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My aunt had this question about her step dd

She has 4 kids (25, 22, 19 and 17) her husband who she has been married to for 10 years now has 2 (17 and 12) Her 17 year old, Jarred lives with her and the other did until they moved out on their own, his 2 live with their mother. They both have court orders with the children for visitation but they always just let them be with them when they want and be with the other parent when they want (both exs live within 20 minuets and all the children except the 12 year old drive and have their own cars, so this is never a problem). His 17 year old, heather amost never comes over unless she is being given a gift like her birthday or Christmas or if they are taking the kids clothes shopping. Well when her now 19 year old son, Robby, graduated from high school he had a 4.1 something GPA and had 2 semesters of college finished and has a 100% scholorship (including money for housing) to one of the BEST colleges in the state. He got a BIG graduation party. My aunt spent about $500 on it and paid about $1000 to go on his senior trip. Her son Jarred is on track to do just as well, if not better then him and she plans on doing the same for him. The problem is her step dd, heather asked when they would be doing her party and asked if she could have the money for her class trip. She will be graduating the same year as Jarred, only 2 weeks later but she has about a 2.0 GPA and isn't planning on going to college. This girl went to private school her whole life (my aunt's kids all went to public) and my aunt says she just doesn't think she should throw her a party and send her on a trip because she doesn't feel there is a need to celebrate the fact that in the past 10 years, her and her husband have spent about $25000 for her to barely graduate high school not go to college. Also, heather's mother is throwing her a BIG party too and is sending her on a spring break trip. Now I have to say, my aunt has ALWAYS been fair with all the children. It doesn't matter which child it is, when they are in her home, they are treated equeally and all 6 have always been welcome to come over anytime they want to. She feels that the expensive party and trip are rewards for a GREAT job and Heather is barely passing. She asked me if I thought it would be wrong if her and her husband tell Heather that they are going to give her a nice graduation gift but she won't be getting the big party or trip and explain why. I told her that would be more then fair, especially since her mom is already throwing her a party and sending her on a trip. She is so upset she will hurt feelings (she is like that, always worry about hurting someone) but her hours got cut back at work and they can't afford 2 big parties and 2 trips and she doesn't think it is fair to cut back on Jarred who has done this amazing job to give Heather a second party and trip, when really, she didn't earn the first. Please give opinions or thoughts.

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Asked by JLS2388 at 10:10 AM on Feb. 8, 2011 in Parenting Debate

Level 25 (25,280 Credits)
Answers (17)
  • Its fair the other two kids are making something of themselves and she doesn't even want to try.

    Answer by aheuszel at 10:16 AM on Feb. 8, 2011

  • I think you need to tell her how you feel. Is school a struggle for her? If so she needs to have a party and a trip.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:20 AM on Feb. 8, 2011

  • I agree with you! Heather doesn't deserve any of it because she didn't earn it. The boys did. NTM, her mother is giving her a party so, she doesn't need two.

    Answer by matthewscandi at 10:20 AM on Feb. 8, 2011

  • If so she needs to have a party and a trip.
    She is getting a party AND a trip provided by her mother. She think she deserves two of each and she doesn't especially after they have paid for private school for the step children but, the Aunt's children went to public school. The girl has been handed enough.


    Answer by matthewscandi at 10:22 AM on Feb. 8, 2011

  • I did base my kids graduation gifts on their high school success, but they knew that from the minute that they started high school. They knew what they would get if they got all A's & B's, they knew what they would get if they got any C's, and they knew what they would get if they got anything below a C when high school started. This way there was no one saying "Well you did this for my brother and not for me."

    I agree a 2.0 GPA is not much to celebrate, although I don't think what her mom does for her should have anything to do with what her dad an your aunt does. I do think it would be fair to do less than for the kids that had higher GPA's, as long as they only did the big party and trip for the kids who had the high GPA's, and didn't do that for any of the kids who didn't.

    This is tough, I don't think your aunt is being unfair, but it's hard to tell kids that after the fact, it's much easier in advance.

    Answer by ohwrite at 10:23 AM on Feb. 8, 2011

  • ANON, school was NOT a struggle for her. She is very smart she got strait As through 9th grade and took all advanced classes but starting in 10th grade she took the easiest classes she could and barely passed them because she was more interested in partying and boys. My aunt and uncle wanted to pull her out of the private school and send her to public since they paid half but the mom faught it in court and won, I have no idea how though

    Comment by JLS2388 (original poster) at 10:27 AM on Feb. 8, 2011

  • Why can't they contribute money toward the party and trip? Let her know that the party and trip is from both her mom AND dad.

    Answer by dustbunny at 10:31 AM on Feb. 8, 2011

  • Who is paying for it the aunt or the new husband? She might be able to say that she had the agreement with HER kids, and he can do what he wants with his? Although this is over just graduating... IDK

    I think the girl needs to ahve it between her mom and dad, and if they can't cover it... IDK

    If I were in her shoes I would not by any means cut back on my kids because I shacked up with a guy who's kids obviously needed more structure, boundries, and disapline?!?! She was a single mom at some point since she hooked up wth him, and her kids came out damn good, why should they suffer over some girl who probably acts as if the world owes her everything... why else would she have the nerve to demand a party because children she wasn't even raised with have one??? ~*Rude*~

    If all kids grew up under one roof, I would scream quality, but HELL NO.. let her earn what she wants in life, might fix her attitude

    Answer by MommaClark3 at 10:32 AM on Feb. 8, 2011

  • ohwrite, my aunts oldest got his GED and her second oldest graduated with a 3.0 and she got the choice of a trip or a big party and some money (plus people gave her gifts and money at the party). She chose the party. It was the same with grades in school, each child got $10 for each A $5 for each B nothing for a C and if they got anyting below a C they didn't get any money, even if the rest of the grades were As. They came up with this system because with her step kids, they could never ground them if they got bad grades cause they didn't live there and she didn't think it would be fair to ground her kids for bad grades if the step kids got away with it.

    Comment by JLS2388 (original poster) at 10:33 AM on Feb. 8, 2011

  • MamaClark, they have been married for 10 years so I wouldn't call him "new" but their money is together. They agreed on this a while ago, but now my aunt is worrying they were too hard on her (i dont think they are at all).
    Dustbunny, her mom and dad aren't on good terms and her mom wants to do it herself (with the gradparents helping). They are planning about a $250 gift either cash or something worth that.

    Comment by JLS2388 (original poster) at 10:38 AM on Feb. 8, 2011

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