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Which one of us is being "unreasonable" - taking money from one thing and putting it towards something else

My fiance and I have been together four years, we both work full time though he makes slightly more money than I do, I have two children from a previous marriage and we have one child together. We bought a house together two years ago. His father is a financial genius so luckily we've been able to afford our home, live relatively comfortably and induldge in a month long vacation to Ireland every summer since we've been together (the first year he paid for the whole trip, but for the last three years we've both put money towards it) - the trip to Ireland isn't just a vacation, the main reason we go is to visit his family. He moved to the U.S. when he was 14, when he was 20 his parents and one of his brothers moved back. Last year my aunt and her boyfriend split, they had bought my grandmother's house after she died but now my aunt may lose the house because she has only her income to live on instead of hers and her boyfriend's. This house has been in the family for 5 generations, its the one place the entire family can call home (and I have a large family) so I'd like to shorten our Ireland trip and put money towards helping my aunt save the house with an agreement that if she moves, or when she dies the house is left to me and/or my children. At first my fiance argued that he'd get less time with his family but his parents, brother, SIL, and their kids all agreed to come here instead of us going out there. I'm not cutting out the trip completey because we both have friends there and the kids enjoy traveling but he doesn't understand my attachment to a house - as a kid he never lived in one place for more than a couple years so he never developed an attachment to a home like that. He told me if I wanted to do that than to use my own money and he'd go to Ireland for the month by himself or with just him and the kids. He then said "maybe we should keep some things separate and get a prenup", which pissed me off - he seriously only makes a few more thousand a year more than me. We're suppose to be getting married in June, we've postponed the wedding twice already (once because his father became ill and another because of his work). He then got mad at me all over again because he talked about this with his mom and his mom agreed with me! I talked to her and she thinks I should wait it out, that eventually he'll realize how important the house is to not just me but the whole family and that if he starts talking about a prenup again to tell him to shut up because he's made plenty of financial mistakes in his past. He said if we needed the money for something "important" such as one of us or the kids getting sick or a new house of our own or if one of our cars broke down and we needed a new one than he wouldn't have a problem with using the Ireland money towards that but he thinks I'm wasting money by trying to keep my aunt's house in the family.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:56 PM on Feb. 14, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • I think he's being unreasonable.
    KWnavywife

    Answer by KWnavywife at 2:58 PM on Feb. 14, 2011

  • There is no reason in the world why you shouldn't try to save your family home; if your fiance loves you, he understands how important family is to you. Cutting the trip back isn't unreasonable at all. I don't understand how making an investment (which really paying toward the house is) constitutes getting a prenup? Arguably, you should because you will retain the house in case of a break up. It sounds like he's being childish - he wants what he wants and it doesn't matter what your feelings are.
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 3:00 PM on Feb. 14, 2011

  • Men sometimes have trouble understanding why something matters so much to us. And they say hurtful things in the heat of the moment. We all do. I'm guessing either he doesn't fully understand why this is important to you (because it hasn't been blatantly spelled out), or there is something you don't understand on his side. This might sound hokey, but one thing that has helped DH and I when dealing with emotional and important topics is to write letters to each other. We both know we are emotional and get all heated up... so the letters are a way to communicate in a relatively calm and objective way. And personally, I find that writing it out makes me really think hard about all the different sides... I know it helps him too... and it let's us have our "say" and give us a chance to step back and really think about what is going on. I wish you luck with this!
    Sebbiemama

    Answer by Sebbiemama at 3:14 PM on Feb. 14, 2011

  • Well he is being unreasonable. I would call his bluff and tell him to go ahead and take the trip by himself and that you and the kids will stay home for that month so you can spend time with your family here and make sure the house is saved for the kids and their future. I would explain to him even though you have a home, this is a family home, and it is an investment into your future and that of the kids. You can always have the children live in that house when they get older and have their own family and its as much an investment as a college fund. I would also tell him to go ahead and draw up a prenup because you make almost the same amount of money and have no intention of taking his when and if you split up, however will be sure to ask for child support which is completely legal.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 3:17 PM on Feb. 14, 2011

  • I agree. Show him that you won't bend and tell him fine, you go to Irelend I am using my money for the house. Property is not a bad investment right now, so beyond heart its not like you are throwing money away.
    hotelmom123

    Answer by hotelmom123 at 3:59 PM on Feb. 14, 2011

  • Does he realizes the sacrafice you've made by going to Ireland to visit his family for a whole month every year? Does he realize that its 50/50 when it comes to relatives...meaning if you can make that type of sacrafice to be with his family, why can't he make the sacrafice to help out your Aunt? Sounds like he's very selfish in some areas.
    mom2mybabes

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 5:21 PM on Feb. 14, 2011

  • well if your mil and his family willing to come here then have her plan to do that leaving him no reason to go there. so then he has no excuse as to why he shouldn't help you out. if he still doesn't i would rethink marrying him and i would tell him so. if he knows that you may leave him over this and how important to you it is then he doesn't think much of you or his kid and your family.
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 8:29 PM on Feb. 14, 2011

  • also aybe a prenup isn't such a bad idea if he agrees to the house thing. i would talk with an attorney on how they help you or hurt you and weigh your options.
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 8:30 PM on Feb. 14, 2011

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