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Wedding invites misunderstandings

Hey, I want to get some advise on this. I am getting married in 4 weeks, it will be a kind of small wedding of about 60 people, most of whom are family. I am not inviting children except for those related to me, to keep costs down (most of the people who have children who are not related to me, I hardly know the children) Well I got the RSVP back from my mom's good friend, the invitation clearly said Mr. and Mrs. Peter Pan (not the real names, you never know who might be on here, for all I know she might read this). Anyway, to me, this would be a clear indication that only the parents are invited, however the RSVPed for them and their 4 children. Between the extra food and the extra table, these 4 kids will bring my wedding costs up by almost $200 and I have budgeted every penny of this wedding. Is there a tactful way to tell her that I didn't invite her children?

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JLS2388

Asked by JLS2388 at 11:50 PM on Feb. 14, 2011 in Relationships

Level 25 (25,280 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • Since it's a good friend of your mom's, have your mom call her and explain the situation. ...alternatively, If your mom really wants them there, maybe she'll help you out financially.
    Olivia4116

    Answer by Olivia4116 at 11:52 PM on Feb. 14, 2011

  • I guess I would ask your mom to talk with her, since they are good friends. I also think that if you don't want children, you need to say so. IME, most wedding invitations would say, in my case, Mr. and Mrs. Trevor Smith. I wouldn't think that would mean my children aren't invited. What would you put....Smith family? IME, weddings where kids are not invited say Adults Only. or Please, no children. or something to that effect.
    emilex

    Answer by emilex at 11:53 PM on Feb. 14, 2011

  • emilex, all the wedding books say putting adults only is rude, especially, since there will be children there, just only children related to me. I did my wedding invites by the book. They say that if it is just Mr. and Mrs. that is what it means, just the Mr. and Mrs. if the children are invited, it would say "and family" or "the Smith Family"
    JLS2388

    Comment by JLS2388 (original poster) at 11:56 PM on Feb. 14, 2011

  • To answer your question, be polite but be honest. We are on a budget. ONly children who are included are related. We hope you understand and certainly want you to be there. Don't make up some elaborate story. I had very important event that children are really not appropriate to be included, certain relatives chose not to come (their words were "we are not going anywhere where our children are not welcome"....others came and showed support). The point is it's your big day, people just need to get over themselves / their children.
    Olivia4116

    Answer by Olivia4116 at 11:57 PM on Feb. 14, 2011

  • Agree with Olivia.

    Just adding: If this were strictly and adults-only wedding,I'd certainly talk to them directly and explain that there's been a misunderstanding. Although it goes both ways here: People with so many kids usually check in to see if they can bring all of them; BUT people with so many kids often assume you know of their family composition and would not have invited them without expecting the kids to come. Have your mom run interference to smooth things over. If they take offense, or if your mom is hurt, have your mom help out financially, or just suck it up.
    reveala

    Answer by reveala at 12:05 AM on Feb. 15, 2011

  • Regarding the wording-- if the children live in the home, the correct address would be to "The Smith Family." If it was intended only for the parents, then "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" was appropriate. If the children are no longer living at home but are invited, then "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" along with separate invitations for each child at their own address is appropriate.

    I think it was rather presumptious of your mother's friend to invite her children along. If she was as good a friend to your mom as you say, then she knew this was a smaller affair, and that you guys were on a tight budget. Weddings are not entertainment venues for children, particularly when children would rather not be at such a formal occassion where their exuberance is restrained.

    How to fix? The next time your mom and her friend are visiting, stop by and exclaim how you're just going to Love your grown up party!

    Busimommi

    Answer by Busimommi at 12:58 AM on Feb. 15, 2011

  • Just have your mom call her on the phone and tell her that the envelope was addressed for Mr and Mrs. I had to do that at my wedding. But I got my fil to call up since it was a distant cousin. Of course , the distant cousin did not make it and honestly did not get offended. It happens, but people should be case sensitive to this delimma at weddings and realize that weddings are so expensive, we are not talking about a christening or sweet 16!
    mamacita69930

    Answer by mamacita69930 at 8:27 AM on Feb. 15, 2011

  • Generally rule of thumb is if the invitation does not include the children they are not invited. It was presumptous for them to assume their children were included. It sounds as if mom could maybe give a call and just explain and hope they understand.
    2boysnaprincess

    Answer by 2boysnaprincess at 10:08 AM on Feb. 15, 2011

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