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Is it normal for older brothers to hate younger brothers so much?

I was the youngest of me and my sister. I know what it is like to be constantly hounded, abused, picked on, teased, beat up, etc... as a younger sister. We were born 13 months apart.
I also understnad it must have been hard for my sister to have to share the attentions of my parents while growing up, despite most of the attention was being yelled at or whipped with a belt.

So, when my son was 3 and I got pregnant, I knew we had some battles ahead. When the baby first arrived (my son was 4 then), I made sure he was given attention by myself, DH , friends and family. I wanted to avoid, as much as possible, him getting jealous. The first year was great. He adored his littel brother, they played, I was so happy. I am not sure when things went bad, but they are SO ugly now! My oldest tells me he hates his brother, he wants him to die or just go live wiht someone else.... all because his littel brother wants to play with his toys! My oldest is insanely obsessed and possesive of his trains. I found it fair to keep those off limits from baby brother, as long as they could share the rest of the toys. I have been battling this for a year now and I am at my wits end. Daily he is yelling at hsi brother accusing him of 'sneaking and stealing' his trains when hsi brother is no where near them! If it isntt that, he is being super bossy or stealing toys from little brother, and has even hit him a couple times.

It reminds me of exactly how my sister was to me. Im so heart broken. I dont want to constntly harp on my oldest to be nice to his brother, but his littel brother is too young adn littel to defend himself, kwim? I have had conversations, asked questions, done everything I can think of to make things fair between them, adn nohing is working. I am ready to take us to family counceling.. I think there are some real issues with my oldest. He has big anger/ misrust/ paranioa issues. I am really trying to figure out why. We havent been perfect parents, but i cannot imagine we have raised him in an environemnt to cause him to feel this way. I had a horrible upbringing and I want the exact opposite for my kids. Lately though I have been losing my temper because I justt cant handle him being rude and not listening. I am not sure if its jealousy of his brother or what, and I feel really sad for him.. We just had a nother baby boy and he is soo in love with him. I dont get it.
He is such a smart and helfpful kid . I also worry because now he is hating school and all he ever wants to do is play. I mean.. REALLY hate school, to the point of crying. The teacher says he is great in class and everyone really likes him.. Im so confused. The thing is, I knwo he is such a caring and sweet kid...

What do I do?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 11:10 AM on Feb. 16, 2011 in General Parenting

Answers (5)
  • This sibling rivalry has been going on since the beginning of time, it will get better as they grow, big brother does not really hate the little one, it is totally normal, just keep on harping on family love and everything will fall into place.

    Answer by older at 11:14 AM on Feb. 16, 2011

  • My youngest nephew is the same way with my son, since my son is younger them. My nephew invited to his birthday party, but told me that my son couldn't come, because he doesn't like him. I know he is jealous of him.

    Answer by mommy_jules at 11:18 AM on Feb. 16, 2011

  • Sorry. No advice. I always got along great with my younger brother. He's 2 years younger than me and we fought but he was always one of my best friends growing up.
    I have 5 kids. 3 are girls. They are 10, 8 and almost 5. They fight a lot but at the end of the day they are best friends and do everything together. The 10 and 8 year olds have many of the same friends and spend the night together at other people's houses. My older son is 9 (15 months younger and 13 months older than the girls). He's also very close to the girls and just stopped sharing a room with them. They all hang out together (they are in 5th, 3rd and 2nd grades). I also have a 7mo son and the older kids adore him and help take care of him. There is sibling rivalry and they don't always get along but they don't hate each other and it doesn't last long before they are playing again and best friends.

    Answer by justanotherjen at 11:22 AM on Feb. 16, 2011

  • I think there's a lot more to this than just sibling rivalry. Especially because of the way he's reacting to school. None of this is something you would expect.

    Talk to your pediatrician about consulting with a behavioral specialist. More than likely this is intrinsic to HIM and has nothing to do with how you're raising him.

    Answer by gdiamante at 11:25 AM on Feb. 16, 2011

  • my boys are 5 years apart in age and they fight and argue all the time but at the end of the day they tell each other that they love them and hug, I think all siblings feel that they hate the others at one point or another for one reason or another it is normal.

    Answer by Christmaslver68 at 11:28 AM on Feb. 16, 2011

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