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3 Bumps

How to deal with my 27 yo son?.........(kinda long)

I have a son who is 27 years old. He and i did not speak for 2 years due to some conflicts he and i were having and he pretty much told me to stay out of his life, and that i was no longer his mother/family....Now, he has come back into my life, again and it seems nothing has changed. What i mean by that is that, i feel he has come back because he has no where to live, has no car, and has no job or money. I have bent over backwards to help this boy, in the past, and it has cost me a lot in my life. Now, I am allowing him to live with me, for the time being. Mainly because he is my son and i love him and want a relationship with him...

However, he takes things for granted when me and my husband buy food and groceries for the house. It's me, my husband and my 11 year old son. And instead of feeding for 4 people now, it's like i am feeding for 6. My 27 year old son eats for like, 3 people and not 1. I am on unemployment and my husband makes a good living..But, we are finding ourselves broke all the time. And the fun little McDonalds outtings we have once every couple weeks, we can't even do now. It's like our fun is limited due to our finances....I don't want to kick him out. But, i can't seem to get it through his head that he needs to find a job. I have told him to get a job and even given him a deadline to find one and have even taken him to get applications. Yet, here we are, 2 months later and he's still mooching off of us......

What can i do?.....Any thoughts?......

Sorry so long...

Thanks Ladies!!!

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:56 PM on Feb. 12, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

This question is closed.
Answers (21)
  • Deadlines don't work unless you enforce them. I would tell him the time is up, give two weeks notice and then pack him up at the end of two weeks. He is doing all this because he can.
    lilangilyn

    Answer by lilangilyn at 3:16 PM on Mar. 28, 2011

  • put him out. he can find a job ,any job. i doesn't matter if it at a restaurant as a busser or dishwasher. he knows in the back of his mind that you will provide so he lacks the motivation. the only way you should let this slide (a little bit) is if he spends 8 hours monday - sat job hunting. he should be out looking for a job from 9am-5pm.
    gwen20

    Answer by gwen20 at 10:02 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

  • Tough love Mom. I know EXACTLY where you are. My son is 28. He 'disappeared" from our lives for 5 years because we refused to bail him out of one too many jams. He came crawling begging last spring. He is living with us temporarily. The rules were set out from the begining. He walks a very tight line around here. He is going to trade school. he has 3 months after graduation to be in his own place. If he has failing grades he is no longer welcome here. I refuse to be a doormat for him anymore. If you are not financially able to support him. Tell him exactly that and give him a 30 day written notice. Either he is moved out or he has a jkob and is paying $200 a month rent. That should cover the bulk of the food he eats. It is the hardest thing you'll ever do...if you don't you just enable him to run all over you.
    GrnEyedGrandma

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 10:05 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

  • I agree with gwen, Mon thru Fri. his job is putting in apps. He should be willing to take ANY job, gas station, fast food, anything to bring home income and build up his self respect at the same time. I have 2 sons, 24 & 20. They have both had jobs since they were 16. Oldest is now in the Air Force. It's hard handing out tough love but he's an adult now, sorry mom but it sounds like you're going to have to have a tough talk with him. Or, put him on cafemom and we'll tell him, lol GL
    Kathy675

    Answer by Kathy675 at 10:29 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

  • Your son is a grown man and since he's not contributing anything to the running of the house he should be forced to live on his own 2 feet. It doesn't matter if he's working as a bus boy or whatever he needs to support himself. It sounds like he's taking advantage because you're his family, no offense.
    Xanthlover67

    Answer by Xanthlover67 at 10:32 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

  • Honey, you got to let him go. This is a grown man, not a child. If he always has you to mooch off of, he will. Why should he help himself? I know way too many people like this. I don't know all the details, but you need to come up with a plan to get him living independently. I like GrnEyedGrandma's suggestion. You can still help with advice and emotional support, but you have an actual child living in your house and a husband who deserve to have a peaceful life with you. Sound hard though.. good luck!
    Sebbiemama

    Answer by Sebbiemama at 10:34 PM on Feb. 12, 2011

  • Your enabling it! he is your son yes, but he is grown and you have made it too easy to stay at home! If he has no real reason to leave why would he. Hes got a nice cushy life with mommy! I really think you should give him a time limit and stick to it! Tell him he has 45 days to either get out or start paying some serious rent! but getting out should be the end goal! My BIL is headed down this road, I get so tired of his mom just doing and doing for him then complaining to me about not having money! Quit letting him do it! tough love at this point is the best solution! You dont need your marriage to suffer over this! Good luck!!!
    sweetstkissez22

    Answer by sweetstkissez22 at 12:24 AM on Feb. 13, 2011

  • You are enabling this behavior! Stop it!! And the only way to do that is to stand up and tell your son that his selfish behavior has to stop. That he must contribute financially or he must move out. A part time job or full time job or out.
    twinsplus2more

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 10:22 AM on Feb. 13, 2011

  • Your first "mistake" is that you still think of him as a boy....he's 27 and is in fact a grown MAN. I think that he is using your guilt against you and is taking advantage of the fact that you will do anything to keep things calm with him. At almost 30 he REALLY NEEDS to find a job or go back to school and get his life on track. He needs to start taking care of himself and be respoinsible for his own bills and groceries. You NEED to cut the apron strings.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:21 PM on Feb. 13, 2011

  • I am speaking as a 30 year old barely older than your son right?

    TELL HIM TO GET OUT! or else make him pay his share of the bills. If he was appreciative and giving to you in other ways I might think differently, but if he's adding strain and stress and not even appreciative... well, you aren't responsible for him. When my dad was 27 he had been married for 8 years, had a 7 year old daughter (me), and owned his own home... When I was 27 I had been living on my own for 11 years. At 27 he can surely take care of himself unless he has some kind of disability.
    angelm523

    Answer by angelm523 at 3:42 PM on Feb. 13, 2011

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