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2 Bumps

Complicated situation...

I made a huge mistake back in August and gave custody of my son to my grandmother, I am a single mom and had him when I was 17, no support from my parents, so getting up on my own feet was very difficult. Long story short, I got hospitalized, I lost my job, I was losing my house and was worried about where he would stay and she said he could stay with her until I found another house if I would give her custody then she promised she would give it back. My custody was not taken, DSS was never involved, I was never proven an unfit parent, at the time I was worried about my son and did what I thought was the best. Also my grandmother went ahead and got a lawyer and I was worried that since I wouldn't have anywhere for him to live that I might get my custody taken. When I signed over my custody I had a bad feeling and have cried every day since. This turned out to be the biggest mistake ever! My grandmother has turned out to be very controlling over my son and acts as if she does not want me to have a relationship with him and constantly does things to hurt my feelings. After I signed the custody over I got to move in with my boyfriends parents (at the time they didn't know about the custody situation), then my car caught on fire, and then I found out I was pregnant again even though I was on birth control. So a whole bunch of really bad things all happened at once. I couldn't find a job due to being pregnant and my boyfriend found a few temporary ones but just recently found a steady one. We weren't planning on staying here long and his parents said my son was more than welcome to live with us, it's a safe place where he would get to be with me and even have his own room and everything, but my grandmother said no. I have talked to a lawyer and she said I should have no problem getting him back but it would cost 1500 to hire her, I would get half back, but I just don't have that kind of money right now. We have been trying really hard to get our lives together so both kids can have a good life. We both started college. I have to live everyday feeling gulity about the mistake I made, I am constantly feeling depressed because I want to be a good mother and raise my son and I ate that I am missing time with him and I'm worried about how long it will take for me to get him back. My grandmother says things sometimes like she doesn't know if she is going to let my son stay the night with me anymore because when he comes home he wants his mommy, and this upsets me because I want him here and he wants to be here, she is just only thinking of her own feelings and wants him there because she would miss him if he lived with me. I get really upset constantly because she holds him over my head and she tries to control everything I do whether it involves my son or not and if I disagree she finds excuses why I can't see him. She buys him a new toy almost every day and spoils him so when I do have him he doesn't listen well and gets an attitude sometimes. I hate that I made such a huge mistake.
So here's what I'm really worrying about. I recently filed my income taxes and got enough to get a car, which would help us out a lot since we don't have one and have to use my boyfriends dads truck to go places and it costs a lot of money to put gas in it to the point where most of his paychecks pay for gas so we really can't save money. I also go enough to get us into a house. This would be great since our baby will be here soon. The problem is my grandmother wants me to give her half of my money so she can use it to pay back her lawyer loan. Why would I pay for something I didn't even want?!? I don't want her to have my son right now and I'm definatly not going to pay off her debts. We literally never have money, and she spends money on stupid things like buying a flat screen tv to put in my sons bedroom and getting him toys everyday. The only reson we are making it right now is because my bf's parents have been more than helpful and contributed to helping us because they know how hard we are trying and want to see us have a good life. I want to keep my money so we can get a house and car and start a life, But I know as soon as I tell my grandmother I'm not giving her the money she will get mad and say I can't see my son. I know eventually I will be able to save the money to get a lawyer to get him back, but it breaks my heart to think of the time I won't get to see him until then. I feel that in the long run keeping all the money would contribute to giving both my children good lives, but then I feel like a bad mom if I pick money over getting to see my son for a while. My nerves have been torn up lately and I just don't know what to do. I'm tired of my grandmother always being so controlling, and I feel that if she really cared about my son she would let me keep the money to put towards a house for him so he could be with me. I want to tell her no so I can keep my self dignity and do what I feel is right for the future.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:29 PM on Feb. 12, 2011 in General Parenting

