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2 Bumps

Adoption

Has anyone given a child up after you already had children? My friend has 2 children and she is pregnant, broke and in a bad situation. I am wondering how it is to give up a baby when you have already been raising your own children. Also did you have to deal with explaining it to your children..why you are preg and giving a child to another family? This is a very tough situation. Would be nice to get some input from someone who has been in a similar situation.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:08 PM on Feb. 17, 2011 in Adoption

Answers (29)
  • I do not know personally, but I would think it would be extremely difficult.
    tootoobusy

    Answer by tootoobusy at 3:10 PM on Feb. 17, 2011

  • I do know a family where that happened. The children grieved until adulthood, when they were finally able to locate their baby brother who was given away. It is very hard.
    If she is sure she wants to give up for adoption, she must arrange it now while she is pregnant, and prepare the other children that she is having a baby for a family that can't have babies, but wants one. SHe should sign up with an agency, meet the parents, etc.
    The worst thing she could do it to take the baby home with her and the other children. They will get attached and feel like she just "threw away" their baby.
    She needs to stress with her other kids that she is having the baby for a mommy that can't grow one. She needs to be very careful that she never says it is because of money or situation because they will always be afraid that she will do the same to them

    Good luck.
    ImaginationMama

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 3:19 PM on Feb. 17, 2011

  • I agree imaginationmommy. She just found out she is pregnant and has not told the kids she is preg. She has no idea what to do and really has no way to support the baby. She is not with the father of the baby. She has her tubes tied and didnt think preg. was a possibility. She can't take care of the kids she has and is living with a jerk boyfriend so they have a roof over their heads. She and boyfriend have been having problems and she was going out on the weekends...the baby is not her boyfriends. I really dont know what to tell her and I would like to discuss adoption with her but I know it would be hard to talk about with the kids. Her dd is 10 and she has a teenage son. I know she made major mistakes..but she is really depressed and has no idea what to do!
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 3:30 PM on Feb. 17, 2011

  • I think this is a GREAT question FOR the expectant Mommy, not for anyone who has had no idea what is involved with relinquishing a baby...sorry not intending to be rude, but is a fact! As a friend, I might suggest you tell your "friend' that there is a BirthMothers Group' here on CafeMom, and she can go there and ask ANY/ALL questions she would like :) She is welcome to just come and "watch', 'read" , and listen if she would like. As for a quick answer to your question, Relinquishing...not giving a baby up, effects many many people, and that includes siblings, so she most definately needs to tell them, but she need not do so until she actually has made this decision, and it must be done very wisely. My son was 6 yrs. old, and believe me it effected him then, and now at 32 yrs old, still has impacted his life....after all, it was HIS twin brothers, not just MY sons! I hope you will get your friend to come visit us, CJ~
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 4:05 PM on Feb. 17, 2011

  • I am glad to know about this group. Honestly she I'm not trying to persuade her to do anything. I feel really bad for her..she keeps coming to me very down and freaking out and saying "this cant be happening".."i cant be preg"..."I dont know what to do"...I am really just trying to offer her information. I was telling her that is seems awful now but when her 10yr old was born it felt that way too and she is a beautiful gift from God. She agreed but said this is punishment..this is not a gift. I was thinking about that and it hit me..maybe this isnt her gift, maybe this is a meant to be another couples gift. I will not try to persuade her in anyway i am just trying to help her see some options. I will let her know about the group! Thank you!
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:10 PM on Feb. 17, 2011

  • Forgot, please know, that no matter what, money is NOT a good enough reason to relinquish your baby, it just is not! Fianances change, in most times months , and relinquishing a part of you, your very own baby, is forever, with no going back. Once you "Ring a Bell', you cannot 'unring" it. Blessings, CJ
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 4:18 PM on Feb. 17, 2011

  • i adopted my first daughter. in fact, i was there the day her real mom put her up for adoption. She seemed to holding everything in. I knew i had to adopt her little girl. or else i would break down myself. okay, off topic, but still I think anyone who gave up their child would regret it for years.
    mannyperry

    Answer by mannyperry at 10:05 PM on Feb. 17, 2011

  • "Maybe this isnt her gift, maybe this is a meant to be another couples gift. '

    I don't believe that children are "meant" to gifts to be be given to other families to raise. Nor, do I believe that finances should determine whether a child should be placed for adoption. Unfortunately, everything I know about adoption, I only learned years after I relinquished my first son.

    When I relinquished my son decades ago, siblings were often told that the baby relinquished had died. I do not recommend that.
    And yet, telling a child the truth must be a very difficult thing too. But, I do not recommend pre-birth matching and getting other children involved before a baby is born either, That might make a mother feel she could not change her mind. Plus, there are many other inherent problems with pre-birth matching.

    The best way you can help your friend is to encourage her to parent and help her find resources available to do so
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 11:28 PM on Feb. 17, 2011

  • Gifts can be returned (the Russian adoptee put on a plane alone with a note back to Russia)

    ....exchanged (replacement child for a family who's bio-child died)

    re-gifted (failed adoptions when the child is returned to be placed and adopted again)

    or, put on a shelf in the closet and forgotten (Renee Bowman, convicted of putting 2 of her adopted daughters in a freezer )

    yup, we are gifts. Pretty paper and bows and ribbons
    adopteeme

    Answer by adopteeme at 3:31 AM on Feb. 18, 2011

  • Thanks for the advice. I thought adoptin was a better option than abortion but I guess I was wrong...
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:31 AM on Feb. 18, 2011

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