out a lot of the crap we went through had nothing to do with her...it was my parents fight). Good luck.
    ladymomtraveler

    Answer by ladymomtraveler at 6:03 AM on Feb. 8, 2011

  • It seems to me like your problem is you husband, not the kids. Yes, it does seem like the children don't respect you but why should they? They are allowed to be rude or whatever they want to you. IMO you prob shouldn't be alone with them anyway because they don't respect you as an adult. I don't see this getting any better unless your husband starts taking up for you.
    JLS2388

    Answer by JLS2388 at 6:40 AM on Feb. 8, 2011

  • I really don't get why there are all these "step moms" on here complaining about how terrible their step kids are. Did you not know he had children before you married him? Did you not meet them? Put yourself in their place before you start talking about who bad they are; you are someone who has no relation to them who, in their eyes, is taking mommy's place in daddy's life. Do you ever think that maybe they aren't bad stepkids? I agree with PP, why should they respect you if they are told it is ok not to? I think you need to deal with your DH because he seems to be the disrespectful one. My son has an awlful SM. She used to yell at him and send him to his room the second his dad left because he was doing things she didn't like (plaing rated T games or running in the house) when his dad said it was OK. Instead of dealing with her DH she took it out on my child. Now, she is not allowed alone with him (court order)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:49 AM on Feb. 8, 2011

  • I would take the whole family to counseling, starting with my DH. He needs to tell his kids to respect you.
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 6:50 AM on Feb. 8, 2011

  • other anon, when we are talking about step kids become teenagers, most of them become jerks or brats for a couple years but as a step parent, you need to take the good with the bad. Teenagers live to blame other people for their problems and unhappiness and a step parent is often the ready made scapegoat. In th OP's situation, think about it this way, this is prob the first time in the children's lives where they get to treat an adult who they don't like however they want with no consiquences. Her DH should have stopped this behavior from the get go, he should have told them that they are to respect her, not as a mother, not as a parent, but as an adult in their lives. I am by no means saying she should be treated like this, I just think she is blaming the wrong person for it. I would seriously consider taking a step parenting class and asking the DH to go with her.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:02 AM on Feb. 8, 2011

  • I hated my step dad when my mom married and I was a tween. It was not personal, I just didnt like the idea of my mom being married to someone I did not like or know very well. No one bad mouthed him to me either. My bio dad was never in the picture. I think its really normal for tweens to feel this way if there was any significant amount of time with their parent when they werent married. They feel that by getting married the step parent is taking time from them that they want with their parent.

    I am remarried myself now and have a blended family. My husband made the decision not to be the step anything. He is another adult, and friend role to my kids. They have a father, and dont need two. He loves my kids and sees them as his own but dont tell my kids lol. Even with that they still didnt like the idea we married at first either.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 7:58 AM on Feb. 8, 2011

  • If your husband is siding with his mother and telling you that you our on your own with "his" children, then why are you dealing with it?

    AFter my mother and father divorced, I had a step mother that I didn't care for BUT because of the proper training that my parents taught me, I was nice to her and treated her with respect. I didn't like the fact that my parents divorced but I had to accept it as it was and go with the flow because both my parents sat down and talked with me. My point, every situation is different in a blended family but one thing that doesn't change is RESPECT. If the mother and the MIL has said bad things about you and your husband hasn't come to your defense, then he's the one that needs the reality check. You are his wife and he's suppose to support you and stand up for you...I wouldn't necessarily blame it all on the kids because they are just kids, its the grown ups in this situation.
    treasured_hope

    Answer by treasured_hope at 12:08 PM on Feb. 8, 2011

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