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2 Bumps

Has anyone had trouple adjusting from being a single mom to having "a family"

Okay so here's the thing. i'm engaged to a south african. we've been engaged for about 10 months now, dating for about a year and a half. To answer the question buzzing in your head, yes I have spent time with him, no we didn't meet online. I'm thinking that military wives or girlfriends will probablly relate better than anyone else. So the time we spent in the U.S. was great. When he left our relationship survived, I visited from feb to march (a total of 5 weeks), things were wonderful. Shortly after we decided to get engaged. My daughter and I visited again 5 months later and stayed 3 months. But before I went the second time, he became kind of clingy. I told him he was getting on my nerves and to shut up. So I was kind of wondering if I wanted to end the relationship. However, after I warned him to back off, things went back to normal and so did my feelings. When we visited again things were good between us. Different from the first time though. I suspect it might be because my daughter was with us this time and maybe it didn't feel like a "honeymoon stage" or something close. We had some arguments, mostly about is inability to help me clean without asking, or his constant desire to be around friends, and ALOT of things of his mother. Personally, I can't stand the troll. But anywho, when I got back in the U.S. I missed him like I should but now, I don't really want to txt or call or really have any contact. But i have this desire towards all men (and women too, it's not because i'm a lezbian in denial) and generally people too. I don't think it's so much as him I'm questioning or married life. when i think of my life in the future, i don't see a husband. i see a successful, young doctor (myself) with a close relationship with my daughter(maybe daughters, I've been thinking about adoption). I have the ability to emotionally block myself from any negative feelings and I'm wondering if maybe that's what I'm doing, emotionally blocking myself so that I can't feel the pain of him not being here. Has anyone experienced this while their husband/fiancee/boyfriend was away for a long period of time? Did it change whenever they came back? I have been putting my life on hold waiting for the wedding. I had to take a break from school to work full time as our lawyer bills to get him and the U.S. and wedding expenses are high. It bothers me that I don't feel like my life is advancing. I feel like I'm living in that movie "Ground Hog Day" and I'm repeating the same day over and over again. Working so much is prohibiting me from spending the amount of time I want with my daughter and I'm not happy about it. Also, I work nights so even when I don't work, I sleep all day because it's my sleep schedule. I feel like I don't want to share her with anyone else, Is that wrong. I want every single bit of my free time to go to her and no one else. Is that normal? Or do I feel that way because I don't get to spend alot of time with her. Someone who actually knows what I'm talking about (shrink, single mom, military wife, ect.) help me! I feel like I'm going insane and need some serious venting and advice. Thanks :)

Answer Question
 
TiffanieK

Asked by TiffanieK at 8:12 AM on Feb. 17, 2011 in Relationships

Level 17 (3,325 Credits)
Answers (5)
  • You don't want to be with him anymore. You don't want to be alone either. Not fair to either of you.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:27 AM on Feb. 17, 2011

  • I have been a single mom to my 2 wonderful children for 6 years... they are only 7 and 9 so it has been just us for most of their lives. I have recently remarried and he has 2 children as well. I feel like I am mourning the life that my kids and I had. It has been very difficult for me to share our lives with these 3 other people. Do some real soul searching... but I think it is completely normal that you would be hesitant to give up the life you have made for you and your daughter. Good luck.
    ConcernedMom141

    Answer by ConcernedMom141 at 8:31 AM on Feb. 17, 2011

  • I have a degree in psych, came from a military family and was a single mom lol, hope that all counts?
    Ok first on the psych angle I think you are answering your own question. You are not happy with the way you feel atleast in some arears of your life. You need to ask yourself if this is because of the relationship, or because you want to find a reason for it not to work? Are you sincerely ready to settle down? Is this the life you want? Only you can answer those questions really.
    As for long distance well I did the same and it didnt work at first but now my husband and I are together and yes things did change for us once we were always together. As a single mom I loved my freedom and not having to deal with another human being beyonf me and my kids, if that makes sense. We broke up a couple times, and I finally realized he was what I wanted and its been good ever since.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 8:31 AM on Feb. 17, 2011

  • concernedmom141: Do you feel like you were happier when it was just you and your children? My daughter is 3 and her father has never really been around, so it's just us. I understand how you would miss that close relationship with your kids. But do you constantly feel like you were happier alone with your kids or is it just a happy memory that you look back on sometimes as "the good ol days" like high school?

    gemgem: I think you are more than qualified to answer my question. I find it comforting that you used to feel the same way about your husband but things went back to normal. I almost think that is how I will feel too. I feel like I am looking for different reasons not to work but it's because I'm scared my old feelings won't return. How did you feel about your relationship with your kids after your husband came back?
    TiffanieK

    Comment by TiffanieK (original poster) at 9:00 AM on Feb. 17, 2011

  • i think you just need to think about what you want and go for it.. i mean i have a daughter and i was a single mom for 2yrs and now me and my BF are really close and i feel like i dont spend enough time with my daughter, but she doesnt seem to want to spend time with me everything is with her BraeBrae my (SO) so i think it all depends on how and what you want. good luck
    kyiahsmommy

    Answer by kyiahsmommy at 2:02 AM on Feb. 18, 2011

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