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3 Bumps

11 yr old dauughter out of control

Hi, I was wondering if anyone has gone thru what I am going thru right now? If so I wld love any advice I could get. My 11 yr daughter is having major behavorial issues, will not listen to me, constantly tlks back, and aggravates her 4 yr old ssister any chance she gets. It seems like she loves to make her cry. I have tried evrything from counseling, to grounding to taking things away that r important to her, but nothing seems to work. Recently I had her go live with her dad cause I cannot take it anymore. Now I feel horrible, very depresed, not sure I am doin the right thing. Any advice wld be very helpful, Thankyou sooo much for your time.

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Asked by catseyez at 7:09 AM on Feb. 15, 2011 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 3 (23 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • i have a 12 year old, i feel ya!!!!,, she needs love but she needs to know she cannot behave like that!, nip it in the bud, sit her down and tell her, i would make her sit in her room too, and take all away and think about it,, she is old enough to know better! she should know.

    Answer by gardenchic at 7:14 AM on Feb. 15, 2011

  • How is it going at dad's? Sounds like she has resentment towards the baby. This is very normal, especially if you had a baby with a new DH. This sometimes makes the other kids feel more separated from the family.

    What does she like to do? What are some of her hobbies?

    Have you spent much 1 on 1 time with her since the 4 YO was born?

    She needs to know that she is still special & some kids need that special attention more than other kids. Maybe once every weekend, set aside some time to do something super special with just you & her. Take her to a concert, or take her paintball fighting, even if you don't enjoy the activity...just do it to make her feel good.

    She is developing hormones too, so she is just going to feel things more strongly than usual.

    Answer by samurai_chica at 7:16 AM on Feb. 15, 2011

  • Not sure how long she's been with her dad but, hows that working out? If it's working for her being with dad then good! Don't beat yourself up about it, maybe it's what she needs but meanwhile you need to stay very involved in her life! Maybe this will be better for everyone involved.

    Answer by anichols1 at 7:16 AM on Feb. 15, 2011

  • Take her out, give her special one on one day and shower her with love. Just make sure she's not acting out because she wants your love and attention.

    Answer by leah_rai at 7:18 AM on Feb. 15, 2011

  • i think all preteen /teen girls do this. i agree with the one on one time and maybe you should talk to her about she needs to help you care for the younger one. let her know that she is the oldest and she is very mature and needs to be setting a good example. reward her for doing so

    Answer by shay1130 at 7:43 AM on Feb. 15, 2011

  • Perhaps a spaning. I am not a big fan of it but in this case it might just work.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:52 AM on Feb. 15, 2011

  • I found my Eldest Daughter usually gets all the attention she wants. Ever since she was a baby she was the focus of attention by her Paternal Grandmother & her Father, but my Son and Youngest Daughter, were always giving each other atttention. She always speaks up how she wants to go everywhere with Daddy or she speaks up about what she wants & alot of people are willing to spoil her & give in to her. My Son was a quiet happy baby, loved to go off by himself & play & hes very creative. Well when he was out in public, he didn't listen easily, & he ran around like a lost chicken, which made us worry about him, we let him eat his fill and we took him out to the car & I sat with him, while everybody else was inside the diner enjoying themselves, he realised he was missing out and thats when he started to listen, because he learnt listening makes you feel included around people & included in going places


    Answer by pumpkinpie778 at 7:52 AM on Feb. 15, 2011

  • Girls imo are sometimes tougher then boys when they get to 11-13 yrs old. They have alot of changes going on in their bodies and I try and remember how bad I am when I had pms and I am experienced at handling it. My oldest started with some attitude around 12, but we learned how to quash it pretty quickly. She would always ask to go live at her dads, and I told her she could but could only take what he bought her. After awhile she figured out maybe going to dads wasnt all peaches and cream and stayed with us. You need to be consistent and understanding is all at that age. Most importantly also is to understand it is a phase just like any other phase and she will outgrow it. Pick your battles, that is also important.

    Answer by gemgem at 7:55 AM on Feb. 15, 2011

  • OP is there a kind of group activity, or special treat, that can involve both girls to bring them together, to allow them to become closer, maybe an activity that will encourage your older Daughter to make something for your Younger Daughter, Maybe while having your Oldest Daughter pick out a gift for your Youngest Daughter. Also have your Youngest Daughter pick out something to give to your Oldest Daughter.

    Answer by pumpkinpie778 at 7:58 AM on Feb. 15, 2011

  • I was very behavioral at 11- 13 years old. For me, I was getting made fun of a lot at school (middle school is brutal for most kids) and I had little to no family support at home. I was acting out because I desperately needed attention, support, and guidence. I wish you the best of luck, that's not a fun age for either of you.

    Answer by Namaste17 at 8:16 AM on Feb. 15, 2011

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