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2 Bumps

How am I supposed to feel about it now?

My alcoholic bio-mom abandoned me when I was 7, after the years of abuse I went to live with my later to be adopted parents. My Bio never took responsiblity for her behavior, and continued to act like a child even when she got sober at 50yo. She died unexpectedly on Tuesday. My 'mom' who raised me, died 3 years ago. I don't know how to process any of it without her. Somehow I need to figure out if I am mad, sad, or what. I know I have a lot of junk that is coming up now, but I really just want it to go away. So I guess my real question is, what do you do when someone you 'hate' and have 'hated' for most of your life dies. How do I get over it?


Asked by questionsss at 12:14 PM on Feb. 10, 2011 in Relationships

Level 2 (4 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (7)
  • At first you don't get over it. There are steps to grief, and I know anger and denial are part of the process. I don't remember all the steps or how many there are. Your BioMom treated you poorly (to say the least) during your most vulnerable years, that leaves a mark for life. The woman that raised you and loved you is not here now to help you with this process. You have every right to be pissed, and if anyone tells you differently, don't listen. My suggestion is two-fold: 1) seek a professional to help you work through all the crap from your childhood. To just ignore it and sweep it under a rug will not help you in any way, and may affect your health; and 2) go to the funeral so you at least have the closure that you probably don't realize you need just yet.

    Answer by Rosehawk at 12:20 PM on Feb. 10, 2011

  • just accept the fact that it was beyond your control and remind your self that you were blessed that you had an adopted mom in your life instead of being raised by an alcoholic.

    Answer by gwen20 at 12:18 PM on Feb. 10, 2011

  • You are allowed to feel however you feel, there is no right or wrong on this situation. I imagine anger would be the most common reaction though. Good luck!

    Answer by ConcernedMom141 at 12:19 PM on Feb. 10, 2011

  • My dad went through very much a similar thing with his bio parents. And when his bio mom died he was quiet for a few weeks. Then finally said "You, know? She wasn't my real mom anyway. My MOM was my mom. SHE was just another person in this world- I don't know her so it really doesn't effect me or you guys".

    He managed to completely detach himself from her. I don't know if that helps any. But that's how he dealt with it.

    Answer by meandrphoto at 12:19 PM on Feb. 10, 2011

  • your mother loved you either way. she just didn't know how to show you or be a mother. if it were me i would get some therapy. sounds like you need some insight and to talk with someone. you have been hurt and probably feel abandoned all over again.

    Answer by melody77 at 12:24 PM on Feb. 10, 2011

  • ~*Hugs*~... my grandfather was to me what your adopted mom was, and I still to this day have moments where I have to wonder what he'd say, miss his opinions/views on things, and wonder why he is gone... miss his hugs too!

    The best you can do is remember the positives, and even the ones that come from the bad? Such as if she'd been an amazing bio-mom than you'd have never been as close to the one given to compensate for what the first wasn't capable of giving? Keep your head up and think positive!

    Answer by MommaClark3 at 12:57 PM on Feb. 10, 2011

  • It will go away with time, she was basically dead to you before she died anyway, I just went through a similar situation. I was mad for a long time, but now I realize it really doesn't affect any part of my life right now.

    Answer by Rachel24517 at 1:44 PM on Feb. 10, 2011