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You know what I am very confused on this issue. I am a stepmom. I have been told several times I have no business watching him or taking care of him while my husband is away. That is he isn't my child. That I have no rights no punish him or anything a mother would do. BUT then I see on here when stepmoms complain about their stepchildren people say well you married both the man and his kids. You need to be a mother to those kids. Which one is it? We are told we can't be their mother then we are told we have to be their mother.
We are called stepMOMS for a reason. My stepsons mom has taught him to call me mommy. Says it's okay to punish him when needed. wants me to act like I am his real mom.
So my question is which will it be? Why can't we be moms to our stepchildren but yet we have to act like moms to them?
Like everyone says we married both the man and his children. If we have no rights ( i am not talking legally) to them then why do they all us stepMOMs?
We are allowed to love them and teach them but we aren't allowed to punish them when they break the rules. We are allowed to only be around them when their father is around. We aren't allowed to watch them when he isn't around.


Asked by mommy_of_two388 at 8:20 PM on Feb. 9, 2011 in Parenting Debate

Level 43 (154,356 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (21)
  • I am a product of a stepparent parent relationship. AND my stepmom was closer to me then my own mom was. I love her like my mom, because she IS my mom. She disciplined me when I was wrong, she taught me what was right. She was who taught me how to use makeup, how to dress like a lady, and how to treat men. She was the one who cried with me with my first kid, and the one who helped me get over my ex husband. I love her.. and I am so glad that she was in my life, I don't know what I would do without her. If you are a stepmom, and you are a parent.. be a parent.. The child will more then likely love you for it.

    Answer by mysticlady1221 at 6:28 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

  • Depends on the stepmom - my kids' stepmom is an idiot and I don't even like her talking to them let alone thinking she can "mother" them. She is about worthless like her husband as all can be. Good luck to you

    Answer by autbot at 8:35 PM on Feb. 9, 2011

  • whoever told you that you shouldn't punish them is being so stupid! i suppose they would not expect a babysitter or teacher to dicipline him either? if you're the adult watching him, then you're in charge. if he acts up then you have the right to dicipline him. i really don't understand where they're coming from and it really makes me mad! i have a step daughter, but she lives with mommy. if she comes to visit us and she's acting up i will certainly dicipline her just like if my kids have a play date and their friends are acting up then i dicipline them (and the other moms do the same for my kids). wow.....i definately know why you are upset about this. it makes no sense and i would just tell them to mind their own business i guess. ((hugs))

    Answer by princessbeth79 at 8:40 PM on Feb. 9, 2011

  • I see your situation but I am sick of these SM on here who's DH has the children a few days a month that think that that makes them a mom and have equal say in the children's lives as the mother.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:04 PM on Feb. 9, 2011

  • I have strict views about step parents. First, it depends on the situation and age of kids. Second, in general, step mom is not THE mom. But as the adult she is in charge of safety and will have to uphold rules to keep everyone safe. Fourth, dad should be the front man on stating punishments to preserve the step parent relationship with the child. You can be a friend, a confidant, a guide, and ensure safety...but dad should be talking to them about the consequences. Sure you have input. You are a partner to your spouse. Behind the scenes discuss your ideas about what you think should go down. Then say, "sorry kids, dad's rules and dad's choice for punishment.". Uphold it. If it involves safety there is common sense and you are always in charge of safety. Kids need to know that up front. Last, when you marry a man you also make a commitment to be fair, honest, and respectful of his children. To complain they want

    Answer by frogdawg at 10:23 AM on Feb. 10, 2011

  • I also like the ones who complain about their children's stepmoms, yet think they have the right to dictate what their stepchildren do. Ummm...werent you just complaining that your child's stepmom when they did the same thing?

    Answer by layh41407 at 9:20 PM on Feb. 9, 2011

  • I have to commend not only you, but also your son's mother because it takes a REAL woman to tell her child to call another woman mommy. Thank God my kids don't have step parents cuz I could not and would not do it.

    Answer by Proverbs_31 at 11:30 PM on Feb. 9, 2011

  • In my case, I married the man. Yes, I am the stepmother; however, he made it clear that HE would make all decisions about HIS children.

    Answer by CnMe31 at 12:34 AM on Feb. 10, 2011

  • We both agree that our dd step parents will get a lot more say than most other people in her life, but they are not the original parent and that if there are any problems my ex and I are going to be the ones to work it out and make the choices for our child.

    This agreement would not work for a lot of people, but it works for us we both have been upfront with the people we have relationships with if they get serious and tell them how we have it worked out. They knew going in your not going to get called mommy or daddy and if there is a difference in opinions on parenting that they need to take it up with the one they are with and not the other parent. No stepdad fighting with dad or stepmom and mom fighting it out. They can voice their opinion and if it needs dealing with My ex and I talk it out. Everysituation though needs to be worked out in a way that it works for everyone.


    Answer by Alanaplus3 at 8:45 AM on Feb. 10, 2011

  • It really depends on the level of involvement that the bio mother has. My SD's bio-mother is never around, they call me mom, and I treat them just as I would treat them if they were my bio-children. They are punished when they need to be, they are loved and nurtured, and in turn they give me the respect that they would give her.
    That being said, noone can expect you to watch and care for children if you cannot correct them...regardless of if it is your step-children or someone that you are simply babysitting. That's ridiculous.
    Whatever you, your dh, and the bio parent have worked out, if you are comfortable with it, is the only thing that matters. What others have to say about the situation means nothing.

    Answer by KennsWifey at 10:13 AM on Feb. 10, 2011