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Totally Blown Away Part II adult content

I posted a question recently about my husband's decision that he doesn't want to have sex anymore.  http://www.cafemom.com/answers/717232/Totally_Blown_Away

He's since gone to the doctor and been tested for low testosterone and other things, everything came back just fine.  He agreed to start seeing a therapist and he's been going several times a week.  Both of us will attend therapy sessions when the therapist says it's appropriate. 

Last night my husband said he needed to talk to me.  He was sitting at the computer looking at a sex toy website.  He said "I wanted to suprise you for Valentine's Day, but I think it might be smarter if you were involved in choosing which one you want to use instead of us having sex."   I told him I needed to think about it, I wasn't negative or defensive with him, that's the last thing both of us need.

I'm really not sure how I feel about this.  Part of me is happy that he's at least thinking about me and what I need.  Part of me is disappointed that he's chosen this route instead of working towards reconnecting with me sexually. 

I did ask him a few questions: "Did you want to watch me use it?" and "Did you want to use it on me?"  Both answers were "No."

I haven't pressed him to tell me what's been going on in his therapy sessions, but it seems as though he's just trying to arrange things so he doesn't have to have sex and I won't be upset about it. 

I'm just so confused.  Should I just go ahead and choose a sex toy and let him continue to work things out in his therapy sessions and not press him to talk about things with me?  Should I ask more questions and try to figure out what's wrong?  What would you do in my place?

 

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:45 AM on Feb. 10, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • Have you asked him if he's gay?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:49 AM on Feb. 10, 2011

  • He says he's not gay, he says that having sex feels like work, and when I was on pelvic rest during my last pregnancy, it was a relief to "not have to think about it".
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:54 AM on Feb. 10, 2011

  • Get a toy and enjoy girlfriend!!! And let him work it out.
    Lisa_Lynn

    Answer by Lisa_Lynn at 9:56 AM on Feb. 10, 2011

  • Maybe ask him (calmly and not in an attacking way) if his intentions were to help sastify your needs until he can work through things in therapy and hopefully get back in the mood- because he may be realizing that it will be awhile before he can work through things and he is wanting to help you or take care of you until he can get there.

    ...Or if he meant this in a way that he still doesn't ever see himself working through this.
    meandrphoto

    Answer by meandrphoto at 9:57 AM on Feb. 10, 2011

  • My husband told me he wasn't gay either...three years after I asked him the first time, he came clean with me and told me he was. I don't want to upset you, but really pay attention. I don't know any men that don't want to have sex and say it's "too much work"...just sayin! Follow your intuition!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:59 AM on Feb. 10, 2011

  • Honestly you are handling this better than most would. You deserve a hug and a pat on the back for being so strong. If you are ok with toys I would say go ahead and get one. You are not going to be able to get him back in the bed any sooner by not taking care of it yourself.

    Alanaplus3

    Answer by Alanaplus3 at 9:59 AM on Feb. 10, 2011

  • I think he's doing what he thinks he can to help satisfy you, so just go with it for a little longer while he continues therapy. If therapy is going on and on and no one is letting you in on what's going on, then I would press him. ((((HUGS)))) Thanks for the update. Sometimes you just hope that things are going better for someone, and you just don't know.
    amybaby_19

    Answer by amybaby_19 at 10:08 AM on Feb. 10, 2011

  • hmmm, I guess this is a tough one. I think I would ask him if he intends on entertaining the notion of sex again or not. A toy is just not a substitute for physically touching and being with another person and if he has no intentions of ever giving you that again you have the right to know and to decide if you can live with that or not. His decision ultimately impacts you physically and emotionally.
    2boysnaprincess

    Answer by 2boysnaprincess at 10:28 AM on Feb. 10, 2011

  • How would you want your husband to handle things if it was you who had no desire for sex? I would think about that and then move on from there.

    After my 16 year old was born I had no desire for sex. My pregnancy was very difficult and I had a difficult labor. My libido was gone and I never thought it would come back. My husband took it personally and was hurt by it. Like me he sought out counseling and his therapist made him realize it wasn't about him and if he wanted things to get better he had to be patient and understanding. His therapist asked him how he would want me to act if it was him who had no desire for sex. He thought about it and said he would want me to still love him and give him space to sort things out. So he did just that. Not easy at all and I know it is hard on you but if he is in therapy and working on it give him some time and enjoy the sex toy. I bought my husband porn and lotion.
    FricknFrack

    Answer by FricknFrack at 10:55 AM on Feb. 10, 2011

  • I like my sex toy and would have it whether my man participated in sex with me or not. You could always try it and see if you like it.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:24 AM on Feb. 10, 2011

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