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Im really at a loss of ideas, how can i deal with my husband?

my husband and i have been together for a year and a half, were engaged for 4 months, got married 3 weeks ago. we started dating while he was stationed in iraq, we had known each other from high school. ever since we started dating he has been in love with my son (from previous relationship) he used to talk to him on skype all the time, he was very attentive and sweet. because he is in the military we were unable to live together until we were married. we got married and then moved into a house close to his base. ever since we moved in together weve been fighting everyday. his demenour(sp?) has changed completely, to both my son and i. ive recently noticed that he just seems annoyed with us. my son is almost 3 so obviously his toys are all over the place and hes sometimes un controllable but honestly all around mostly he is so well behaved. now were talking about having a baby together but im not sure i want to have a baby with someone that gets annoyed by my own son.

my son doesnt take too well to my husband 1 because my husband is a sarcastic person who likes to mess around, he really means well but sarcasm and teasing is not gonna make a two year old like you lol. im having a hard time with letting him discipline my son also. i feel like sometimes its better if i just do it myself. keep in mind, ive been a single mother since my son was born, his father doesnt care about him at all. i alwyas thought marrying my husband was going to give us an amazing life but really im scared hes going to hate both of us and that he stopped loving us as much as he did before.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:39 PM on Feb. 15, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • I think the lack of knowing each other and living together before hand is giving you a great bite of reality.. living together is very hard.. it takes time to adjust to each others quirks and he also isn't Used to living with a child now.. I would definetely wait to have a child but I think its very important to communicate all the time to make this work.. good luck
    maxsmom11807

    Answer by maxsmom11807 at 4:42 PM on Feb. 15, 2011

  • Sounds like knowing each other from school wasn't enough to really know how each other are.

    As much as I hate to say it, you need counsiling and fast! I would NOT have a baby and would take EVERY precaution to prevent having one until you can get along better. I would say at least another YEAR before you think about having one.
    Jademom07

    Answer by Jademom07 at 4:43 PM on Feb. 15, 2011

  • Give it some more time. He was in Iraq and then when he came home he gets a family. It is hard for men that left families to come home to their children, i am sure it is hard for your husband also. Just be patient. Ask him if he is interested in counseling, you can get free counseling from militaryonesource. They have been very helpful for us in the past.
    matthewscandi

    Answer by matthewscandi at 4:44 PM on Feb. 15, 2011

  • First of all he (your DH) is adjusting to civilian life and that is hard!
    You and your son are adjusting to him being in your "real" lives too.
    And for your son that is really hard...I would leave the disciplining up to just YOU (for now) since you have
    been your son's primary care giver and you are what he is used to.
    If your DH is willing to get some counseling...family counseling would be a great thing to do.
    And the military does offer counseling for Soldiers adjusting back to Civilian life.
    Tell DH to go easy on the teasing...and maybe suggest a project they could do together...boys bond with projects.
    Good Luck Mama!
    Missikat75

    Answer by Missikat75 at 4:48 PM on Feb. 15, 2011

  • You have a lot going on here. If you want to make it work and you truly believe your husband can be a loving husband and father you have to get on the same page about discipline and you have to let him ease his way into to the father role. I understand feeling like it's easier to just deal with it yourself, but your son and your husband will have to build a relationship, which will require you stepping back sometimes and letting them figure it out. It takes time to mesh individuals into a family. I would definitely recommend holding off on having another baby until you get these issues worked out, even if it takes a few years. As for your husband seeming less loving than before, he may just be feeling a little overwhelmed. It's one thing to become a family and parent over time, but it's a whole different game when it happens suddenly.  GL!

    TweenAndTwinMom

    Answer by TweenAndTwinMom at 4:50 PM on Feb. 15, 2011

  • You need to have a calm but serious talk with him. He was probably expecting an amazing life with you, too, but if he was in Iraq most of the time, suddenly having a full family is alot different than he probably thought. I'm sure he still loves your son, but being a sudden parent can not be easy. Especially if he's not allowed to be a father to him. While I understand being a single mom since your son was born, if you expect your husband to be a father, you need to let him. Disciplining comes with parenting. If your style is different than his, talk about it. Just have a long talk with him about it all. Listen to his side and try to understand his feelings(reasonable or not) and then tell yours. You need to be able to work together.
    MommyLee08

    Answer by MommyLee08 at 5:07 PM on Feb. 15, 2011

  • Could it be that you are just expecting too much too soon? Three weeks is not a very long time to adjust to marriage, much less to having a family. I think there are some things you can do that will help the situation. You can keep the toys picked up, and at 2 1/2 your child is old enough to help you with that chore. You can even put some of his things away and only allow him to play with one or two toys at a time. If your husband is more sarcastic than you like, you can tell the child that he really didn't mean it the way he sounded. You could even rephrase what he said, and then say, "Isn't that more what you meant?" You don't need to be alarmed. Try to remember that your husband is not used to dealing with a small child. He is accustomed to dealing with fellow soldiers who are tough as nails. So I think you just need to look for the positive and give this some time. Don't have another child yet, either!!
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 5:09 PM on Feb. 15, 2011

  • It sounds like you and your husband need some counciling. These issues that you two have are serious and they need serious attention. Don't go and pregnant till you do have some counciling.
    stitchintime

    Answer by stitchintime at 5:11 PM on Feb. 15, 2011

  • I think everyone here is giving you great advise and support and a lot to consider. You are both making a lot of adjustments at this time and it's naturally going to be hard. Any help you can get with making these adjustments easier and finding compromises that you can both live with will make things easier for both of you- get couples counseling if you can and if he won't go then get counseling for yourself. It doesn't mean your marriage is already a failure but you don't wait to go to the doctor when you are on your death bed, you go when the first symptoms of trouble arise so you can get better more quickly. And sometimes you have to force yourself to act loving, to be loving, to put your partner first. It isn't always easy but if you make the effort sometimes it can make a real difference. You don't ignore major things, but you don't make a big deal out of minor things. Best of luck to you.
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 5:15 PM on Feb. 15, 2011

  • if you are a military family, can you get counseling?
    ItsMe89

    Answer by ItsMe89 at 6:41 PM on Feb. 15, 2011

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