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How can i get more help from my husband without making him defensive?

we recently got custody of my hubbys 4 kids. he is unemployed right now. i work full time, plus cookand clean up and help with homework and baths anddo laundry! he does nothing to help but when i suggestg he do something he gets defensive with me and it ends in an arguement. bt i am soooo burned out i just wann cry and sleep for days!

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ash.k.ray

Asked by ash.k.ray at 8:15 AM on Feb. 18, 2011 in Relationships

Level 4 (56 Credits)
Answers (4)
  • IMO.. I don't think you should be worrying about making him defensive.. LET HIM get that way. He took on the responsibility of these 4 children, and I think that is great by the way because alot of men would NOT do it, but children are hard work and he should know that. He needs to get off his butt and find a job or step it up at home, maybe even both! NO way should you be doing it all.
    Ctink8189

    Answer by Ctink8189 at 8:21 AM on Feb. 18, 2011

  • I know you don't have a lot of time to read right now, but if you could get and read a copy of FOR BETTER OR FOR BEST by Gary Smalley, I think there are some things in that book that would really help you. In a nutshell, part of the problem is that your husband probably does not know how to do much of what you are asking him to do. If he does know how, he may not be confident enough of his ability to do it to risk not doing it up to your standards and being criticized for that. Also, the way you approach and ask him for help is very, very important. If any part of that is the least bit negative, it immediately turns him off completely. Husbands have to be approached based on the way they were raised, and if anything you say to him sounds in the slightest like his mother talking, you are most likely done before you ever start. Husbands thrive on praise and appreciation and respond much more quickly to that than to criticism.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:24 AM on Feb. 18, 2011

  • You can't control how other people react, you can only control how YOU act. What your husband is doing is called "learned helplessness". Basically, he believes that if he's difficult with you whenever you ask him for assistance, you'll stop asking. My advice to you would be to sit down with him to create an equitable division of labor for the two of you and any children old enough to do a chore here and there, and a daily schedule. Let him know that you view the family as a team, that you're all working together for the common good. Do be sure to give praise to him and the children for jobs well done and verbally recognize it when the entire family has worked together.
    Fistandantalus

    Answer by Fistandantalus at 9:07 AM on Feb. 18, 2011

  • Well I personally wouldn't put up with that, I'd go off on him and damn his defensiveness!
    HKing01

    Answer by HKing01 at 10:30 AM on Feb. 18, 2011

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