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2 Bumps

Now what?! Update - he made an appt for next Tuesay

So my DH was supposed to get himself in therapy 3 weeks ago to save our marriage. He still hasn't. He's acting like everything is great. Wanting to snuggle, kiss me, sex, hang out etc. But I do not want this type of marriage unless he gets help for his lying. I can't trust him right now and he still hasn't gotten the therapy. I feel like checking out mentally & emotionally. I will stick around physically because it's best for me and the kids right now as I am in school and the kids love their school.
Do I continue to harass him to get therapy? He's asking why I'm being a bitch and I remind him he hasn't followed through on his promise. He just blows me off and says he'll do it "tomorrow".

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:46 AM on Feb. 17, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • You know what you need to do. Not harrass him, because it isn't your fault he can't be trusted. The two of you need to sit down and discuss the actions necessary to save your relationship. Let him know you haven't developed amnesia and he needs to set up the first appt. Good luck.
    chgomom

    Answer by chgomom at 10:49 AM on Feb. 17, 2011

  • yep, therapy is very important!
    gardenchic

    Answer by gardenchic at 10:50 AM on Feb. 17, 2011

  • is this the one gal who posted and said that her husband was suppose to make an appointment but he never did and avoided it and all the posters gave her advice to make the appointment for him?

    Even if not...i would still make the appointment for him and if he doesnt go then he's has proven that he wont do it to save your marriage and also proven to be a fool.
    americansugar80

    Answer by americansugar80 at 10:52 AM on Feb. 17, 2011

  • If you want to save the marriage he is going to have to get help. I don't know your story obviously so I don't know if this is right for you - but, I have seen that when trying to get a spouse into counseling it can often help to admit some culpability and go with them. Instead of saying "You do xyz, and YOU need therapy." You can say "I can't understand, can we go see someone to help me understand?"

    Trying to approach the issues/problems as a team and being clearly "on his side" will take the edge off of his guilt and defensiveness. That might help.

    You are right to expect good treatment and truthfulness. You don't need to let it go, or to deny your feelings... but it might help if you try to take out any criticisms and make it about what you need...

    Good luck!
    angelm523

    Answer by angelm523 at 10:58 AM on Feb. 17, 2011

  • Even if you make the appointment for him, it won't make him go. Even if you take him to the appointment, it won't MAKE it work. He has to want to do this. He has to want to repair the marriage. Making him go through the motions is just that - going through the motions. Sounds like you need some time apart. Stipulations need to be put in place that when - and only when - he goes to thereapy and PROVES he is TRULY working at repairing the relationship - the family can work on being ONE again. Yes, your relationship sounds like it needs work. But, YOU can't do it for the BOTH of you. HE has to be in it, as well. Otherwise, it WON'T be repaired at all.
    specialwingz

    Answer by specialwingz at 11:03 AM on Feb. 17, 2011

  • Time apart isn't functionally possible. My nearest relatives live an hour away. Meaning I'd have to drive an hour every morning to take the kids to school, go to school, etc.

    I'd love to just live apart for awhile but it wouldn't benefit me in the daily routine.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:12 AM on Feb. 17, 2011

  • Well, then I guess it's a battle of what's beneficial to your "daily routine" or what's beneficial to your relationship. It's clear where your priorities lie. When it comes to truly working on a relationship, if you are truly into it, you do what you have to do that is beneficial for the relationship. Even if it means having to adapt to a new "daily routine" for awhile.
    specialwingz

    Answer by specialwingz at 11:26 AM on Feb. 17, 2011

  • I have tried joint counseling, he refused to go after 3 sessions, saying he didn't like the therapist. I have left for weekends at a time and nothing changes. I have threatened divorce and nothing changes. Pardon me is I don't want to uproot the kids right now just to see if it'll make my selfish husband go to therapy.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:28 AM on Feb. 17, 2011

  • Seriously though, you need to stick to it and not forget it. He needs to make things right and get therapy going otherwise if you sweep this under the rug it then becomes your fault too. Checking out emotionally and mentally won't matter to anyone but you and why should you settle for less. You gotta get things going or give him the boot, tell him straight out and be prepared to follow it throught. You totally deserve it!!!! If he wanted to make things right he would be doing it already. Please respect yourself and put your foot down. Remember this totally affects the what your children think of you! Do it for them!
    chgomom

    Answer by chgomom at 11:30 AM on Feb. 17, 2011

  • The bottom line is...you can't MAKE him do anything to repair the relationship. Either he does it..or he doesn't. You can only control what you do. So, the choice becomes yours. You can choose to do something about it...or choose to live with the dysfuntionalism, which only teaches the kids how to continue the dysfunction into their future lives and relationships. And, BTW...nobody said it was YOU who had to leave the house. If he doesn't want to work on the relationship...he can find other living arrangements. You don't have to uproot your kids or your daily routine. He can go elsewhere.
    specialwingz

    Answer by specialwingz at 11:35 AM on Feb. 17, 2011

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