This question is closed.
Answers (17)
  • :( Yeah... that is a little complicated. So does she have legal custody? If she doesn't, then I would get my son back. I think a good move is for you to get a car, it will help you be a little bit more independent and save on gas costs. Then save some of that money and start making payments to the lawyer. Keep up with school and do the best you can. Love your children and keep your head above water. Thankfully, your boyfriend's parents are there to help. Don't kick yourself for mistakes... but don't trust her again. Praying for the whole situation.
    Mamaoftwingles

    Answer by Mamaoftwingles at 4:49 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

  • Use the money to get an attorney along with the car. Don't worry about a house right now. You have a place to stay. It may not be an ideal situation but you are wanted where you are at, as is your son. Do NOT give your grandmother any money. Get that attorney and get your child back. Be very thankful to your BF's parents for being so amazing.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 4:37 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

  • Get it in writing that your Grandmother will turn custody/sign over custody for your son if you pay her half the money. The money is worth your son if she's going to act down and dirty like that. I would make the exchange at the time of the signing of the custody to you no sooner than that.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:34 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

  • I know that she wouldn't do that. She wants him and the money. And just from things she has done to me before I know that if I don't give the money she is very likely to keep me from him and even physically threaten me. When I signed over custody to her she had never been this way and i really trusted her but for some reason she has turned on me and been extremely controlling.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:39 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

  • tyfry- I have thought of that but I'm worried about what if I used the money for that and then I didn't get him back because I don't have my own house. The lawyer said It shouldn't matter since I have a safe place for him to stay, but I'm still worried about it and I want to prove to the court that I can take care of him so I will win, If I didn't win I don't know what I would do, I love my son more than anything in the world.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:43 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

  • I would first make sure you have a stable home..then get custody. Your grandmother may be being a bitch..but she is only doing right by your child. You should be thankful. I know its hard but maybe you should just have a heart to heart with your grandmother. Let her know that you appreciate her..tell her that you don't intend on taking your child out of her home. Just be there for him. Tell her maybe when you finish school he can stay at your house. it is really hard on kids moving from place to place. What would happen to your son if all of a sudden your bf's parents got tired of you living there..and said you had to get a place to live..that would be moving him again. I just think your grandma is trying to look for your sons best interest
    shay1130

    Answer by shay1130 at 4:44 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

  • I have tried talking to my grandmother and I promise you that she is not a considerate person about this situation. She is only thinking of her own feelings. My boyfriends parents would never make us leave with a child knowing we don't have anywhere to live.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:48 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

  • Thank you Mamaoftwingles :)

    I think an underlying problem to the situation is that my grandmother never raised my mother, she sent her away to live with her grandparents and didn't get her back until my mom was 15 and pregnant with me. I think my grandmother is trying to make up for her past by taking my son and thinking she is doing something good. I worry constantly about being a good mother. To me failing as a mother is one of the worst failures and the mistakes I have already made weigh heavily on me. She askes me why I worry about being a good mother and tells me I shouldnt worry as long as I know my son is fine. To me that is not enough, I want to be there for eveything in his life, tucking him in at night, teaching him things. I can not get back every day that I miss with him and it bothers me that when I try to explain this to her she doesnt understand
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:55 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

  • wow, this sounds exactly like my sisters situation. my mother wasnt really there for us..and now she is trying to make up for it by caring for my sisters kids..she completely takes charge of everything in my sisters life
    shay1130

    Answer by shay1130 at 5:01 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

  • May i ask where your mom/dad are in all this?Maybe they can talk to grandma too. But i agree with previous written: get a car and start payment with a lawyer.If she says she can get him back no doubt then it's worth it. i dont see why a grandma can be so mean without any previous incidents..or is she just a mean person. Well, you gotta give her credit to ake him in when you needed it because wou was thinking about doing the best for your son. How far along are you in college? Maybe it is even better to finish college and get a job before you take him in. Meanwhile try to have good relationship with your grandma so you dont have to worry about seeing him or not. SInce you focusing on college you wont have to worry about the whole situation. But you can also let her know about that plan of finishing college and then taking him back. She shouldnt have a problem with that...
    Davina85

    Answer by Davina85 at 5:01 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

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