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4 Bumps

I need opinions to help me find some closure, thanks!!

What is your opinion on this situation?:

Your uncle molests you throughout your entire childhood, nothing is ever done about it. He eventually marries and now has 3 adult children of his own. You haven't seen this uncle since you moved out at 18, you have never met his family. Your siblings know about the molestation yet continue to hang out with your uncle and his family on a regular basis, they adore his 3 adult children and talk about them in front of you every time you see them. They tell you to never let your uncle's family know about what happened and tell you that you should be-friend the kids and wife. They try to get you to hang out with that family all of the time and even try to get you to let the kids come to your home for a visit.

This is what I'm dealing with right now. My brothers feel that the kids and wife did nothing wrong so I should keep this secret and give them a chance. They want me to be-friend that family and I refuse. They are trigger objects, they give me panic attacks every time someone talks about them. I want my family to not speak about those people in front of me ever again and I NEVER want to meet them or have get togethers. In your honest opinion, who is right? Am I the bad guy for not giving these innocent people a chance or are my brothers wrong for  trying to push them on me?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:48 PM on Feb. 12, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (18)
  • The feelings you have are completely legit. You should not have to be around people that make you uncomfortable. You owe those people nothing.

    dancinintherain

    Answer by dancinintherain at 4:51 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

  • I would think your family would be more supportive. I dont think this is a good secret to keep. I dont blame you not wanting to meet them. even though they are innocent. maybe seeing a therapist will help you resolve some of these issues.hugsim sorry

    proudmom611

    Answer by proudmom611 at 4:52 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

  • Although I have never been in your situation, this must be extremely painful for you.
    On one hand, you need to bring to light this secret, or there will never be closure. AND he may be doing this to someone else!!!!!

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:52 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

  • You are NOT wrong! I wouldn't hang out with or be anywhere near someone who enabled a monster.
    You never know, his family could have been molested by him as well, and hurt others b/c that's all they know. It's not worth it to give them the benefit of the doubt with yours or your families lives. You are not wrong!, you are being a good parent! Continue doing so! Stay away from that monster!!!
    liteofmine71

    Answer by liteofmine71 at 4:53 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

  • Before my brothers started hanging out with that family I felt like I was truly past this. It's not something I can ever forget, but I felt like a "normal" person for once and that was major progress! Now that they continue to push my uncle's children on me it's like I'm starting all over again and I'm probably going to need counseling. This whole situation infuriates my dh, I just want everything to go away :(

    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:55 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

  • Definitely, YOU are right. You're not the bad guy, your brothers are for what they are asking of you. That uncle is a pervert that ruined your childhood and if you do not want to associate with any member of his family, then don't. If your siblings are pressuring you to associate with them, then you may have to spill the beans to his family about their perverted father and husband. Who's to say he is not still molesting someone???
    Iluvautumn

    Answer by Iluvautumn at 4:57 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

  • I wouldn't be around the new family. I wouldn't talk about why - but just keep your distance. I understand completely, they are innocent, but so were you. Tell your siblings NO, and let them know you can't and won't put yourself in a position where you have to be around him. If they don't like it, don't hang out with them either.
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 4:59 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

  • I just can't stand hearing my family say, "They're innocent, they don't know about it, they deserve a chance..." Ugggg!!! What about ME and how I feel, know what I mean? My dh and I are going to sit my brothers down and tell them flat out that they are to never speak of my uncle or his wife/children in front of me again or we're cutting contact.

    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 5:02 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

  • You have every right to behave this way. You were mistreated by someone and you do not want someone around you that brings up terrible memories. I would be indignant if my brothers were pushing this on me. I would probably distance myself to all of them. You have a right to respect yourself and your immediate family is your direct responsiblity now. I would never have this person around myself my spouse or my children. You need to move on and this would be bringing you right back to the past. You need to have a direct discussion and be very firm with your brothers about your boundaries regarding this Uncle and his family. You tell them not to bring it up again or you will have to limit your interaction with them as well. They need to respect you in this matter.
    oregonmom22

    Answer by oregonmom22 at 5:04 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

  • Not to pry but i'm curious how old was this uncle when this happend? he had to be young if was before marriage and children..were you both kids?
    shay1130

    Answer by shay1130 at 5:08 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

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